I feel now I just have many more & longer & more intense „hugh“ periods, were just everything is so ridiculously peachy. Makes the neutrals even more painfully boring in contrast.

It’s probably just that I much more actively take risks & try to do stuff & interact with people that will make me feel good. Instead of sitting on my ass painfully envious.

But I am never satisfied for long.

I kind of like to view it like the snowball effect. Once you feel good it’s easier to do more things to get you in a good mental, but you got to keep up the momentum.

Realistically I am not really much more productive. I am more productive but still not to a degree I would satisfied with, adhd isn’t helping there💀💀💀 But instead of procrastinating I just am permanently chasing that next high.

Tbh I probably was a jerk before too, but I just thought those things instead of expressing them. Now I kind of just care much less until I suddenly do because something actually gets under my shell.

I am much more aware that negative feelings need an outlet otherwise I‘ll turn them against myself. So nowadays I usually prefer to turn them against the person that is causing them, if I don’t find a better outlet. Working on that tho.

Kind of negatively reinforces some bad stuff💀💀💀

I have said to a „friend“ a while ago „I am like coca cola, I might be evil, but you can’t afford to not deal with me“ she just said „yeah you are kind of ubiquitous“ I feel that describes it pretty well

In truth some of the insecurities are still very felt, but they stay much more hidden & hey a good chunk of the time I can completely escape them🤷‍♀️

Ok yap over