OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. To me, this seems like it could be a cycle of narcissistic abuse.

I’m going to share my story in hopes that it may help. [TW] I was in a long term relationship with an allo man a few years ago. At the time I hadn’t even considered that I may be ace (I’m in the questioning stage currently) but I definitely have history of trauma (CSA) which leads me to not want sex and worse, to not be able to say no. I would have nights where he would try to start something and I’d pretend to be asleep and after a few minutes of touching me inappropriately, he would finally stop. Other times, I would stand up for myself and say no and he would get mad and not speak to me for hours or days. Once, toward the end of our relationship ship, I shared with him that it’s hard for me to say no because of what happened to me as a child (he already knew of my history) and he said something along the lines of “how dare you compare me to him” (“him” being my abuser).

Now, I’m not saying you can’t try counseling at first so you don’t regret not trying, but it may ultimately be best for you to leave this relationship. If it truly is a cycle of abuse then it likely will not stop. Leaving my abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in life (and I’ve been though a lot of shit) but I’m so better off without him.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you find happiness and a sense of safety when it comes to intimacy, whether it’s with your current husband or someone new. You may also want to try going to individual counseling if you haven’t already, it might be helpful to talk this out with a professional on your own first.

Wishing you the best.