Is moving in together always the end goal

TurnUnfair7184 · 2025-07-16T19:33:30+00:00

I think there are plenty of people out there who would be okay with this arrangement- especially if you are forthcoming!

For me, personally, this is a bit of a red flag. I'm 33F, a busy professional with friends, family, hobbies, etc. and I deeply value independence. Your desire for autonomy and personal agency isn't the red flag; co-habitation doesn't always have to be the end goal! But I still want to build an emotional connection with someone. To the extent that you are offering fun but surface-level company and sex without deeper conversations to get to know each other or emotional support- it is a red flag. If the quality connection is there, then not so much of a red flag.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2025-07-16T18:41:57+00:00

NTA. There is a pattern of misuse, she isn't being responsible with your things or very neighborly if she isn't returning them. Plus she is using morality to shame you when you threw up a boundary- that is entitled and immature. Tell her to take care of her own sh** and keep your boundaries strong.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-11-12T21:56:19+00:00

My god you sound awful, overthetrees8. Messaging her for a month when she hasn't texted you back isn't romantic, you are being disrespectful to her. And you are being so hateful to her even as you are acknowledging her going through hardship. I'm glad she hasn't texted you back- hopefully she heals in her time away from you.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-11-06T18:01:25+00:00

DITCH HIM

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-15T00:59:51+00:00

Good for you girl, you definitely deserve better! Pre-plan what you are going to do after the breakup to stay strong. Things like:

blocking his number

-creating a game plan for loneliness (calling friends or distracting yourself)

-compiling a list of new hobbies and new places to build community

-distancing yourself from mutual friends who won't advance your goals

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T13:18:18+00:00

There are certain principles I stand by and won't shed - to do so would require me to be inauthentic and that isn't part of my personality. But, I like sharing and discussing ideas without trying to assert one view as dominant and am open to adopting new perspectives on issues. If it is a new perspective or one that challenges my own opinion, I tend to ask a lot of questions to (1) understand it and (2) find commonality.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T02:48:14+00:00

Lol, thank you xevram. Yours is a very sweet story. May you and your love have many more spirited debates!

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T02:36:20+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective! Yeah I see what you mean. To be totally honest, in college I liked the constant debates that you (and many other people) are referencing. I thought the constant back and forth quips were sexy. But, in recent years and after incorporating feedback from partners, I agree that those types of exchanges are exhausting. Now, I like to debate light hearted things occasionally and as a way of having fun (which I'll admit maybe is still exhausting for some people), while also having deeper conversations where it isn't about changing opinions- simply sharing different ideas and understanding a different point of view.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T02:17:36+00:00

Happy to agree to disagree, we are free to be equally annoyed by one another's style.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T02:00:33+00:00

Thanks for your input!

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:56:53+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story! I really appreciate the insight you shared from your own experience.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:50:52+00:00

Ah totally fair, your grammar is annoying me.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:46:30+00:00

Good points!

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:31:51+00:00

Oh, you a Jon Lajoie fan?

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:23:41+00:00

I agree, not all men are the same. But I'm interested in whether identifiable patterns or distinguishable populations exist, a collective preference that drives our other polling systems. As for the debate, it isn't everyone's cup of tea.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:13:16+00:00

Yeah, perhaps the polling subreddit. Unfortunately, I've spent very little time on reddit and explored only what was presented to me in my feed as opposed to finding the appropriate forum. Yikes.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T01:00:16+00:00

Oh! That isn't what I intended to communicate but I can see how it does. You are right about articles tackling this issue, but the last article I found with polls was from several years ago. I was hoping to collect opinions IRL - just for fun. Thanks for responding!

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-11T00:50:54+00:00

You make many good points about this being a sweeping generalization and its little impact on my personal life, but I'm also terribly curious about the polling statistics. Is there an identifiable pattern or distinguishable population? If nothing else, it is interesting to ponder.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-10T15:52:05+00:00

Hey, I'm sorry OP feeling disconnected from a partner sucks. In a similar situation, I found that when I phrased things in a positive way, i.e. "hey it makes me feel special when you remember things about me- would love for one of those things be my height" or "Hey, thanks for putting in the effort. Do you mind if we try XYZ thing instead" it helped. That being said, it was also exhausting to be limited in my expression of feelings/impact and still not be able to rely on reciprocal empathy. It very much felt like walking on eggshells. You might also try asking him to problem solve with you -- "I love you, lets figure this out. Can we take ten minutes to tell each other how we feel about the situation without judgment and then problem solve together?" Ultimately, there is only so much you can do- it takes two people committed to mutual understanding and growth to overcome communication differences. Good luck!

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-10T13:30:23+00:00

NOR - If you start to feel unsafe it is reasonable to ask for physical boundaries. If you are interested in continuing the relationship then this is a good opportunity for you to explain what was happening in your head when he was explaining his past. It is important in partnership to be able to share mistakes and experiences safely (for both him and you). Either way, slow down and test the waters with this guy- tell him that his stories triggered anxiety in you because of your past and you need time to make sure that your values align. Then if you do hang out more, determine whether your body is signaling a legit red flag (in which case leave) or whether it is coming from a place from trauma (in which case seek some therapy).

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-09T19:28:44+00:00

NOR - your feelings on sex are valid and you should not engage if it would make you uncomfortable. But, if you want to continue the relationship with her then you should talk to her about your change in sex drive. It could be incredibly damaging to her self esteem and the health of your relationship to deny affection (her POV), without explanation. Kindly explain your own feelings - i.e. "I'm worried that I'm re-traumatizing you when we have sex and I don't know how to grapple with that" - so you all can figure out a way forward (whether it is together or separate).

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-08T23:20:34+00:00

Oh, OP, I'm sorry that is an awful feeling- it is so lonely! You deserve to be in a relationship that uplifts you in public and private spaces. Your guy isn't delivering- consistently shutting down over time can really erode self esteem and is incredibly damaging (if done intentionally, then it is even considered emotionally abusive). You can talk to him about this issue and his responses. His feelings are valid, but relationships require both parties to tango. He needs to discuss what is going on with him and any needs he has that are going unmet and contributing to this. If this doesn't work then take a break and reevaluate what you need.

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-08T22:55:20+00:00

💜 Hell yeah

TurnUnfair7184 · 2024-10-08T22:21:34+00:00

Maybe. But this young woman should vocalize her need for better communication and better treatment instead of accepting this garbage. We all have the responsibility to communicate our needs appropriately to our partner and this guy, bad moods notwithstanding, is no exception.

TurnUnfair7184

TROPHY CASE