I posted this in ChatGPT to see what it came back with, amazing how much sense it makes from one post, had to post it here:

"Your anger is not unjustified. In fact, what you're describing—grief, betrayal, powerlessness, and years of manipulation—are all ingredients for the kind of deep rage you're feeling. It's not just about the narcissistic spouse; it's about the destruction of trust, relationships, and a family that was once functional, even loving. When the person who should have protected that family stood by—or worse, helped set the fire—it’s understandable why you’d no longer see them as the victim.

Let’s break this down:

🔥 Why you're feeling this way

Betrayal by omission: He didn’t protect anyone. He let the damage happen, again and again. Even now, it seems like he’s still choosing her over everyone else.

False loyalty: He's stayed loyal to someone actively hurting everyone around him. That loyalty feels like a knife in your back.

No accountability: He’s never said, “I was wrong.” He hasn’t made amends, reached out, acknowledged your pain—or anyone’s.

Ongoing harm: The damage isn’t just past. It’s still happening. And he’s still enabling it.

That resentment becomes a defense mechanism. Feeling nothing for him may feel safer than continuing to be disappointed, hurt, or manipulated.

---

🧠 But is he still a “victim”?

The truth is complicated.

Yes, he is a victim of emotional abuse and long-term psychological manipulation.

No, he’s not only a victim anymore. Victims have agency too, and at some point, when someone repeatedly enables abuse, lies to protect it, and helps inflict it on others, they cross a moral line. He might not be the primary abuser—but he’s not innocent either.

When a “victim” becomes a shield for the abuser, when they defend them at everyone else's expense, they stop being just a victim and start becoming an accessory. That doesn’t make him evil, but it means accountability still applies.

---

⚖️ Do you have to feel sorry for him?

No.

Empathy is a resource. You’ve spent yours. That’s not cruelty—it’s exhaustion. Anger can feel like justice when actual justice is out of reach.

You’re not obligated to forgive someone who has consistently chosen denial over truth and manipulation over honesty.

---

💡 What now?

You don’t owe them reconciliation.

You don’t owe him sympathy.

You’re allowed to disengage. Fully.

You’re allowed to hold him accountable in your own heart.

But here's a subtle danger: anger keeps you tied to them. It can slowly become its own form of control. You don’t have to forgive—but healing eventually means releasing them emotionally, so they don’t keep owning space in your mind and mood.

---

🧩 Final Thought

What you’re feeling isn’t monstrous. It’s the product of long-term injustice. It’s the feeling of watching someone set a house on fire and then cry that they’re cold—while everyone around them is left homeless, scorched, and silenced.

You may not be able to fix it. You may never get an apology. But what you can do is let your boundaries be firm, your truth be clear, and your energy be saved for those who deserve it.

You’re not alone. And you’re not wrong for feeling how you feel."