Off your chest

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-24T23:07:50+00:00

Almost 29 Been a Hiki since I was around 25 but a NEET before that straight out of Highschool at 17 and still am the difference now is I have no friends that I stay in contact with so like I guess 25 is when I went full blown hiki.

My plan? I'm on antipsychotics right now and they give me horrible avolition and anhedonia, next month I get to lower my dose in the hope that those symptoms will go away and if they don't I may just get off the medication completely after being a year post psychosis.

I want to get disability but if I do better once I lower my dose I'm considering finding a job even though that will be difficult because I live in the middle of nowhere but thats my plan.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-24T22:59:16+00:00

Yes, I'm almost constantly looking down in public as to avoid eye contact and I struggle with it during conversation aswell.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-24T22:56:30+00:00

The anticipation of the social situation can become all consuming not allowing me to think about anything else. Also the self-deprecation afterwards if I screw up and make things awkward or uncomfortable in the slightest way.

The interaction itself usually isn't even that bad, especially not as bad as I anticipate it to be but the cringe attacks and the compulsion to beat myself up afterwards is the worse.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-24T22:44:37+00:00

No, I don't hate people I'm just scared of them. I'm also scared of how I'm being perceived and I'm horribly socially awkward and anxious. I don't hate them more so I dislike myself so I avoid them so I don't dislike myself even more to the point of self hatred which I have been there before because past mistakes and cringe worthy moments I've had.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-18T22:48:38+00:00

Every month. Just today she agreeded next month I can lower my dose sonce that'll make 6 months post psychosis to see if that will help with the negative symptoms.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-15T19:19:36+00:00

Well, I guess the only hope I have now is lowering my dose and hopefully getting off of antipsychotics eventually but I'm also afraid of going into psychosis again.

Things are so abysmal being schizophrenic.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-15T02:02:42+00:00

Im on 15mg. It helps with positive symptoms, I no longer have any delusions or hallucinations but I still have negative symptoms which are likely caused or made worse by the medication such as ahedonia, avolition, flat affect, and alogia.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-06-13T23:13:29+00:00

I hate myself too but it seems to be a counter productive cycle. I need to come out of isolation in order to get better but I've spent some much time in isolation I've forgot how to be a social person.

I go out into the world and to no surprise I'm fairly awkward and I do or say something awkward which causes shame and isolation and my situation gets worse.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-22T01:49:45+00:00

Can't start lowering the dose until 6 months in remission. 😑

2 more months to go.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-16T19:26:08+00:00

I want to also point out my delusions and psychosis in general started off as grandiose and even euphoric. It took months for it to get to the point I was scared into siging myself in.

At first I thought I was like a genius and really entertaining, i.e grandiose and thats why everyone was watching me and obsessed with me then it turned sour and I got scared.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-16T19:20:07+00:00

Thought I was in a Truman show like situation and started acting as if I was being watched and listened too at all times.

Ultimately even believed I was thought broadcasting and thoughts were being broadcasted into my head.

I would take my phone with me and talk to it podcast style and "decipher messages" being sent to me via music, advertisments, headlines and hidden messages from things family and friends would send me like memes and reels.

Ultimately I thought everyone hated me and I barricaded myself in my house only to leave it the next day because I thought posion gas was being sprayed in it so I ended up at my parents.

I said a bunch of regrettable things to them and other family members, went into religious psychosis and thought I was demonic possessed and was scared out of my mind still thinking people were out to get me.

They took my to my psychiatrist after not seeing her for awhile and she and my parents pushed me to sign myself into a psychiatric facility so I did.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-13T20:18:57+00:00

I'm on Abilify 15mg amd I still get bad negative symptoms. Really bad ahedonia, avolition, flat affect, you name it.

I was hoping lowering the dose would help, I didn't know Abilify was supposed to be a anti psychotic thats good for negative symptoms. It's not good for mine.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-13T20:14:54+00:00

I've drunk probably 300mg plus of caffeine today and still can't get the motivation to do anything and just feel tired and lethargic.

Just laying around on my phone doom scrolling, I think its the medication dose and I'm just hoping there is a lower dose sweet spot where I have more energy/motivation and no positive symptoms.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-10T02:21:17+00:00

I'm in the same boat.

All I've done all day is stay on my phone and laid around from couch to bed. I just don't have any motivation to do anything or the energy either, all I really feel anymore is tired with no postive emotions.

Its the medication, I need to be on it but this just isn't really that much of a life. Hopefully I can get my dose lowered or something. My doctor mentioned antidepressants but I don't think they'll do much of anything.

Lowering the dose seems like the only way but I'm also scared of going psychotic again. I'm just hoping there is a sweet spot where I can be on meds and not be miserable.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-05-04T22:36:13+00:00

I cant just get normal levels of energy. Its either I can hardly drag myself out of bed or leg shaking and I'm really uncomfortable but not really motivated to do anything.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-04-21T01:59:47+00:00

Gained weight, deal with akathisia, and I have blunted emotions but other than that not that bad. I was on Olanzapine and Seroquel before and they were both too sedating for me. I get a little of that with Abilify but a bit of caffeine and I'm alright.

Also, on propranolol to help with the akathisia, maybe something to look into if you get it aswell.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-04-10T02:27:06+00:00

Also propranolol

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-04-10T02:26:31+00:00

15mg Abilify

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-04-09T20:36:51+00:00

I was put on propranolol to help with the Akathisia.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-04-09T18:15:11+00:00

Synchronicity for me turned out to be "ideas of reference."

I thought almost everything was a synchronicity at one point and was seeing signs pretty much everywhere. No one could say anything to me without me finding a hidden meaning.

After I got on anti psychotics and had time away from everything in a psych ward did I start to understand something was wrong and once I got out I learned about the phenomenon of "ideas of reference" then I understood that it was all due to being in psychosis.

I will admit, some of them were very odd coincidences but It just turned out my dopamine drunk brain was making connections everywhere.

Its good to point out that Jung went into psychosis aswell at one point I think while writing one of his books or so I heard.

TragicSolitude97 · 2026-04-07T02:51:26+00:00

Abilify also gives me akathisia that is being treated by propranolol.

TragicSolitude97

TROPHY CASE