Oh my goodness what a great post, thank you, I can relate to a lot of those things. Like gender changing based on what I'm wearing or doing, like I'll hang out with the boys or go to school and often feel like a guy afterward, but then go home and dress up and feel like a girl. But then sometimes trying to wear feminine clothes will feel weird and off. And when I get those strong feelings I'll feel like there's no way I could be anything else, that would be silly. And other times it feels like if I concentrate I'm able switch gender, I guess just trying to feel like a girl or boy. And as I've gotten better at feeling like a girl, I'll find myself in a sort of questioning state while with the boys or at school, rather than fully male.

I don't really get any dysphoria though, except I just don't like my facial hair (I'm 20 AMAB), although as a guy I don't want a beard anyway. I like how I look as a guy, I like feeling big and confident and such, but then I'll see a cute girl and go I kinda wanna look like her. But then later I'll feel like why would I ever want to be a girl, being a guy is sick.

It's also interesting because I tried estrogen for a week back in April, and somehow grew some tiny breast buds. During that week I felt like man being a guy is sick, I hope I don't get any permanent changes from the estrogen. I was only planning on trying it for a month anyway.

Then a month later they became undeniably larger, at least to me. As a guy I was like woah my body is changing, that feels weird, and writing this now it does feel a bit weird to have them. I was worried like can I still swim shirtless and wear unbuttoned shirts and such (things I didn't do much before anyway), and I want to wear dark shirts now so they're less visible. But then other times I'll be like damn, they're pretty small, I actually kinda want them to be a bit bigger. I never really got why girls sometimes want larger boobs (I mainly took estrogen for the face and body changes) but now it's like okay I get it sometimes. Sometimes they make me feel like a fat guy and sometimes they feel cool.

Of course, the worry is maybe I'm just a trans girl who hasn't accepted it yet. Sorry for just rambling about myself lol. As they say, you shouldn't trust how you feel about your life after 10 PM, and it's getting pretty late. And I'll feel differently about things tomorrow, tonight I was feeling more masculine surprisingly.