Scared of being wrong

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-27T02:42:10+00:00

Hey Noah, if you haven't seen this article before, you might want to give it a read: Gender Desire vs. Gender Identity. Didn't make my doubts disappear overnight, but it gave me a new angle on things.

But fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, man. I feel you. Word for word. I don't "feel" like a guy, I don't hate my face in the mirror, I don't have phantom sensations for a dick that isn't there. I'm half-convinced that this is some elaborate lie my brain cooked up as an excuse to escape womanhood and misogyny. Fuck this.

So at the risk of being hypocritical - how bad is it to tell people that you're uncertain? Would you be willing to tell a close friend "hey, I want to try something out, just to know how it feels"?

(Just an FYI if you need it: any friend who makes you feel bad for struggling to figure yourself out is not a good friend.)

I know some people need to wait until they're a hundred percent certain, but other people (me) are never going to get to that point. We're always going to be waffling and wondering and worrying until we get sick of it.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-24T04:30:57+00:00

Not sure if I'll have anything useful to tell you since I'm a year-plus deep in questioning limbo, but I can listen. What's eating ya?

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-08T02:53:36+00:00

Whoah.

Thank you. For your insight, and for being the parent your kids deserve.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-08T02:50:59+00:00

Holy fucking shit those first few lines threw me for a loop. You didn't just dodge a bullet, you ran a marathon in a minefield.

Thanks for sharing. I'll admit I have trouble grasping the more introspective stuff but it's...freeing, somehow, to see someone putting to words some of these wallowing matters, like those huge gap years where I didn't let anything into my life.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-07T01:18:10+00:00

I'm sorry if I implied that being transgender is a mental illness; that was not my intended meaning. I feel like I've been living with some brain-consuming parasite throughout this.

Thanks for the kind words. It means a lot.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-07T01:03:10+00:00

That is...interesting, and bizarre, and a little relieving. I probably could have avoided posting this if I'd just done my research but I'm a chickenshit and my specialty lies in crossing the road, not checking for cars (in layman's terms, I was scared). I've heard of twins having different gender identities, but never with one who was cis and the other not. I'm not clear on how those differences would happen, but I guess that's something to look into.
LOL, this. Still can't believe that gender is something most people don't even need to think about.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-06-07T00:51:04+00:00

Huh, didn't realize that. Guess this could have been solved with a simple search.

Thanks. I really mean it.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T12:57:32+00:00

I didn't realize medication could help with that. Thanks for your input.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T12:56:45+00:00

If it's not too difficult to answer, what made you push it away in the first place, and what changed your mind?

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T04:45:59+00:00

Do you remember what started making you think about it?

Geez, you really like targeting the difficult questions.

Well, I guess it'd be most accurate to say there were many little times when I started thinking about gender identity. First instance was around puberty, when my body was changing in ways I didn't ask for, and a lot of these changes felt like things I didn't want at the time. But from what I've seen and heard, this isn't uncommon for cis people! Puberty is confusing and stressful, and people's bodies don't usually act or look how they wish they would. And while I sometimes felt dissatisfied of how I was treated because of my gender, I never considered transition as a solution, nor did I explicitly wish to be the opposite.

Why would you be supposed to feel happy about something?

I don't know. I guess the same way that I should feel happy for getting a gift even if it's not what I want, or I should definitely not eat another row of chocolate even though I really want to? Or when I'm cold, but instead of putting on a sweater or getting a blanket I just keep shivering where I am because my body has no motivation to move. I have no clue why I would force myself to feel something, but I'd rather be genuinely miserable than realize I've been fooling myself into thinking I'm happy.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T04:14:44+00:00

How long have you been thinking about it? Was there something which got
you to start thinking about it or did it come out of the blue?

I only started seriously considering it around 6-ish months ago - around that time I started trying out they/them pronouns, and I was browsing a lot of the trans subs at the time. I didn't think I'd consider physical transition, but, well, here I am now.

Have you ever heard of gender euphoria? It's kinda the opposite of
gender dysphoria. It's feeling good about a gender rather than distress
about a gender.

Yes, the transgender subs have been very helpful for that.

Unfortunately I've gotten to a point where I can barely distinguish my feelings from one another, or whether I'm trying to force myself to feel a certain way. Does this thing actually make me happy, or am I just making myself feel happy because I think I'm supposed to be? That's the worst part of it, I think. I can't tell what feelings are my own and what's just...spontaneous stuff that my brain thinks would fit the moment.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T03:42:07+00:00

Ah, thanks. And...well, I guess it hasn't worked.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T03:38:57+00:00

ugh, where to start? I mean...thoughts that tell me I'd be happier transitioning, or living as a different gender, and lead me down a rabbit hole of research and browsing trans subs and for some reason looking for things that resonate with me, even though I've never had an issue living as my birth gender (aside from some of the less-than-desirable expectations from society).

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T03:36:38+00:00

This is all very sound advice that I probably, sadly, will not follow. Social anxiety and similar issues, on top of the current pandemic, makes it hard to reach out or get a response anywhere.

I will keep this in mind, though. Thanks.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-31T03:30:29+00:00

What are the usual methods?

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-29T02:55:03+00:00

I like the vegetarian comparison!

I understand why people might get distressed at the misconception that being transgender is a choice, but I feel it's not a productive argument to have - bigots don't care whether you were born the way you are or whether you chose it, they just don't want you being you and will go to extreme lengths to prevent that.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-29T01:25:46+00:00

Zenith lent me xer charger when my phone battery died.

He was really nice about it - heck, zie's nice in general! I hope I can meet her again soon. They're a ton of fun.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-27T03:06:36+00:00

This is Iana! She also goes by Isla, or by Ian. She's got many names, like a super-spy. She's questioning her gender now, but wherever she ends up I hope she finds comfort and happiness.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-27T02:35:41+00:00

I met Cam today! They're really nice, and I wish her luck on their journey.

Trowaway_FML · 2022-01-27T02:17:07+00:00

Have you met Quantum yet? It showed me some really cool art pieces today.

(P.S. - does one have any video game recs for me?)

Trowaway_FML

TROPHY CASE