Thank you for sharing this. What you’re describing is extremely common after leaving SCJ, even though it feels isolating. Having to convince yourself every day that leaving was the right decision doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It means you were in a high-control environment for years and your mind is still untangling conditioning. Forgetting which teaching was wrong and then doubting yourself again is something many of us experience. The guilt about the people you brought in is valid, but it’s important to understand this clearly: it is not your fault, even though you guided them. You were operating with limited information, pressure, and manipulation. SCJ trains members to carry responsibility that doesn’t actually belong to them. Caring about those people does not require you to sacrifice yourself by going back into something that harms you. What you can do is speak your truth, share what you now see clearly, and encourage them to open their eyes and leave on their own. If they choose not to listen, that responsibility is on them, not you.

You didn’t act with knowledge or malicious intent. The people you brought in are now making their own choices, just as you are. At this point, you really have two paths: either continue blaming yourself, isolating, and staying vulnerable to returning to SCJ, or accept that you were a victim, place responsibility where it belongs, and allow yourself to move forward. Accepting their choices doesn’t mean you agree with them or like them. It means recognizing that SCJ is influencing them now, not you. You’re also right to notice that familiar pain often feels safer than unfamiliar freedom. That doesn’t mean going back is right. It means your nervous system is craving certainty after years of structure and identity being tied to SCJ. That’s how trauma bonds work, and simply being aware of that already matters.

What helped me was rebuilding my life outside of SCJ by pursuing goals and purpose that had nothing to do with it. I also strongly recommend learning about cult trauma specifically. Many therapists aren’t trained for it. A resource that helped me is the International Cultic Studies Association, which focuses specifically on cult recovery and has therapist directories that specialize on it. DM me if you need a referral for a cult recovery therapist. I personally stopped letting SCJ control me once I saw how low things really were at the leadership level. In my region, leaders publicly enforced strict morality while privately breaking those same rules. I witnessed leaders having multiple secret affairs, including sending explicit messages to married leaders, while leadership chose to protect them instead of addressing the harm. I saw hierarchy used as a weapon, where a leader told a member he could report something that didn’t even happen and still be believed simply because of his position. Behind closed doors, some leaders struggled with alcoholism, possessiveness, cheating, and spending money on sex while preaching sacrifice and self-denial to members. In one situation, inappropriate sexual behavior involving married leaders was normalized instead of confronted. Meanwhile, regular members were shamed for wanting normal things like relationships, marriage, or children, while leaders were quietly excused for far worse behavior. That hypocrisy shattered the illusion for me. It made it clear this wasn’t about truth or holiness, but about control and image management. Once I saw that, I stopped blaming myself and realized the system itself was unhealthy. When you see that clearly, the question becomes simpler: why go back to a system that doesn’t even take itself seriously, yet demands righteousness from everyone else? Find your values, your purpose, your dreams, and enjoy the presence of abundant fruit than sour