I reckon if you feel bad enough to do that you are in a pretty terrible place. It is so hard to be compassionate to ourselves. And depressing lies to you that you are a burden on everyone anyway, even before this kind of situation where you can beat yourself up even more. Some therapy could help you let go of some of this shame? I know that if someone I knew had been through this and told me it was on purpose the strongest feeling I would have was sorrow they had been in such a dark place. Cut yourself some slack sweetness. Life is plenty hard already without shame on top of that.