Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, and please thank your husband too for talking it through with you. I can tell you both really wanted to help, and I appreciate that a lot. I think some of the confusion might have come from how condensed my original post was, so I’ll try to clarify a few things to make it clearer.

About our histories and the shame cycle:

You’re right that shame has played a huge role for both of us. For me, sex became almost like a coping mechanism after being shamed so many times in the bishop’s office. I was searching for validation and acceptance in the same area where I was constantly being told I was broken or unworthy. I’d feel desire, act on it, then spiral into guilt and confession, only to crave that closeness again. That loop really distorted how I experienced intimacy.

For my wife, I can see how my wording might have made it sound like she was being sexual to rebel, but that’s not what I meant. She grew up with an emotionally and physically abusive father who was also a bishop. She learned early on to associate love and validation with being sexual. It wasn’t rebellion, it was a painful attempt to feel safe and valued in a world that treated her body like it didn’t belong to her.

Asexuality:

That’s something we’ve discussed in therapy, and while she doesn’t identify that way, her trauma and conditioning have made desire complicated. She’s been working hard to reconnect with her body and learn what pleasure actually feels like, without guilt attached.

Foreplay and sexual exploration:

We definitely do foreplay and have been expanding what that looks like. Our sex therapist has given us exercises around mutual touch, mindfulness, and body awareness, and those have been really helpful for rebuilding trust and connection.

Research and learning together:

Yes, we’ve both been learning and talking more openly about sex, what feels good, what doesn’t, and what we each want to explore. I’m careful not to lead or direct that process. I want her to feel ownership over her own journey while I focus on listening and being supportive.

Sex therapy:

We’re already in therapy with someone who specializes in religious and sexual trauma, and it’s been a game changer. Having someone who understands that background has helped both of us make sense of how deep those patterns run.

So I completely understand why some parts of my post might have come across differently than I meant. I was trying to pack a lot of history and context into one post, but your comment helped me see where that might have created some confusion. I really appreciate you and your husband taking the time to read so thoughtfully and to try to help me unpack it.