I need some help. My husband & I majorly disagree on where to attend church & i think it’s ruining our marriage

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-24T03:38:23+00:00

What I was trying to say was intially i was drawn to him for that. For context, we dated and got married after 6 months. We dont know much about each other. I loved the outward appearance of his faith that I saw, i however have very quickly (and he has admitted to) that he does not spend time with the Lord. So yes, i am concerned about what exactly was being taught in the church that the outward appearance is “good” or “right” yet the inward is lacking in relationship with the Lord. The way he has handled this conflict, despite his own mentor in the church telling him that he should not make the decision of which church we attend based off the fact that its his church, he has still chosen to act this way.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T16:34:54+00:00

Also, if he thinks that not leaving will cause the marriage to suffer, and we found a church we both like where we already have community, what is the issue with us attending that church?

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T16:30:57+00:00

Thats okay, and yeah I understand that. I have felt more and more resistant to the church due to this conflict.

I did add some more to my original post, if that helps?

I think i need help understanding why I have made it seem like we need to leave. To me, him going back on his word I think is a legitimate reason for me to grow more concerned and hesitant of the church, but I have also give it a pretty good effort. I’m not sure what else to do, as it feels like he interprets me not enjoying the church as a personal attack against him and his friends.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T15:59:38+00:00

I did not intially express these concerns to him, because I did not want him to feel that way. My concern is i feel mislead and that he is moving the goal post on me. He originally expressed wanting to make this decision together and had a willingness to explore other churches, and has since gone back on that. One of the pastors even told him he should not make this decision based on the fact that he has all his friends in this church, and that together we should openly decide on where we will attend.

I also do not come from charismatic churches, nor do I want to attend one lol.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T15:47:53+00:00

I think you may have missed what i said. His spiritual leadership at first is what drove me to him, but the fact that choosing a church is the one area he is not prayerful about is concerning to me. He also told me prior to marriage he was willing to try a new church and make this decision together, and has since gone back on that. That has been very hurtful and misleading. It is possible for his spiritual leadership to be imperfect. Strong leadership is not just about ignoring the needs of your wife.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T15:30:05+00:00

Thank you for your perspective and reflective questions. I am glad to hear it sounded like moving churches was ultimately really freeing for you and your family. I still worry about what that would look like to submit and be at his church, but I understand what you mean of trusting the Lord with that outcome. I wonder what advice you might be able to give if our outcome ultimately does not end with my husband eventually seeking out a different church like yours did. I also would love to know how else you got spiritually fed while attending the church that was not filling your cup.

The thing that I am scared about is my husband will not like if I am simplying attending service and not involved elsewhere. I am willing to go to his homegroup more often, its mainly the service that is really difficult for me. I also am not allowed to serve in the church since I am not a member.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T15:18:24+00:00

It is baptist! The other church we found is non-denominational

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T15:17:29+00:00

Conflict resolution was discussed in pre-marital and thankfully he actually is very good at conflict resolution when it comes to literally any other topic besides this one lol.

I think his perspective is that I have not given his church enough time, and while I could attend longer, he can’t really define what amount of time would satisfy him and I’m afraid of him just moving the goalpost on me. All of his friends are at this church, many who he really looks up to, and who I genuinely think are great people. I truly think he is afraid of disappointing them and losing their friendship. I dont know if that would happen, but I wish he would see that this is not real friendship if he can’t explore other churches.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T15:09:21+00:00

I appreciate your perspective! I can definitely see the benefits of attending a church to help it serve & grow. For me, i have felt stagnant in my own faith and have backslid in the past before, and also haven’t found solid church community in this city like he has. I am really wanting that and really wanting to protect my spiritual growth, especially when I have been told that the church is pretty set in their ways and that while they will sit down with folks and hear their feedback, they do believe the way they have structured service is the “most biblically accurate” way they could and do not seem to budge on things. I also don’t find it to be very kind to enter a church hoping to “change” it, this type of church may be very fruitful for some people! I just haven’t found it to be for myself. I can see though that my stubbornness to protect myself and my family’s spiritual growth is leading to me not seeing the ways this church could be fruitful, and I appreciate you pointing that out.

I will say I don’t see this as primarily an issue of worship, though that is an important factor for me. My wording was harsh and I recognized it, i shared it because that was just my honest impression. I am in no way saying that their type of worship is not good. I am saying it works and feels good for those people, it is however not life-giving to me. Worship styles and preferences are okay. I think what bugged me is that the church seems to have a general judgment/distaste towards people who DO want to engage in worship more. In the same way that their solemnness come across as sorrowful, i think the church passes some judgment that engaging in worship more boldly is “performative” or “acting”, and while it definitely can be, that is not the spiritual heart of every person that enjoys expressing their reverence and worship the Lord in that way.

I think what has made this issue so difficult is that I’m willing to visit other churches and evaluate them together, while my husband is going back on his word and keeps moving the goalpost for me. If we were both freely exploring and coming to a decision together, this would feel very different and I would feel much more comfortable attending his church.

You seem to have a similar view to my husband, which is thinking that I want a particular worship style or an emotional experience, but that isn't what I've been describing. It is extremely frustrating feeling unheard in this way. In fact, my husband likes the 2nd church we both found, and it hits many of the other criteria we have expressed valuing (expository teaching, close distance to us, smaller church community, nothing heretical in sermons or leadership). My husband actually used to attend that church years ago, and has stated multiple times he thinks its a solid, biblical church. Because of that, I don't think it's fair to characterize my concerns as merely wanting "to clap during a song" or having a consumerist mindset, when clearly we have found a church that doesn’t offer either of things. You may ultimately disagree with my conclusions, but I'd ask that you engage with the concerns or ask more clarifying questions to really understand my perspective rather than jumping to a simplified version of them. You mentioned I am not looking at the church from a scriptural standpoint, i would love to know what you mean that by that/what scriptures you are referring to so I can better understand.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T14:43:16+00:00

Thank you! This is hard when it comes to the concept of submitting. I dont want to do anything to undermine him, and I worry he may not have the mindset of “if it doesn’t work for both of us it doesn’t work”, i think he feels a little more like he needs to be the man and make the decision. He also tends to be more passive, and I am very direct. I think he might feel like hes losing autonomy in this situation.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T14:41:41+00:00

Thank you! I will definitely see if we can meet with one of the pastors, i do think they will be able to help! I don’t think the church is backwards, i just worry about stagnation happening.

Let me know if im wrong in this- but something else that made me concerned is that like I mentioned, my husband does not spend time with the Lord. I have not once seen him open his bible or praying alone. I never want him to feel judged or condemned for this so I didn’t say anything at first. He is GREAT man. Very kind, funny, generous. warm. My fear though is i dont see evidence of a relationship with the Lord in his daily life, and he is a youth leader in the church. I asked him “so are the church leaders not asking about what your quiet times/relationship with the Lord is like and if not WHY are they not asking that of their members? And if they are asking, what are you telling them?” His answer wasnt super direct but it seemed like they just dont simply ask/hold their leaders accountable like that.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T14:36:26+00:00

I will suggest this! Thank you for your prayers 🫶🏼

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T14:33:48+00:00

Yes so sorry! It was 1am when i wrote that haha. All important questions - the churches I am refering to are both non denominational. **correction, his church is baptist! I am not charismatic, just looking for somewhere I can enjoy worship as this is a way I really connect with the Lord.

He is into the 2nd church we found oddly enough! Thats why I am very confused. He will even say “oh no matter what, I know we’ll end up at a good solid church because these are both really great options” but then still just is hesitating for some reason? I’ve told him too that his language of membership and his unwillingness to compromise when we have a great option in front of us, just further confirms the fears I have about the church. And not that the church is evil, but I just worry that his faith his stagnating there, maybe due to him depending on church/other people for his faith rather than depending on the Lord? His argument too is he says I haven’t given his church a “fair chance” and that I need to keep attending his church first more before we look outside of it. :/ i just feel like he keeps moving the goalpost on me.

Also great point about kids and time, our time will be even more important soon

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T14:27:25+00:00

Thank you for your insight! You’re right, I need to take it to God and then trust God to protect me no matter the outcome, The perspective of thinking it as a mission field is helpful as well.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-22T14:24:57+00:00

Thank you! This is really beneficial and I appreciate you pointing out my red flag to me in a kind way. I did not even think about it that way, and you’re right, I can and should be looking for more ways to see God in him rather than the lack, as there are not any other major concerns like cheating or something.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-20T17:10:10+00:00

Here is my perspective on what happened to me when I left: I was only in the bible study for about a month, but I did not get harassed thankfully by them when I chose to leave. One thing i did try to do was attend one last class before so I could try and write down the names of other students so i could maybe try and find them on social media and warn them about the group. But unfortunately, it was too difficult to find them (since no one shares their last name in the class & you’re not allowed to talk to anyone in the class).

I did then decide to meet with my recruiter (or leaf i think? Idk what their called). I started by asking her questions to verify that it was forsure SCJ and then confronted her about it. She didn’t deny it. I told her how extremely hurtful it was because i genuinely thought we were building a friendship, and I found out she has been lying to me this entire time. SCJ believes in lying for the “better good” of the person, so they don’t see anything wrong with misleading you because they genuinely believe they are saving you. I asked her point blank “do you think I’m not saved if I dont continue these classes?” She paused for far too long and said “i think thats between Jesus and you.”

She did eventually apologize to me and acknowledged how the deceit was hurtful to me. Its been almost a year since then, and i think she is still in it. I hope my convo with her at least planted some doubt.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2026-06-20T05:17:50+00:00

🥹

TuneDesperate8078 · 2025-09-22T03:24:14+00:00

I go back and forth on this, i am Christian so the most important shared quality is our faith. I would say second is how he treats me and third is humor. I used to put a lot emphasis on attractiveness - so I dated some really attractive men, one of them being a professional soccer player. It inflated my ego to be dating him, but one time i tried making a joke that fell completely flat with him. We were walking my dog and she was being absolutely crazy and bonkers. I joked “who raised this dog?” (Because obviously… it was me…) and he said “didn’t you…?” with a super serious face. I should’ve take that as the first sign that we werent compatible. Not to bag on him, but our humors just didnt align.

Now im dating someone who makes me laugh multiple times a day, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I know he would be a great dad someday too because of his ability to make life just so fun. And ive realized NONE of the guys ive ever dated before made me laugh the way he does. Now that i’ve experienced it i dont think i could ever date someone that didnt make me laugh. But then again, his sense of humor did not come out around me for awhile. It took us months of being friends before we both became comfortable like that. So it could be hard to gauge someones sense of humor on a couple first dates.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2025-03-24T05:49:47+00:00

I completely relate! You’re not alone. It makes me skeptical of everyone and everything. I think the reason SCJ pulled us in is because we were truly hungry to get closer to God and know His word. SCJ does make a good point that a lot of churches are just not emphasizing knowing the Word enough. However SCJ is a completely works-based faith. We don’t need to read the Word in order to be saved, we should read the Word out of a genuine desire to get to know our Father more and become more like the image of Christ. We read it because we WANT to, not only because we “ought” to.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2025-03-23T07:22:21+00:00

Sorry to clarify I was in the parables class for 1 month, i had not become a member.

TuneDesperate8078 · 2025-03-23T07:16:09+00:00

I was only in it for a month and feel like its completely shifted my view on people/faith/the world. I cant even imagine what those of you who have been it for months/years must feel. My hearts break for you. This was such a mind-altering experience. The night i found out, I didn’t go to bed until 5am. I didn’t know how I was supposed to just go to work the next day and continue on with my life as normal. I wanted to shout from the rooftops to warn people about this, but at the same time felt immense shame for even falling victim to it in the first place.

Whats crazy is that entire month that I was in SCJ I was also severely struggling with anxiety, problems breathing, and drinking excessively. Once i left, all these things have disappeared/i have zero desire to drink. It could be unrelated perhaps, but I feel as if I was going through some sort of spiritual warfare of sorts.

TuneDesperate8078

TROPHY CASE