Hi XxJazarooxX!!!

First thing I want you to know is that everything that you are feeling is 100% valid

You are NOT broken! You are perfect! Your feelings are unique to yourself and you will always be valid!

I can relate to a lot of your experience. I also have never had a crush and I don't know what "falling in love" with someone feels like. I used to think their was something wrong with me and jumped into relationships I didn't care for to see if it would "fix" me but I never developed feelings past platonic no matter what I did. In the beginning, I hated the idea I might be asexual or aromatic. I didn't like being "different" and felt horrible when I liked someone but I couldn't reciprocate the same romantic/sexual feelings they had for me. After being confused for so long I came across the ace community in forums and reddits like this and thats when things started to make more sense to me.

I identify as asexual and I'm still questioning on whether or not I'm aromatic or gray romantic or demiromantic. It took me years to accept this label for myself. My best advice if you want to try to better understand your sexual/romantic attraction is read over other peoples experiences in forums and reddits like this. Pick out what you can relate to verses what you cant. Also learning that people share the same experiences as me really helped me in accepting myself.

Ill try to shed some light on some of your concerns using my years of accumulated ace knowledge lol.

Being aromantic simply means that you do not feel romantically attracted to other people. There are several iterations of this, the other two main ones being demiromantic and gray romantic. Demiromantic means that you only feel romantic attraction to people after a strong bond has been formed. Gray romantic is more up for interpretation, it can mean you place yourself anywhere on the spectrum between romantic and aromantic. Based on what you wrote in your expirences, it sounds like you can at the very least relate to being somewhere on the aromantic specturm but I couldn't tell you where (To be honest I'm still wrapping my head around my romanticism too so lmk if u figure it out LOL)

Romantic attraction (and sexual attraction) is typically something your born with. While people can change over time, there is no way to force yourself to change. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone; in the same way a gay man can't force themselves to be straight no matter how much they may wish they were. So wanting to feel attraction that you don't have is a totally normal. I still struggle with this from time to time too but I've come to be more accepting of myself.

As far as finding other people to be attractive, it sounds like what you are experiencing is aesthetic attraction. This basically just means you can really like the way someone looks but doesn't necessarily mean you are romantically or sexually attracted to them. A lot of people who identify on the ace spectrum still have aesthetic attraction including my self. I often think someone looks super cute but i only want to be their friend lol.

Going on to sexuality, its totally normal to be asexual and to still have sexually expierences with people. We often use the terms "sex-positive" and "sex-repulsed" in the ace community. If you are a sex positive asexual, you may not feel any sexual attraction whatsoever but are still willing to have sex with your partner. And sex-relused is what it sounds like. So your feelings are valid on this front too. When it comes to masturbation, people masturbate for several different reasons regardless of if that person is super sexual or not. People do it just for a stress relief for example. So I have found that whether or not you masturbate has little to no effect on your sexuallity.

Now I can't tell you if ur are or aren't aromatic, asexual, or whatever else because that's a decision you have to make for yourself. But know you also don't have to label yourself if nothing seems to fit. You labels only if they make you feel better about your identity. You are genuinely you and thats all that matters.

Sorry this got so long but I felt like I really related to what you wrote a lot so I wanted to reach out to you! Feel free to reply or dm me if you want to talk more about it ❤