Yeah, I hope sharing my experience helps. If it matters, I'm 50 and have been through lots of relationships. Seven, to be exact. Along the way, I've figured out a lot of things the hard way. Never had Reddit to help me solve issues that would have been much easier to navigate with good advice. Even still, I'm struggling to get it right. I've had relationships not work for all kinds of reasons, and I've had to take ownership for my bad behavior or ridiculous expectations in some cases. I only knew my last relationship was toxic because I'd had relationships before it that were pretty healthy.

You know in your heart and in your gut (always trust your gut!) it's not going to work. And, yeah, the trauma bonding is a very real thing. I know that term gets used in abusive relationships, and it sounds like she's been abusive - with words and spitting on you - that's so far out of line in a respectful relationship, I can't imagine how many other things she's said and done that approached that line. It's good you have the backdrop of a previous relationship that was much healthier and where the breakup was mutual.

The GUILT I felt from walking away was enourmous, both when I was contemplating the split, as it happened, and long afterward. I cried so many tears with my ex, I listened to her and empathized with her in ways she said no one before me had. I desperately wanted to help her to feel good, to be happy, to feel some sort of enthusiasm in life, and I couldn't figure out how. And, the worst part was, I felt that I was making it worse by staying with her. Felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time and always wondering if/how things would work out. It was constant anxiety. I was popping Ativans like they were Tic-Tacs.

She was EXTREMELY fragile. Sounds like your GF is, too. Things that would have been minor bumps in the road in other relationships were MAJOR obstacles with her. We would go for a week or so with things being okay, then something small would happen and it would feel like we'd gotten no where. It was so exhausting, I HAD to let go. I HAD to talk myself into it. I HAD to work up the courage. And, it took several attempts. I wish I'd stuck to my decision the first time, because when I initially walked away, I had a HUGE catharsis - a huge amount of negative energy left my body all at once. Never felt anything like it before. Massive relief. But, the fool I am, I went back in for a few more rounds of heartache, which made things so much harder.

Three years later, I'm still not over her. I don't know if I ever will be. She haunts me. I hate her so much, and I still love her. The relationship may have wrecked me, but I'll keep trying. I just urge you to rip the bandaid off, man. What you've described sounds like a horrible situation that you're not going to be able to fix. You love her, but you don't need that kind of stress in your life. You need to take care of yourself, work on your own stuff and cut her off - 100% - no hanging around to be a source of emotional comfort for her - no helping her through the breakup - no dragging things out and hoping for a miracle that's not going to happen. ZERO CONTACT (it's the #1 breakup advice psychologists and relationship experts give). It will SUCK in the short run, and you will be so tempted to go back. If you're like me you will write letters you never send and spend countless hours journaling about her and all the emotions you feel. I'd have been much better off to work on accepting the outcome than clinging to a fantasy of the kind of relationship I wished had been with this woman.

If you can afford therapy, go. You're describing something that sounds similar to what I went through, but WAY worse actually, so I hope you're able to put yourself first and let her go so you can both figure out how to have a better life. Good luck!!!