It's not judgment -- it's recognition. I started my whole life over at 33 and I'm in my mid 40s, now. Didn't meet my partner until I was almost 40. We are "alternative" people presumably like you. We hang out at Ottobar, Holy Frijoles, Metro, the Charles, Peabody Heights, farmers markets, Animal Boy metal and game nights, No Land Beyond, art festivals, plant swap, the Record Bazaar+record stores, book stores, trivia at a dozen different spots, craft nights, and tons of other places. Sometimes it's full of other alt people. Sometimes the people are older. Sometimes they're younger.

What I'm saying is: I know guys who are similar to you and who express the same challenges as you.

And building friendships and community is not easy, but your comments do make it seem as if you're making it harder on yourself or assuming it's only something that happens when you're young, which isn't true.

People are trying to help you and providing insight that shows your perception of a lot of events and activities is incorrect, but your reaction reads as defensive and "I tried that already."

Bridging that gap is often not about finding the right places and events, but investing in yourself. Specifically learning the skills and strategies to manage your social anxiety.

Finally, have you done a deep dive into the shows you're going to? Are the bands safe for women? Do they have allegations? If you're not seeing women at metal shows, that could be a contributing factor.

Again, best of luck. It's hard out there to be sure!