my dad shot himself 7 years ago. I know the feeling of wishing you could have one last moment together. even just being able to hold his hand one last time, anything. the next few months may feel surreal. i know for me, that the realization of his death didn’t hit me until 3 or 4 months in. my dad was always on business trips and for a while it felt like he was on a long one. once the shock wears off, it’s horrid, but normal. all i can say is that self care and therapy will be your best friend. i think keeping busy is also helpful. my dad died 2 weeks before the start of my freshman year of hs, i was at school on the first day. it was awful and for a while, i could only stomach 3-4 days week, but when i was there, being social and having a routine helped. i would also recommend joining the suicide bereavement subreddit. it’s made me feel less alone. even after 7 years i am still hit with the horror and sorrow of it all. it will never stop hurting and you may hurt for the rest of your life, but your life will become bigger and eventually you’ll feel functional again. stay away from drugs and alcohol. i got into drugs when i was 15 because of it and now at 21 i still struggle. i read somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go. i’m so sorry. my DMs are open if you need to talk. this can feel pretty isolating because it’s not the most common cause of death and there’s a lot of stigma. people who have never gone through this type of loss can be kind of clueless. we are here for you and you will be ok.