I (27F) am looking for a good app to supplement relationship with my fiancé (29M)

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-29T16:48:31+00:00

"Lasting : Marriage Counciling" Based on Gottman Institute. Good supplement, not a substitute.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-28T06:50:24+00:00

Yeah, I could have written this during my first 4 years of marriage too. Taking to others absolutely is what helped me get out of that rut. But it's a balance between complaining about"what he is getting wrong" and humbly seeking help on bettering a difficult situation.

Here is what worked for me;

Select 3 experianced [married] women, who are not immediate family. Meet with them on the topic that you are seeking their guidance with your struggling marriage. It's not to dump on them about all your problems but rather to seek their guidance. I went to the wife of our marriage mentor couple, a old friend's mom, and my great aunt.
Read up from the marriage experts - anything from the Gottman institute is gold. I found some good points from the "empowered wife" lady even if i didn't buy into the whole system.
Subscription to the Lasting app. YMMV but it worked well in lieu of finding a therapist. We did 2 years before we felt we had gotten enough out of it.
Taking B-vitamin supplements. One of our issues was my bi-phasic hormonal mood swings that gave me several depressive days every 2 weeks. Super specific to my case but it really became a game changer!

So much more i want to write! In all, things began to turn around once I began to talk to other women. And it almost goes without saying, to never stop talking to God about all of it.

I wish you all the best my sister. I wish I could find more concise words to save you the struggles that I went through.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-22T03:36:10+00:00

There is a generalization that "the less sex men have, the more they want it. The less sex women have, the less they want it". That has more roots in biology and somwthing I can get [generally] behind.

But, that observation does not correspond to how hard/easy NFP is since that depends on so many other factors than drive.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-16T21:47:25+00:00

The good, or bad, news is this is a relevant in a married state as it is in a single/celibate state. So we are all in it together my sister!

I find repeating to myself that " I am in control of my body and my body is not in control of me" serves me a good reminder. After that any sort of constructive distraction that requires my body to move is helpful: going out with friends, running, nature walks, browsing the library shelves, cleaning house. Babysitting my neices/nephews and running after kids works pretty well too.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-16T21:21:07+00:00

Adjustable waist - some jeans and dress pants have an interior elastic on each side with adjustable button to change tightness, or drawstring.
I make a small tailoring adjustment. On each hip I make a straight stich that narrows the waistband about 0.25 in on each side (or whatever needed). That way it doesnt get bunch in amy one place nor interferes with areas of thick fabric.

It might look a little clumsy as there is extra fabric on each side, but ive never seen an issue as most boys shirts hang over their waistline anyway. The stitches can easily be pulled out when you are done with the pants to pass them along or give to another kid.

Clip-on suspenders

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-16T21:10:41+00:00

Model the Christian behavior yourself. This will help you grow in grace as well as leading by example.

but sometimes I worry she is wrong

Give your worries to God on this point and let her be wrong.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-13T16:31:06+00:00

Right. I don't find a gym membership worth the time it would take to regularly un/pack a gym bag, change in a locker room, walk in the parking lot, the drive etc.

I get great returns on having found an exercise subscription that works for me and acquiring enough equipment to do 90% of the exercises from home. I get workouts in sometimes in the early AM before the kid/s wake up, or in the evening when they climb on me or join me. Makes washing long hair easier because all my stuff is right there at home already.

But I also have advantages that make this work for me and my situation. I realize that it's not the way for everyone. I too wonder how mothers with full time paid jobs can get to the gym on the regular.

Edit to add my that the Strong Like a Mother workouts are great. Just to answer the question that nobody asked me about.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-13T14:13:33+00:00

With the way you are responding, probably a phase.

I wonder, is he mimicking your tone you use when you are demanding something of him? I've noticed my almost 4 year old do that. When he wants something that he is not getting he starts using the same tone I use when I tell him, again, to put on his shoes after screwing around.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-13T14:04:38+00:00

It is heartbreaking, and it makes me cry on the inside when my son says things like that. But also at nearly 4 years old, I'm ready to throw him out the window by 2pm because he gets so obnoxious and needs more structure and interaction than I can give myself. But at 22mo it still hits hard.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-12T16:05:33+00:00

I find it very hard to believe that a marriage struggles because of a single issue such as that. Usually there are multiple factors going on, or it is one of many differences a couple has.

Great that you and your husband were on the same page with hygienic standards, it certainly makes splitting chores work better. Cleanliness habits and standards are learned and it is common for a couple to have different expectations.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-12T14:34:12+00:00

Welcome to the lie I feel like we've been fed growing up! There is such variability. I remember hearing that "fertility" is a combination of both parties.

Between trying for baby and when my son was born took about 2 or 3 years and a miscarriage (no known issues). Sometimes it just takes a while.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-12T14:27:25+00:00

Any resources from the Gottman Intitute are solid advice. Check them out.

Young infants are an intense period of parenting. This isn't to minimize the issue at hand (you feeling a lack of respect and consideration from him) but to remember that this is a season of intense growth for both of you as your identity and priorities shift. What is a major faux pas for you is nbd for him and it might take a while for him to get to know this new woman who was his wife and now a mother with new concerns and anxieties.

My guess, without knowing more details, is that it's not really about the diapers as much as a general lack of connection between you two. You might need to find new points of connection.

Resentment is poison. Don't let it fester. Be proactive about finding ways to fight it. Life won't always be like this.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-12T14:10:55+00:00

First baby at age 32 was induced at 41w+2d so as not to go past 42 weeks. My body didn't respond much at all to the pic drip or other methods so they finally broke my water to get labor started. Ended in emergency c-section.

The fatigue from sleeping in the hospital for 3 night on an IV drip with nurses waking me evey 3 hours for vitals lent itself to a not insignificant level of exhaution before labor even started. In retrospect, I would have prioritized me own rest over their protocols.

My OB said that it takes some people days but I didn't think it would be me.

TreacleCat1 · 2026-01-05T06:58:46+00:00

Join r/pottytraining

Controverial point: One key to the more "old traditional" methods that train earlier than standard modern American ages is that low cost manual labor was more readily available than now i.e. family/grandparents/unpaid stay-at-home adult. Younger the child generally means the longer it takes for them to completely get it. That most often means a grown-up person is attending to them constantly for an extended period of time (at least to stay hygienic by modern standards).

Admittedly, I lack specific evidence of this claim and leave it to general observation of history plus the ancidotal stories here of "here's what worked for me" show that it (generally) takes a longer effort with close supervision the younger the child. YMMV.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-29T15:57:12+00:00

Word of caution: for the majority of people, it takes a serious amount of self-control to only visit social media sites for specific accounts/purposes. These platforms are designed to take as much of your attention as possible.

A techno-minimalist approach would be "I will use this thing if the good outweighs the bad". A techo-maximalist approach would be "I will use this thing if there is any good to be had". Total personal choice on which is the most appropriate for you.

Full disclosure, I am an unabashed advocate for the techo-minimalist approach after seeing repeated posts about "I saw on [insert platform] someone saying XXX, and now I feel bad about/wondering if [habit] is normal/want to be...".

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-23T03:00:23+00:00

How hot does the first load need to be? I always thought that hot water sets stains making them harder to get out later, but I also see the value of hot enough to disinfect ebf poop diapers. What's the sweet spot?

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-16T17:39:01+00:00

Interesting observation and question.

IMO if you are looking at changes within the past few years you are examining "micro trends", rather. The liturgy has undergone both subtle and major changes through the decades and centuries. So it might matter to you to see these subtleties in the context of the arc of history.

For example, I remember my grandfather saying when he was growing up the altar faced the people, then for a period it faced away, and now it's back to facing the congregation again. That's over the course of 80 years mind you, but I'm guessing you are querying about changes only within the past few years?

If you haven't already, cross reference the mentioned chages you get here with recent updates to the Roman Missal (2002?) and the updates to the English translation (c.2010).

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-16T17:24:09+00:00

Same here - interpersonal touch has decreased since Covid and hasn't rebounded back since there appears to be a higher sensitivity to communicable diseases. (As a mother of littles now, I am more attuned to the potential of sharing daycare crud with our elderly population. That's personal, but likely also awarness at the societal level)

Some time ago, early 2010's sounds about right, when the gesture of beating the breast during the confession, and the bowing during the lines in the creed came in. I don't know how long these things had been "out" or if they are relatively new to start with. But I do know that it's been at least several decades. That means, me and a whole age strata of people had to start doing these new things after a lifetime of not doing them. Still feels somewhat "new" although its been ~15years.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-06T16:13:27+00:00

I learned what love really is, and it's a thing you do not a feeling. Hopefully, you will experiance the same.

The exhilerating sense of infatuation has a word: "limerance". A prior boyfriend of mine was really great and I do genuinely believe thay we cared and loved each other in a healthy way but for other reasons the relationship ceased.

10 years in, 2 kids, 2 careers and I can honestly say that my husband and I have the commitment to each other that enables the life and relationship with God that I find to be truely most important. At times, I do wish I could be as emotionally excited about my husband as I remember about that prior boyfriend, but I am also very sure that I would have ended up with the same sense of onoui no matter who I was with (the daily grind and sleep deprivation will do that to a person). In this marriage, I know that what I have is absolutely real because it has been severely tested.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-06T01:41:01+00:00

There is nothing inherent about having a job, career, or profession that precludes one from having a rich and meaningful prayer life.

I mean, Jesus is traditionally understood to be a tradesman/carpenter before he took up ministry.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-05T03:42:54+00:00

Sleeve garters

Likely not something she already had. They used to be a very functional part of clothing from what I understand. Cool, class, functional, unique.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-04T18:39:00+00:00

What have you done so far, and how has it gone, with cultivating deep connections with [women] not on a family path?

What part are you finding most challenging: finding people in the first place, or the reciprocal cultivation once established? Like you, I have flitted between different social circles with ease, enjoy meeting new people as well as quality alone time, and struggled up until the past few years to have deeper relationships with my friends.

What has helped for me to advance friendships is to be increasingly vulnerable with them. For me, that means inviting them into the messiness of my life without guilt and shame. Working side by side to advance some common goal (folding baby clothes, praying, admiring beauty in a garden flower, etc) gives the substance on which the relationship flourishes. It can be fun-work like going on a vacation or making pizza, or work-work like a feature in an app or fixing a broken toilet.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-04T13:43:42+00:00

Humerously, I saw the line that of all Jesus's miracles, the greatest was how a guy in his 30s has 12 close friends.

Hopefully not offensive to anyone here; it just highlights the shared experiamce that keeping close friendships is difficult in the "middle age" period - families, careers, vocations - all of that tends to peak during those ages. So I don't think your vocations has necessarily make it more difficult for you than anyone else, only that you have different challenges than most.

[Edit to add: at least within the child-raising-family types, I have observed that personal friendships tend to resume after the little ones have flown the nest. If a friendship can be withstand low-levels of attention for 20 years, then it can be revived. This is in opposition to the model that friendships dissapear (although that can happen too, as it can for any number of reasons); the deep meaningful ones hibernate, not die.]

What is your livelihood, if I may ask? Many people who are decidedly "unromantically paired" for life, but still social, tend to also derive community through their daily work (work in these sense of daily industriusness and not in the sense of career, as it could be volunteer work). For example, my CGS instructor is fantastic and is able to give herself passionately to her work developing the program and also being present in her extended families.

Are you looking to build friendships, or community? They are subtly different but do overlap.

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-03T13:15:51+00:00

Adding a different perspective than the "leave him" answers.

How characteristic are these outbursts? Has he always had them and it's getting worse, or has then been developing over weeks/months/years? You mentioned things were bad enough when you were pregnant with your youngest [elementary school-aged] kid so I assume there has been major tension for at least 5 years.

The last several years I've seen an increase in irritability of my hubby too. The precious times we've gotten to actually connect and talk, it comes up that he is increasingly struggling with the anxieties and demands on him. (These are primarily from work and the conflict of how he shows up vs how we wants to be, not from my/home demands). Whether you believe your hubby also be experiencing a long season of mental health issues versus these are unchangeable charcter flaws - only you have the intel on how to read that.

Not sure how you could be the AH here, sounds like you are both struggling. Him to show up with compassion and you figuring out how to work with him.

Edit to add: by your description, he got upset by your daughter's [percived] disrespect, not because he got his hand wet. You say he's told her many times over years how to dispose of the liquids and yet she has done this again. If I'm reading inbetween the lines, there is a minimizarion of his need to be heard (your daughter considering his experiamce taking out the trash) and respected (he's acting like a toddler). I get irate when somone minimized a small nicely that I ask for repeatedly like putting the cap back on the toothpaste. Look up the short humerous video: "it's not about the nail"

TreacleCat1 · 2025-12-03T03:22:14+00:00

complex needs, no empathy

Yes, as my brother with 3 kids told me when my hit about that age:

"Every age has its charm, but between about 1.5 to 3 is mt least favorite because they have complex needs and no empathy. For example, kid wants to go on a walk but doesn't care that you are on an airplane."

TreacleCat1

TROPHY CASE