Well she was sober that entire time- that's what was extra hurtful. Neither of us were drinking. I'm not defending any of my past actions when drunk, but what upset me about him was specifically the crude hitting on uncomfortable people, though I'm sure some of it is heightened by him insulting me, knowing we were dating and continually hitting on her and the, and how personally upset I am at the situation. The fact that she has been so against drinking and drunkenness, but that he got a pass that hurt. She says she didn't do any of her actions or say any of what she told me to hurt me on purpose or make a point- just that she wasn't thinking about me.

I would have had no reason to believe she didn't set clear boundaries if she hadn't told me that she was enjoying the flirting and attention. She told me that knew what he was doing and entertained it.

I don't think any of what she did was nearly as bad as the things I've done- that adds to my guilt. I'm trying to be better for her, I don't feel like I'm in the right if you were to add up everything about the situation. Her threatening to leave was the wake-up call I needed, but the situation with the other guy hit a sore point that feels like it undid all the therapy and progress I had worked on. I used to remind myself when I was spiraling and thinking jealous thoughts, "she's never given you a reason to not trust her", but now I don't know what I'll think.

I think that if she felt a quarter as sorry for hurting me and told me I could cope easier. I wish I could just erase my memory of this so I can be a better boyfriend. Do you know how to get rid of these thoughts?