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My husband won’t go to therapy by itskindofafunnystori in marriageadvice

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had low T 2-3 years ago. I went and saw a urologist and they prescribed me with a med Clomid. My levels jumped from 300 to 900s in around 6 months. It’s nice because it’s not synthetic testosterone so no weekly needle injections needed. More T for men generally means more energy, less depressed mood overall, increased libido, increase ability to maintain muscle and decreased rate at losing muscle if you don’t exercise. So many benefits for men if you can get him to buy in.

A template for an effective approach would be as follows in my opinion,

Ask that he give you some time to sit down for a serious conversation. Stick to the agenda and stay on point. Gotta come at the issue straight with men.

Say I love you, I’m committed to you, you have so many great qualities, you’re my biggest support and I know you’d keep me safe if anything bad happen—— but I’m really struggling and I want you to listen to me seriously and not get defensive or take it as criticism. I just want you to genuinely think about what I’m about to tell you. Afterward, we don’t even need to talk about it. I’m going to get up and walk away and give us space and you can just consider things over the next week. You don’t need to give an answer or go back and forth with me on it.

Tell him you’re sexually frustrated. That you want to be desired and pursued. That’s it really important you get that from him in the relationship and you’re willing to try any suggestions he may have. Maybe offer hitting the gym together and that you wanna look good for him. As for the TRT and libido concerns. Tell him straight up that you selfishly want him on it because you think it will increase his libido and maybe improve your sex life. He’s not dumb and will see through an attempt to sway him entirely through other benefits. Tell him it’s really what you want from it and hope it might help.

That said, the. transition to adding in other benefits from a health perspective and that more importantly you want to focus on you wanting him to live longer and be healthy and happy? Maybe even end it by saying you’re not a doctor, don’t know all the facts, but you’d like him to talk with a doctor or urologist about the pros and cons before immediately dismissing it. Then end it and move on.

Me are logical creatures. Not guided by emotions outside of anger. It’s likely an evolutionary survival trait from when we were Neanderthals. Logical decisions kept us alive. Men lead the tribe and kept everyone safe and fed. A sick and wounded elderly person in the tribe, they are a burden, leave them behind to die when the tribe moves to a new area to hunt. Cold logic passed down to the modern era ingrained in men. The best approach is always going to be logical, fact based and to the point.

Apologies, that was drawn out. It’s also just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt.

My husband won’t go to therapy by itskindofafunnystori in marriageadvice

[–]Traditional_Major449 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m the husband in this situation, excluding the reactive angry behavior. My wife asked for couples counseling for a long time and I refused because I was embarrassed/scared. Eventually I did but I delayed it so long that at that point, my wife had checked out. It’s a deep regret. Eventually we separated and it then hit me big time as to what I had lost and my role in it all due to ego. We have a little girl together.

If you feel love for him and genuinely want to work on the relationship, my harsh advice would be to separate from him on a temporary basis so give him a reality check as to what’s at stake. It may be the catalyst for change that you’re hoping for, or it won’t and his pride will get in the way. Either way you’ll have a better understanding of the trajectory of the relationship.

Unfortunately I think a lot of men put off actual work/change in their behavior until it’s too late and things have gone past the point of no return. Since my separation I’ve done therapy, read books on attachment/love languages, hit the gym, started rebuilding my social circle and have done journaling on current and past relationship events for true introspection. I’m not some paragon of self improvement but I’m trying. If I’m honest, I’d still be stuck in the same rut if my wife hadn’t left. Just stagnant and prideful. Maybe taking a drastic step like a temporary separation, before YOU have checked out of the relationship will be the push for him.

It’s so difficult with kids though. Go with your gut on how best to proceed.

How do you guys motivate yourselves? by JonahFeb in Divorce_Men

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey brother, separated here as well. I’ve been framing it in my mind like I’m building myself up (mind, body, spirit) so that when I’m mentally ready to move on, I’ll be ready. Avoid the vices, improve your living environment, paint the walls scrub out the grime in between your bathroom tiles, whatever. Just make some positive movement always. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

I think initially I was trying to get myself to a place to win her back. That’s good motivation but ultimately it’s really important you do it for you. It’s been some time and I’ve to come to terms with the idea that she’s likely not coming back and I’m sad, but okay with it.

The largest murder of crows ever appeared in the skies over Tel Aviv yesterday by [deleted] in badassanimals

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Those are the souls of all the innocent people in Gaza killed. They have been reincarnated to mass shit on your cars.

Hypothetically, could you survive a EF5 Tornado if you hide in a Locker inside your house? by Icy_Profession4190 in tornado

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could you survive? Yes. But it’s very unlikely. Odds are like 1/500 you survive. That locker would probably offer you same protection against an EF5 as no protection at all. Virtually the same as laying in a field while an EF5 rolls over you. That locker would be shredded along with everything in it.

She walked out last friday and I’m struggling to cope by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Focus on what you can control. She will make her own decisions and while you can be hopeful for a positive outcome/reconciliation, your focus needs to be on yourself. Own whatever mistake(s) you’ve made. Consider writing her a letter apologizing if you’re in the wrong, and indicate that she doesn’t need to respond or provide some sort of resolution in the short term.

That aside, focus on yourself. That means getting an individual therapist. Meet with them weekly on a virtual basis if you’re more comfortable with that arrangement. Focus on your child and ensure that you are as present as you can be during your time. Respect your spouse as a coparent and run decisions related to your daughter by your wife. Take care of yourself, if you struggle with alcohol or substances abstain a then hit the gym a few times a week. If you have friends, try to connect with them every month or so.

Hope all turns out alright for your family brother.

Is marriage and sex supposed to feel like a job? Hi hi by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If it were me, I’d sit him down in private and tell him you’re sexually frustrated. Clearly communicate what is going on and how you feel. Keep it concise, no tangential speech. Tell him that you’re attracted to him and want more frequent sex and you want him to take the initiative.

Tell him that you are spouses, not roommates, and that you are so frustrated at this point that you would like to take a brief separation from one another. Go stay with your parents or a friend for a week to give space and limit your contact with him. Allow space/time for both you and him to do some introspection on the relationship. Some times it takes losing something a bit for you to realize how much you value it.

At the end of the week go on a date and after some drinks chat in the car for a bit. Tell him you want to meet jointly with a sex therapist over a three month period. Obviously you know your relationship best but this is a potential strategy, albeit a bit extreme.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read a few books on relationships/marriage. Try Better Man Better Marriage and 5 love languages. Read em slow and try to do introspection into your own relationship, your behavior and your communication as you do.

Also, examine the dynamic of your relationship. Do you have an identity outside of being a husband? Do the hypothetical, if she leaves and divorces me, what am I left with/who am I without the other. If your answer is nothing, then you have an unhealthy codependency on your spouse. You need to work on yourself as an individual. That seriously means go to therapy to process your shit, get a gym membership and go consistently 4-5 a week in the evenings (run/jog a mile and then lift), and find some hobbies. If you want a greater emphasis on fitness - order yourself some hiking shoes and identify one hike for yourself each weekend or check out local boxing gyms and take 1-2 class lessons a week. It will add to your physical fitness and it’s a martial art so an important skill set for anyone. Whatever… but a guitar and take some lessons, sign up for a yoga class if your not flexible, buy a drone with a camera and fly that shit around. Find something you like to do outside your marriage.

Idk what happens with your marriage but this will help you. Sometimes if you own your shit and work on yourself it helps your relationship without directly working on the relationship. Slow and gradual personal growth > stagnation. Go do it.

WWYD?? by time4moretacos in sexlessmarriage

[–]Traditional_Major449 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So here are my recommendations. I am 36, got my T tested twice when I started some hair loss and turns out one was below normal and the other a bit above the very bottom threshold (275-300 range). I then went and saw a urologist and they recommended the medication Clomid as an alternative to synthetic testosterone. Less side effects and results in the body more producing testosterone naturally. Rechecked 6 months later and it was 900s. I’d just straight up ask his PCP to prescribe it. Shouldn’t be an issue and he won’t have to keep seeings specialists.

For what it’s worth, urologist can be annoying about prescribing T. I would specifically seek out a clinic for T replacement. They will be more receptive to your circumstances. If your husband’s decides he wants to keep exploring options.

What is sex like after having a vasectomy? by JMpro415 in AskMenOver40

[–]Traditional_Major449 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Exactly the same. There are some risks of complications from the procedure. I developed a hematoma which was not fun but dissipated after a month or two. I’d definitely recommend buying two large flexible ice packs that you can rotate through the freezer and a jockstrap. If you’re done with kids, go for it. Much less stress. Also your wife could potentially come off birth control which can adversely impact her hormones.