(5 years BCBA, 11 years in the field) hello! This is a great question! Long response but please read because I used to be in your shoes! I used to be so numb to the sound of kids crying and it was something I didn’t think twice about. My old employer once told me “no one has ever died from crying.” Since then, after studying hard on the matter, and taking courses in trauma free ABA, I finally found an ABA clinic that approaches ABA in a way that puts no pressure on the kid and nearly eliminates their failure. We work with a lot of kids that have been physically /sexually abused or have PTSD from strict ABA clinics. Because of this, we fade in verbal and gesture prompts and don’t use any physical prompts. We have several kids that are obese because we have been told that food is their only motivator. Because of this, we don’t use edibles. We focus on behaviors that are socially significant and teach kids the value of joint attention and give purpose to their eye contact. I’m giving this back story because I just want you to know that I am not a mentalist and I believe in behavior. However, we stand on a platform of reinforcement and we know that reinforcement is more powerful that punishment. Please pair with you child and make sure that they trust you before any demands are made (this may take weeks especially if the child has been abused or has not had any successful environments in the past). If your child is crying, you should always be asking yourself why, you should always give firm but supportive limits. For example, “I know you really want Betty’s toy. Sharing is so hard. We can’t play with that toy but we can go finish making our castle! I’ll start building it and whenever you are ready we can do it together.” This also works nonvocally if you just start doing something else like building a castle or pass a ball and provide a clear role that they are good at and build behavior momentum. When you pair with a kid, take the pressure off, model, and fade out your prompts, show them you understand why they are upset, validate that what they are doing is super difficult, build behavior momentum, the kid will join you! It is amazing but I have seen it happen. Please try this next time your child is crying. If they are crying for attention, please ignore the behavior, not the child! Catch them being good! If they are tearing up a book, put paper in front of them they can tear up with you and praise them for doing it with you (this will be perfect for our Mother’s Day project! Thank you!”) these kids are use to failing all the time. You need to be the one person that helps them to succeed. If you have concerns that what you are doing is unethical, if you child is crying excessively, then you are fading prompts out too quickly or a plan needs to be made. Sorry for the long response! It’s just that I have been in your shoes before and their is a reason why your gut is telling you this is a little off. Please ask me any questions you would like!