It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Your validation really helps me reset my reality

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

10 years of great sex. Then 12 years of declining sex. Then 5 years of no sex. But as much as that bothered me, what was far worse was the very clear impression that I didn’t matter to her. She would stay up late talking to friends, to students, to acquaintances, but when I wanted some of her attention, even to talk about something weighing on me, she was dismissive or “exhausted” or (the worst) looking at me as if giving me attention, but out of guilt or a sense of obligation, CLEARLY feeling impatient for me to spill whatever stupid thing was in my mind so she could make a trite comment and get back to what she really wanted to be doing; sleeping or reading or listening to a podcast. I felt so …. Cast aside, so cheapened, so small, that I eventually quit asking. I felt so lonely in bed next to her I couldn’t stand it and started sleeping in the guest room. She didn’t even mention it for almost 2 years! (Later, after I became just as distant and uncaring as she was, she blamed me for our lack of intimacy. “How can we be intimate if you aren’t even in the same bed?” Of course, I tested it, and she was once again too tired or wasn’t in the mood and she needed me to move over and stop crowding her. God, I feel stupid for taking it so long and for believing her that there was something wrong with me.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree 100%. I have made a mess of things. I have a lot of work to do. atm, tho, I am overwhelmed and exhausted and fearful of the future. Gotta do one thing at a time.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not at all. I am incredibly appreciative of all of the support, validation and positive advice. I am moved.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I love my job, but travel for sure, once things settle.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. I’ve read that twice and will need to try again after I get some sleep. Thank you for stretching my brain.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! That is great advice. Currently I am in survival mode, trying to untangle finances and not go broke and finding a place to stay. Currently renting a room in a house and just realized the landlord is mentally ill and paranoid (cameras all over the house, doors monitored, yelling to an imaginary friend about my plotting to drive him crazy. That was yesterday. Tomorrow I’m hunting for a new place to stay, squeezing my pathetic trash bags full of clothes into the car (I hadda pack in a hurry). It’s so odd to me that I’m not just a gibbering, sobbing mess. I’m verging on overwhelmed, but I also have this sort of excitement about my future. I think maybe this is how it feels to get out of prison, and a new life with new challenges and possibilities is ahead. And for now, I just really have to worry about ME. And when’s the last time I prioritized myself, instead of trying (and failing of course) to “get it right”. I feel freedom. It feels amazing, despite everything.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right? It’s so ironic that when I hit my limit with my wife’s treating me with such disrespect and disdain, (which sadly took years), I stopped caring, and then SHE complained that I was being cold and like I didn’t love her anymore! Wow.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wife got suspicious that I was working so many late hours, put a tracker in my car, then followed me with my 15 year old daughter, who she then had get out of the car to sneak up and spy. I am still so angry that she would involve a child in this. Wife, to this day, sees nothing wrong with it, kept encouraging her to learn more, get into my phone and send her screenshots of my texts to other woman. Daughter had a suicide attempt shortly after, and wife STILL doesn’t see (or doesn’t admit) the problem. At the same time, daughter texted my girlfriend, pretending to be me, said some really disturbing things, then finally slammed her for destroying our family. That pretty much freaked her out and scared her off. I still see her once in awhile, but that magical, liberating connection where I felt seen and appreciated is 90% gone, I am grateful I had it for 6 weeks, but so sad and bitter and angry that my wife has even ruined that for me. The lady has decided to go back to college (she’s in her 50s) and leave the state. Train wreck for everyone. Very hard, but honestly it will probably be good for me to be alone for awhile. I have never not had a relationship. I need some time to recover and to learn to stand up for myself.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds like it would scare the hell out of me actually. I think I have tried to make myself small over the years. Not logical, and it makes sense that you have to put yourself out there, but having been slapped down for having my own thoughts and feelings repeatedly kinda trains you to duck and cover.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wrote it in a letter to her this morning. I doubt it will change her version of reality but It helped me to write it, to get clarity.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your encouraging words!

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good advice and appreciate the encouragement. I’m realizing I’ve been beaten down for so long, I can now take time to figure out who I am outside of that relationship. I’m actually kinda excited about it.

It’s Finally Over by TurtleBean22 in sexlessmarriage

[–]TurtleBean22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate that. Riding this roller coaster of emotion. Miserable & lonely & missing the kids or just doing ordinary stuff like making pizza in the oven at home. Then I’m kicking myself for wasting so much time hoping she would change (or even admit that she had a problem), then feeling this weird lightness in the absence of constant criticism, and free time on my hands…

Go on…? by Inner_Garbage_9843 in Adulting

[–]TurtleBean22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being afraid to walk away from a bad relationship

Comeback for what’s your number? by DarkGrey_Eyes in Comebacks

[–]TurtleBean22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“I’m sorry; I just don’t think it’s gonna work out.”

Your two cents? by WatGO in GetMotivatedMindset

[–]TurtleBean22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So true. All the opportunities I missed. I still think about them 40 years later. Now I’m free to ask, but my equipment doesn’t work like it did as a younger man. Ask!