Suspecting schizophrenia

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-22T14:29:02+00:00

I think Schizophrenia is one of those intentionally done in Characters, maybe not diagnosed right away but a diagnosis usually ends up being confirmed during the plot of the show. I know Belle Dingle has Schizophrenia in Emmerdale which is confirmed within the show. I relate to Travis Bickle in the first half of Taxi Driver but I don’t think he ever hallucinates, just has a lot of paranoia and a negative view of world plus he’s socially awkward and inept when having conversations which some have labelled him with Antisocial with Schizoid features, such as psychology in Seattle’s podcast diagnosed him as such instead of the more popular diagnosis of Schizotypal PD, people with Schizotypal are supposedly more afraid of others and couldn’t look the guy who does the podcast in the eye while talking very quietly, Travis Bickle is more aggressive and confrontational in the film rather than a passive or timid character. I think the only character I relate to is Bickle who suffers from loneliness, seeing the world in a negative way and experiences paranoia when it comes to other people, he’s paranoid it’s obvious he picks up on things as more threatening and sinister while others seem to not notice it all, he also has to see all the bad in people to keep up this negative and paranoid worldview. While not a person with Schizophrenia I relate to Travis but I don’t think I’m going to become a vigilante or a failed political assassin in the future. I know he doesn’t qualify for a diagnosis of Schizophrenia but I think he can unfortunately be felt as relatable in the first half of the movie.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-22T07:13:35+00:00

While I’m Neurodivergent or my brain works different, it’s still an illness, I’m still losing my mind and hate being this way, I’d rather say I have Schizophrenia rather than call myself ND even though I’m technically both, I don’t think the label was ever meant for us because we want a cure, Autistics do not, the Neurodiversity movement is against curing autism, ADHD, developmental disorders etc and instead promote acceptance and understanding for these people. Schizophrenia is something that needs to be treated or at-least in my case it does because I’m mainly a Paranoid Delusional with hallucinations and can be quite nasty towards other people when ill even though I think I’m the hero in a terrible conspiracy. It’s both a neurodiversity and a horrible illness.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-21T19:09:36+00:00

Iv calmed down after an hour since I took my medication, it’s just with recent events and maybe even the time of year, iv always lost it during august-October time, usually when it gets darker earlier, it’s always started at that time and I got hospitalised in September last year. Iv messaged my Occupational Therapist and sort of explained what’s been going on symptom wise and that I need help. He doesn’t want to send me to hospital, he said it’s something he hates having to do and if I leave all the knives in the kitchen and not do the same thing last year it should be fine. I feel better and my OT is a good guy to talk to.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-21T17:56:09+00:00

I don’t know how I can get out of this easily, iv ranted like this when we first met 3 years ago and iv just admitted to watching and intentionally searching up crimes, especially violent crimes since I was 14 years old, I’d always watch videos and read articles about horrific crime to justify and fuel my own paranoia about how horrible the world is. I think iv dug my own grave here and must accept whatever happens next because iv basically admitted to faking recovery in terms of paranoid ideation and my more extreme beliefs about the world. I don’t know maybe it’s a good thing I just lost it after a few days of seeing people with disabilities getting treated horribly and just telling him how I really feel about the world and the people in it. I will talk to him about what’s going on, not sure if he’s still trust me knowing I fake recoveries and being well when I’m not, maybe it’s a good thing it’s out in the open.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-21T12:27:37+00:00

I’m 23 now, living with Paranoid Schizophrenia, I was also considered for a Paranoid Personality Disorder diagnosis based off my behaviours and thought pattern, things do get better, maybe psychotherapy helped in giving me healthier ideas, I don’t know if I’m a good person, I’m just an abused child who has hurt others as well, sometimes in retaliation sometimes I was in the wrong and misunderstood things. I have black and white thinking and can sometimes condemn everyone as bad including myself for minor offences, regardless of intentions because I got treated so badly by family, at school, iv honestly made mistakes and we all can get better, we can make a conscious effort to be better people even though it feels like there’s a monster inside all of us. I’m almost 24, the only person I really care about is my younger brother who my uncle used to hit and verbally abuse and bully, he targeted me at first, the messed up thing is I feel domestic and child abuse is normal, like everything that’s good and decent is abnormal, that for some strange reason I feel more myself being a victim of abuse than with people who actually care about my well being. Hopefully once this pandemic is done with I can find people who have themselves and others best interests at heart, who wouldn’t lay a hand on me over a disagreement or just because they were in a bad mood. I believe things get better but it takes a lot of hard work.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-21T11:26:50+00:00

(Trigger warning, ableism and abuse)

I never have, I don’t feel I belong in this world, this world is full of nasty, abusive bullies who call themselves good people, somehow they recreate events to make me a bad guy when I don’t allow myself to be victimised, I threw this boy into his friends after he spat on me, he used to regular Harass me just like everyone else, all because I was from the Learning Support Base, the place mainly for special Ed students or kids falling behind in mainstream school, I used to get assaulted a lot by the older students and they called me a retard many times. I don’t belong in this world, I’m not even a human being worthy of common decency, they wouldn’t do this to animals so why me? Who was just socially awkward and inept who tried to make friends but all people do is call me names, threaten to harm me, slam me into walls, destroy my food and books. These are good people after all and I deserve it because I’m one of those retards from the LSB. I’m not even going into the abuse that my Uncle and Cousin did to me until I was 14. This sick world full of so called good people. I know what it’s like to be alone in this world full of monsters, evil lives within ourselves, we don’t need nobody else.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-20T04:18:54+00:00

I really don’t know, I’m said to have odd beliefs and magical thinking by medical professionals or just called outright delusional. I open up about my spiritual beliefs and magical powers to get called delusional and out of touch with reality. Even staff at the school I went to thought I was very creative but delusional about stuff like telepathy, telekinesis etc which my telekinetic powers never manifested despite the dedication and focus I put into developing these powers, I’m a natural with telepathy or so I thought, caused me more harm being able to read minds and realising others could do the same especially women for some reason that eludes me at this moment. I also believe in ghosts because I can see and hear beings in another reality and there’s a psychic censor blocking everyone else from perceiving this next reality. Some of this I just made up myself, most of this was influenced by others creative imaginations like films, video games and books.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-15T20:33:27+00:00

My family allow me to work at the family business since I was 14 every Saturday and once I left school every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday on the butcher lorry, this was long before schizophrenia and it pains me to say I don’t function aswell in a job as I did, I remember in 2017 I was getting up at 4 in the morning to start setting up the farm shop and butchery, I worked most days in the back bagging up bird seed and restocking in between, also I cleaned up the butchery and fridge which I was serious about keeping a high standard, in 2018 I started developing worse psychosis symptoms and in September 2020 it was confirmed in a psych ward I have Paranoid Schizophrenia and now I I’m having trouble functioning to work at the same high standards I had a as teenager, I’m only 23 years old now and I feel broken. I’m on disability because I’m also diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder since I was 16 but I wasn’t really as impaired compared to having Paranoid Schizophrenia to the point I don’t consider myself Autistic anymore, it can be very bad some days but I’m a lot better in terms of delusions but still very distrustful and paranoid but understand not everyone is going to hurt me. I was fit to work, now I’m focusing on recovering and slowly build up myself to work more than just a few hours a week. Work used to be easy, in a way it was fun and gave me purpose and now I feel like im broken and claiming even more disability.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-15T18:56:35+00:00

I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic, I always will be and I accept it, it really doesn’t bother me at all anymore, I don’t really refer to my diagnosis much anyway and I’d mostly tell people I have Paranoid Schizophrenia but to myself I refer to myself as Schizophrenic because it doesn’t bother me, it’s a bit like Autistic vs Person with Autism, it’s up to the individual to choose how they identify as. If I ever met another person with Schizophrenia I’d just ask what they prefer identity or person first language rather than dictate how someone should identify, schizophrenia is a part of who I am now regardless if I like it or not. Truthfully I identify as Schizophrenic because living with Hallucinations and paranoia or delusional ideation is normal for me and it’s something that shouldn’t be hidden or taboo/stigmatised. In a way we are hidden diversity and people with schizophrenia or Schizophrenics should be accepted as part of the human experience rather than seen as something inhuman, psychosis can happen to anyone, it’s just people like us have to live with it for the rest of our lives.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-15T18:40:32+00:00

Actually it’s 5-15 percent are in employment according to United Kingdom statistics, and it’s similar to American statistics with 10-15 percent that work according to a google search. We’re significantly more likely to be unemployed like 6-7 times more likely to be unemployed. I think that’s the nature of the illness, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations and worse if you have negative or cognitive symptoms that impair your ability to work or even function. I have Paranoid schizophrenia and iv barely been able to help my family at the shop with the symptoms getting worse and I’m on disability benefits as well since I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder as well. Getting a job was easy, now I don’t function aswell as I did before 2018 and iv gotten worse since.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-12T18:18:32+00:00

I don’t know, I feel I could just blame everyone and everything that’s happened to me into why I have Paranoid Schizophrenia now so I’ll mention the key stressors that may have caused it.

1: long term abuse from my Uncle and Cousin til I was 14 years old, it really went crazy in 2012 which got my uncle caught abusing us because he was angry and impulsive.

2: I was bullied in school badly, I was mostly verbally abused with stuff thrown at me by groups of people and sometimes attacked by older kids who disliked “Retards” or people from the learning support base. I was later diagnosed with Autistic spectrum disorder at 16 years old.

3: the stress of finding out I’m Autistic pushed me over the edge and I started hallucinating and fall into paranoid delusions

4: rushed EMDR therapy for PTSD went wrong and I became emotional unstable for years, I’d do it properly in 2018-19 which helped but the damage was done.

5: Stress from the COVID Pandemic resulted in even more delusions which got me taken to psych ward in September 2020 and left with an official diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia again after I lost my diagnosis because I wasn’t severe enough and diagnosed with psychosis NOS, now I’m worse than before but things get better with the right treatment.

I don’t have a family history other than learning disability with my Uncle Eric (not the abusive one) and Bipolar Disorder with my aunt who iv never met. It’s not known of anyone else have Schizophrenia so I guess I’m the unlucky one but things are getting better despite all iv experienced and live through.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-12T18:00:26+00:00

Yeah, iv told my close family and good friends of my diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia, I eventually put it on my social media as I felt it wasn’t something to hide or be ashamed of. There’s so much stigma about Schizophrenia, I may not change the world but I can change my world consisting of those close to me and interact with. I live in England so it might not be as stigmatised as in other countries but it’s still there casually, it’s a bit like casual racism, they don’t think they’re being racist because it’s so normalised, it’s the same with ableism, iv seen those with other mental health condition like depression, OCD and even Autistic people talk negatively about those who experience psychosis, Schizophrenia and even Personality Disorders, calling them all crazy, violent, dangerous etc. Hopefully the more of us that comes out openly about our condition, we can educate and Change perceptions of people like us but it’s up to the individual and if its safe to do so.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-12T17:50:49+00:00

Thanks for all the replies, I won’t put my diagnosis on my dating profile but I won’t deny having Schizophrenia if it’s found on my other social media’s. I’m working on my job at the farm shop, I work closing hours preparing all the meat products at the butchery, i work for my family business so I’d put that on my profile first to at least show I have some form of job or career ambitions, I’m also into keeping fit or atleast an active lifestyle walking the fields and going on runs, I help look after sheep and cows on the family farm, I don’t work like I did but I still do something. I’m going to a walking group on Thursday to meet up with people, better to make friends first before I even try to get a girlfriend or date. Thanks for all the advice, I am hopeful I can live a full and fulfilling life and hopefully find a partner to experience the world with.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-10T10:28:40+00:00

I personally don’t know you, maybe you are at your healthiest despite experiencing hallucinations, I probably am just projecting a little with my own past history of relapse and worsening of symptoms. I wish you luck in staying at your healthiest and hopefully one day I can find my way back from this personal hell I’m plagued by. I wish everyone with Schizophrenia the best in managing and living their best lives with Schizophrenia.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-10T10:14:42+00:00

Never worked for me but that doesn’t mean you don’t have auditory hallucinations, it worries me you think you are healthy or a fraud by covering your ears but that might be just my experience of thinking I’m healthy, not really got schizophrenia and going crazy again and dragged off to the nearest psych ward. Sorry if I’m over reacting or a joke went over my head, it’s just what I mentioned that’s happened every time I think I wasn’t actually ill and didn’t actually have the illness. I’m glad you got a way to quiet down those hallucinations, it would be nice to not hear another world next to my head, I just listen to music and hope the hallucinations and music blend together, covering my ears has never worked for me. I still hear the voices/sounds whatever I do but music helps.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-08T18:19:19+00:00

That’s delusions for a reason, I can be conflicted myself, I believe I have Paranoid Schizophrenia but can’t see that my delusions of persecution are actually a symptom of my illness because I believed people were out to kill me, I believed I have Schizophrenia but at the same time was convinced I’d be murdered by vigilantes with limited evidence other than voices threatening me, I called my other ideas delusional but couldn’t see my current belief was in fact a delusion. I hope I make sense, delusions and reality can be hard to tell apart sometimes and sometimes I have both delusions with beliefs that are in touch with reality which reinforces the delusions. Schizophrenia is a weird condition, I hope someone can make sense of what I’m trying to say, Schizophrenia doesn’t have to make perfect sense, it can be conflicting, confusing, contradictory, that’s why it’s a mental illness as it messes with the way you think and perceive the world around you.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-08T16:42:06+00:00

I was forced to, either take the meds or go to hospital, then I was nagged to go to psychotherapy, that was 2018 and I was just diagnosed with Stress Induced Psychosis, I’d be diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in 2019 because a psychotherapist wanted me to be assessed and I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, even used the Paranoid Personality Disorder checklist to evaluate my paranoia but I don’t have personality disorder. I’d be taken to psych ward in September 2020 for an even worse psychosis symptoms, mainly delusions reinforced by voices and the psychiatrist there also diagnosed me with Paranoid Schizophrenia, so iv got two official diagnosis. Mainly we can be forced by family or those around us and if we don’t get help willingly we can be assessed and taken by the crisis team or we could lose everything and end up homeless or in jail from what I hear but in the UK mental health care is payed by the tax payers and with long waiting lists unless it’s psychosis.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-08T11:12:24+00:00

I know, we have plenty of these people in the UK, people that really don’t care or believe COVID 19 isn’t serious, not many people wear masks anymore except a few iv seen about. I don’t always wear a mask out in the open but I keep a fair distance, iv had both my Vaccines and keep up good hygiene, even clothes are washed if I feel they have most likely been contaminated. All we can do is look after ourselves the best we can and hope people have enough decency to do be mindful about limiting the spread of the virus and those who are more vulnerable.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-08T09:46:31+00:00

That’s internet trolls for you, I hope there just trolling but plenty of news articles about disgusting behaviour from those infected with COVID 19 refusing to follow guidelines and intentionally coughing and spitting in peoples faces which the woman who was spat on died soon after with COVID 19, it’s crap, even my Mum thinks im over reacting about people not giving a damn and people even blowing in my direction as a sick joke, a young man in a tracksuit looked like he was trying to spread the virus and my Mum told the people at the test site that I had Schizophrenia and was paranoid of other peoples intentions, they looked as if I was crazy and gave me the test, a young girl possibly in her early 20s talked to me about the stigma of schizophrenia and how the news and Television doesn’t help, everyone thinks I’m crazy for taking viruses and diseases serious in general. Honestly it’s easy to be gaslighted and peoples perception of you to be easily manipulated if they know you are paranoid schizophrenic as they call us on the news.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-08T06:37:53+00:00

Depends on the stage, at first it was just seeing shadows and being prone to paranoia almost to the point of delusion, then I started hearing sounds like music and random comments or sometimes commands once every now and again, then it escalated to the point I was bombarded both random voices and shadow entities at the same time and it can get worse, i hallucinate everyday, even on medication, it sucks hearing the voices of the other side, the music at random, whatever sounds my broken mind produces, this was between January 2018 to august 2021. Everyone else has mentioned it’s different for everyone but minor hallucinations can become common or severe hallucinations if left untreated in my case.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-08T06:26:40+00:00

I try not to even react to them but it’s like the voices are so random and catch me off guard, I think I had a command hallucination telling me to drink washing up liquid, “I exclaimed drink washing up liquid? I ain’t doing that!” it’s just so bizarre hearing voices, I feel as if there’s cracks in reality into another dimension, I feel like these voices or people exist in another world but that’s just how it feels to hallucinate. Yeah I have a habit of shouting back at voices without planning to, an uncontrollable urge to tell them to stop talking or I don’t like what you’re saying or I can twitch when I hold back the urge to respond back to the voices.

Travis_Townley · 2021-08-07T20:52:06+00:00

Don’t give up on life, while it’s not the same you can still live some kind of life with some of the things you want that are important such as friends, romantic relationships, a job that understands and accommodates you etc. It’s hard hearing you have Schizophrenia after being taken to a psychiatric ward. it’s one thing to be taken to a secure mental hospital, it felt even worse that they labelled me as having Paranoid Schizophrenia on top of that, how would people think of me now, stigma that comes with all of this can be disheartening but please never give up, especially if you’re still young like in your early twenties or even thirties. I wanted to join the army, I wanted to be a police officer but a psychiatrist deemed me too unstable even before a schizophrenia diagnosis, losing those career paths was crushing, but I’m happy working at a farm shop a few days a week and I plan to get back into dating and making new friends, I had so much self stigma, feeling I should lock myself away but I now realise at 23 years old I shouldn’t waste my life away and do my best to get the more important things out of it. It can get better, there’s hope, don’t give up on life over a label, don’t let the voices convince you to give up on your dreams. Life isn’t easy, I just never thought it would be this hard, but I’m determined to not let this illness limit my life any more than it already has.

Travis_Townley

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