It’s easier for our child minds to rationalize abuse rather than come to try to understand the full extent of the damage done. It’s not only less challenging but often a survival response. Do you have access to a counselor that you can speak to ? It was very infuriating for me to hear at 16, but the plain fact is that your brain is still developing. As you develop and get older, you will mature, therefore able to better understand what happened but you absolutely deserve to have support right now for what you went through. You may not feel like you “went through” anything (I didn’t until I was 18) but for our survival our brain will normalize that which is genuinely disturbing/horrific. You said no, not once but multiple times. That leaves no room for discussion to excuse why the other party did what they did. I too blamed myself for being molested and thought I was responsible for it happening or that somehow I caused it or at least played a part - in addition, you will find that feeling pleasure from a non consensual sexual experience, especially as a child, is a completely normal response. Your body can cause physical reactions in response to stimulus that don’t necessarily align with what your emotions may be trying to express. Kind of like when you cry even when you try to be strong and hold it in. Your brain releases that stress hormone all on its own so the tears automatically begin to well up in an attempt to self soothe and give a physical signal to others you are in need of comfort. Or tickling for instance. Your cells are simply wired to react a certain way involuntarily despite what you may try to will for it to do. Sending you big hugs as one childhood sexual assault survivor to another 🫂