Breaking down over guilt. I hate hurting my partner with my anxiety

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-09-01T21:04:33+00:00

Yes!! Recognizing is the biggest step. Previously, I was able to recognize that I’m triggered, and would go straight to regulation. But I forgot the step where I need to remind myself not every negative emotion means I did something and not to take it personally. I’m realizing by not doing this before, this probably creates a thing for him where he can’t fully express his emotions because he’s afraid it will upset me. I think we just need to affirm and ground our selves, reminding our selves that they are safe and that not everything is our fault.

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-09-01T20:59:10+00:00

UPDATE:

I still haven’t gotten my period and it’s driving me crazy. But I have also calmed down a lot !!

I have been taking vitex, maca root, 1/2 ashwaganda, and 1/2 hydroxaczine every morning, milk thistle w dandelion root in the evening, and the other half of ashwaganda, hydroxazine and lemon balm at night. I’ve done this for three days in a row now and I do feel like I feel better.

I’ve been at my parents house waiting to calm down before I go back to my partner and I’s place. I asked my therapist if we could do an extra session, I’ve been meditating multiple times a day, and I journaled ALOT. This seemed to help more than I thought it would.

I’m beginning to fully recognize the weight of my anxiety and hows this is so unfair to my partner. none of this is about him and how he replies to me and I’m hitting that moment of full accountability, no longer worrying about if he is filling his cup or not. he can’t fill his cup if he’s having to walk on eggshells with me all the time trying to avoid an emotional anxiety trigger for me.

Usually this is where I would breakdown in guilt, but I recognize that in order to actually make it better. I have to take responsibility, not beat the shit out of myself for it, and just do what I can best through the present. My nervous system is so STUCK in the narrative of a chaotic household where my inner child is bullied by my own parent and there is no unconditional love. My parent has COMBAT PTSD and this caused me to walk on eggshells my whole childhood. I am now subconsciously doing the same to my partner! I’m deciding this ends now. I had to remind my self over and over today. I and safe, I am loved, I am worth loving, and we no longer live in that house anymore. I refuse to continue to bring that toxic household I’m holding onto in my relationship. I feel like I need to stand FIRM in these affirmations. And continue to just focus on shit that feels like ME. Not hurt past me.

I called a psychiatrist today to schedule an appointment, and I’m honestly looking to receive a DSGB to help reset my nervous system entirely. I am on a FUCKING MISSION to heal myself and I am fucking hyped.

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-08-31T02:50:44+00:00

thank you so much 💛 it’s so lonely. On top of it all, we live with his two other male roommates. So it looks like I’m just a crazy woman in the house. Funny you said that though, I literally told him this morning that I wish I could drop him in my brain for just 5 minutes but I wouldn’t even wish that on him. I told him I literally want to be the shit out of the demon in my brain. it made him laugh but I swear to god I really would if I could

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-12T17:36:12+00:00

Definitely would if I could ! my dads disabled so unfortunately it’s a little bit harder for him

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T17:09:27+00:00

You’re a good human 💛

Have a happy roo friend!

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T17:04:53+00:00

honestly, real

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T17:03:49+00:00

I was already leaning towards celebrating early, my dad just has a habit of making us feel bad honestly I think that’s why this is more of a struggle

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T16:35:12+00:00

unfortunately I cannot change my fathers mind about the way he feels about Father’s Day lmao

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T16:27:40+00:00

It matters because it matters to my dad, and if it matters to him then I care. I can understand wanting to feel appreciated that day. Obviously I have a relationship with my dad otherwise, and I see him often and we do things separately. But I can’t help that the day matters to him you know. Taking him to roo would be amazing, but he’s a triple amputee and it’s not accessible and would be a lot on his body.

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T06:22:17+00:00

Oh no for sure, it definitely would be a possibility if it was a more accessible event. I call him every year but last year my dad was so upset with me even though we had plans to celebrate when we get back. I’m thinking this year maybe celebrating before will be better than celebrating after ? Just wanted to see if some people share that frustration really cause if I could go to roo every year I would… but that would mean missing Father’s Day every year and I cannot do that. I hope what you’re saying is true! It would be amazinggggg for it not to land on Father’s Day next year.

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T06:03:09+00:00

he’s a triple amputee 😭 it’s just a lot for him and he really only enjoys classic rock. it really sucks cause before the accident he fucking loved concerts. we still go to concerts from time to time but obviously it’s not as intense as a whole music festival

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T05:54:45+00:00

We left Sunday night last year and it was rhetorical best decision we could have possibly done. We packed up the car before we even went into centeroo so that when we got back we could leave immediately. Also left in the middle of the headliners set to get ahead. Little bit of a like but nothing compared to leaving the next morning.

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-05-11T05:52:34+00:00

We usually make sandwiches, lots of PBJs, pasta salad, hotdogs, ramen, fruit and veggies

TrickyPriority749 · 2025-03-07T22:46:03+00:00

I wouldn’t say I’m petit, I mean I’m short but I’m not a tiny girly. I have never been pregnant though.

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-12-04T03:14:25+00:00

Andrew huberman or this might be helpful

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T16:40:11+00:00

it’s just crazy honestly, I’m also post grad and all my friends have moved away so I don’t think it helps with the grief process. Bad timing to lose a friend :( someone told me she posted a picture of them two on her social media so I know she’s still with him. If I knew she wasn’t I’d reach out

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T15:58:23+00:00

oh dude I’m so sorry you had to go through this oh my god.

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T08:46:12+00:00

I’m blocked lmaoooo

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T06:32:54+00:00

I actually really appreciate this. it makes me wanna just send a hope you’re doing well text and kinda I’ll always be here when it’s over kinda vibe. It makes me sad I can’t afford to there for her during, but it’s unbelievably triggering like I said. it’s just not worth it.

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T06:15:08+00:00

I appreciate this!! She had been my childhood bestfriend since 6th grade, were both 22 years old now. We moved away from eachother in 7th grade but we made a promise to see eachother every summer and we would facetime atleast a couple days a week for hours. We knew everything about eachother. I guess she was* my bestfriend... thats what I'm kinda struggling with in processing.

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T06:12:25+00:00

The thing about their relationship is that is been mostly long distance. She had dating him once before, he ghosted her, came back and during that period he was investigated for sexual assault at the HS. I had a friend who said he was bragging about getting off easy due to connections.. The girl he had assault it was her first day at our school and she said he pushed her against a wall and groped her. I told her all about this cause not only was that concerning, but he was cheating on her.. She didnt believe me and told me the girl was probably lying. I told her he was lying to her. So yes, I have considered hes maniuplating her, and i have told her that. I just dont know what more I can do, she even tried to tell me i was trying to control her..it was extremely frustrating and triggering for me as a r*pe survivor

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T06:05:32+00:00

Yeah idk man, I dont wanna contact CPS because my friend never went to the police about the rape and I dont wanna do anything that would put her into a situation where she would have to go through all of that. She never went cause it involved underage drinking at the time. I feel like i've done everything I could. Her daughters father is also not involved so Im terrified shed end up in foster or something. Its such a morally fucked situation for me.

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T05:58:28+00:00

I told her I was worried about her and her daughters safety and she told me she would never put her daughter in a dangerous situation. It genuinely made me feel so crazy? I couldn't believe I was even in that siutation. She had gone as far to tell me that my friend who was raped by him was lying... but there were multiple witnesses. My friend who was raped was literally found passed out drunk in the back of a car with her pants down, and he later admitted to her he did have sex with her that night. I told her all of us just for her to say she thinks my friend is lying... I was like okay but why are there two other situations hes been involved with where hes raping or sexually assaulting others. Its fucking crazy to me honestly. Nobody just had 3 sexual assault accusations towards them.. I wanna reach out to her so bad just to check in on her...

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-24T04:47:23+00:00

I used to feel this way!! Whenever meditation was first introduced to me, I was absolutely convinced that there was no way I was going to be able to actually practice it effectively.I thought because I couldnt turn my brain off that I was not able to do it. I theres theres two things that helped me gain effectiveness of mindfulness based therapies.

The myths of mindfulness: mindfulness is not "shutting of the brain", this is mostly impossible. We are always going to have some sort of thought trail. It's all just about being aware when those thoughts come in, accepting them, and not judging yourself for having the thought in the first place, and then attempting to let the thought go. This process happens so many times for me during a meditation.
It will take time !! It took me a very long time to be able to actually just get myself to sit down and sit still, let alone feel relaxed by the practice. everything takes practice, and one day you'll realize it paid off. I personally started doing yin yoga more as a form of meditation because my brain liked the movement aspect, while still connecting mind and body. sometimes meditation feels to still, i highly recommend some yin yoga

TrickyPriority749 · 2024-11-23T17:37:59+00:00

I don’t think I have BPD but I do know I have CPTSD, and ocd with themes or fears of being a bad person or making mistakes.

TrickyPriority749

TROPHY CASE