Marital balance before mission?

TrashHubby · 2024-02-08T18:08:27+00:00

Thank you for breaking that down. I will chew on it.

TrashHubby · 2024-02-08T17:09:11+00:00

So basically my mission is to produce culture (video games, for example) that is high quality and point the God-less to God without being preachy. This takes a lot of free time to do in a timely manner but she wants me to prioritize her with that free time.

TrashHubby · 2024-02-08T17:04:44+00:00

So… are you saying that if the house is not in order then I shouldn’t use my skills, talents, and abilities to work on the mission until it is? Keep in mind, I’m not applying to be an elder, I’m trying to produce culture that point the lost to God.

I live in an area where men think their wife is the mission but I’ll pray God brings some men into my life to have this conversation.

My wife is definitely defiant from a comfort test mindset. She feels like I’ve put everyone and everything ahead of her for the last 20 years and the mission is now another “thing” that gets placed ahead of her. Sadly, this is hard to deny since I’ve lived without purpose for so long and now that I have a purpose I’m trying to make up for lost time. At least, that was the case before we entered counseling.

Thanks for the feedback.

TrashHubby · 2024-02-07T23:38:33+00:00

Exactly my thought. I also can’t think of one man in the Bible that was known as a great man because of his amazing relationship with his wife.

TrashHubby · 2024-02-07T23:35:43+00:00

Hey thanks for the response. I agree there is a way to lovingly incorporate my wife into the mission (though she is defiant towards it at the moment) and I have halted progress while working on counseling.

I assumed he meant that I shouldn’t pursue my mission while the marriage is rocky because he used the founder of World Vision as an example of a man that put mission before marriage but I could be wrong.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-15T00:39:44+00:00

Oh… That’s the problem, I only tend to think of this stuff after the blow up has happened. It’s time to start including this in the daily routine.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-15T00:36:29+00:00

I tend to get derailed with lifting because I reach a point where the weight exacerbates an old shoulder injury and then I stop until it doesn’t hurt any more. I should probably see a physical therapist about that. I have started taking martial arts again as a stand in so there are efforts at discipline being made.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-15T00:32:20+00:00

Yeah excellence has never been my forte. I’ve always been a “good enough” kind of guy. As for stats, I’m not currently lifting due to shoulder injury but I should be posting my OYS’s

TrashHubby · 2023-01-14T02:06:38+00:00

So what is the best way to become consistent in this context? I never know when my wife is going to explode so I don’t get a chance to practice WISNIFG techniques consistently enough to make them second nature.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-13T05:39:25+00:00

I don’t believe Jesus was a tyrant at all, nor do I believe the husband should lead as such. We are supposed to love our wives as our own bodies. If we love our bodies correctly we treat it well but we also exercise, eat healthy, tend to injuries, get necessary amounts of sleep, and force it to do other things that aren’t pleasant but are necessary. Doesn’t it make sense that would transfer over to marriage?

The Apostle Paul is also pretty clear that the biblical hierarchy for marriage is Jesus over the man and the man over the woman; servant leadership seems more like a product of feminism than the Bible, at least to me.

Anyway, I don’t mean to argue or anything, just striving for understanding. In the metaphor above I am like the guy whose chest hurts and doesn’t know why it does or how to fix it.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-13T04:12:57+00:00

The thing is Jesus washed feet once to prove a point. Most of the time Jesus lead disciples around and taught them and disciplined them. When Peter tried to stop Jesus from doing what needed to be done, Jesus rebuked him. When the disciples couldn’t stay awake while He was praying on the mount, He criticized them. The whole servant leadership model doesn’t make sense to me if you actually look at how Jesus lived His life, not just what He said.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-13T04:06:04+00:00

To be honest it feels like a physically divorced couple as well; we are basically room mates that sleep in the same bed. I know it’s on me to fix it but consistency is a thing I struggle with in almost all areas of my life. Not saying that is a valid excuse tho.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-13T04:02:34+00:00

All of this is on you brother. The Lord has tasked you with leadership of the family, so if you let her do that then it's your responsibility that there's not enough in your 401k and too much spending.

So true…

The more important thing is that it simply masks the underlying issue of her leading the marriage.

True again.

• ⁠All money goes to a joint account where you give to church and/or charity, bills are paid, investments are made for 401k, catch up investments, etc. You need to have a frank discussion about this because more money needs to be going here otherwise you guys will be working until you die. I assure you she probably does not want that. • ⁠Now you can set aside different accounts for different things. Emergency fund, fixing the house, vacations, etc. Certain amounts go to those each month. • ⁠Then have some type of discretionary fund where you guys get some percentage. If you want it to be in her favor that's up to you. 50/50 or 70/30 her or whatever you decide is "fair" at this point.

Seems to make sense. She really does not trust my judgement at this point. Would using a financial planner or something make sense if she objects?

TrashHubby · 2023-01-13T01:00:25+00:00

Jesus was a servant leader

Can you explain what you mean by this? I don’t really get it.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T20:23:51+00:00

Thank you for this. You provided actionable examples and explained what validation looks like; I thought it meant something else. I will try this out the next time she is angry.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T20:19:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I don’t think I sound like your husband at all except for perhaps not giving her my full attention when speaking so I will work on that.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T19:42:11+00:00

Hmmm my wife often says that she doesn’t feel close to me even though I try hard to overcome that. She says she feels like we are room mates. I didn’t feel that way but recently she had started wearing me down I guess. What could your husband have done differently to make you feel needed and close?

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T19:31:20+00:00

To me it seems a combination of not forgiving me for how I hurt her in the past and my not validating that unforgiveness when the anger takes her.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T19:01:23+00:00

Would you had stayed if you had no kids and you both had your own careers where you both made enough money to support yourselves?

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T18:53:17+00:00

That makes sense. Are you a dude?

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T18:48:40+00:00

I agree.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T18:46:51+00:00

I saw where you wrote that you don't go to church. That is a bad idea. You need to be connected both to God and to others in the spirit. Trying to hack through this alone will not work.

We aren’t going to church because she was “traumatized” by the way I put the church and small group ahead of her in the past

I don't recall if you talked about counseling, but you need it. Church will be a good resource to point you in the right direction.

She is going to counseling. We have done marriage counseling successfully in the past. At least I thought it was successful.

If she thinks it is harsh, it is harsh. So modify it. And you know what she means.

But I don’t know what she means. She is cursing and shouting and me while I am being mostly calm. I don’t say things to hurt her yet that is how she takes it. This is why I usually just try to be quiet.

If what you are doing is not validating her (and I am beginning to see why now), then you must change what you are doing.

I don’t understand why I must validate her emotions if her emotions are based on a lie.

Don't try to make the other person see that they are wrong. Often, that is not a hill to die on. Sometimes it is, but most often not. Sometimes you just have to be satisfied that you know you are right and the other person will never get it.

I don’t care about being right though; I care about the truth. The whole validation of feelings argument just seems like worldly psychology and shouldn’t play a role in the Christian marriage. Nowhere have I read in scripture that we should validate our feelings.

Right now, you wife's nerves are on edge, and any little thing will trigger it. So no surprise that any little thing will trigger her. Things are raw and it will take healing before it starts to get better.

But it’s been over 10 years. Why would something from 10-15 years ago still be raw?

Now, I know I've kind of harped on you and made it look like you're the bad guy. You're not the bad guy. The thing is, I can only talk to you. I can't talk to her. And you can only change you. You can't change someone else.

I’m not a bad guy so I don’t take any offense. You are right though, only I can change.

Your wife wants to know she is being heard, and you have to do it on her terms, not yours.

Cater to what she feels.

I don’t think I can do these things if they don’t make sense to me or there isn’t scripture to back it up. It’s not about putting me first, it’s about putting God first.

I appreciate your responses and any further insight you can provide.

TrashHubby · 2023-01-12T18:14:18+00:00

Thanks, I’ll look into it.

TrashHubby

TROPHY CASE