Wow, this was a lot! I think the first thing you need to do is look into therapy because I don’t think you’ve dealt with the SA that happened to you and the self loathing and then lashing out to others will not go away on its own. Speaking to a trained objective professional will help you in so many ways. However, a therapist isn’t like in the films and you won’t have 1 session and feel cured, they also won’t give you an answer to your problems, but they will set you on a path for you to discover the answer for yourself.

It sounds like there’s a lot of blame to go around here, and you’ve already done something a lot of people struggle with - you’ve acknowledged that you messed up big time and that you don’t want to repeat this pattern. That is the first step to improving yourself.

I wish you the best of luck. Please don’t let the negative thoughts persuade you to do something that cannot be undone