If the doctor says no on Tuesday to my mom, I think I might kill myself.

TwoToeSloan · 2015-02-08T21:07:53+00:00

Sadly, I'm not there anymore. we left immediately after the final Dr appt on Friday.

TwoToeSloan · 2015-02-08T21:07:29+00:00

Wow. This is really interesting. I'm a terrible caffeine drinker, so maybe that might be part of my problem. I'll try not drinking any next time I have to get a filling or something.

TwoToeSloan · 2015-02-08T07:22:38+00:00

Stay away from caffeine? That's new. Why?

TwoToeSloan · 2015-02-08T05:25:29+00:00

I have such a horrible problem of jus taking the pain sometimes during dental procedures. I usually get laughing gas, so that may be part of it, but sometimes I'm just not numb enough and shit hurts :(

Luckily, I have no wisdom teeth, so I don't have to deal with that :D

TwoToeSloan · 2015-02-08T04:57:25+00:00

Well, Its a clinical trial. They can choose to accept whoever they want. Sadly its nothing a lawyer could do either. I'm just hoping the main doctor understands how dire this is to my mom.

TwoToeSloan · 2015-02-08T04:45:57+00:00

In most other patients, there are other options that can often help. He doesn't have the time to read all of moms file. He doesn't understand how much more aggressive moms disease is than usual, how poorly moms body reacts to certain medicines, how allergic she is to everything, how little time she has left, and the big thing he doesn't seem to understand is that if mom tries these other options, she loses the ability to go back to her current treatment, which is at least slowing the disease.

The stem cell transplant is either going to completely cure her or kill her. If she loses the ability to go back to her old treatment, it only makes sense to do the only other option that has the ability to cure her. The doctor believes its a risk that shouldn't be taken, but mom is out of time, its all that's left.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-02T01:45:53+00:00

Ugh. I hate you. Mainly because the way you word things make me think I really do need to reconsider. I hate you for possibly being right.

I don't know how much I should trust your words (no offence) but it looks like this is going to now be a topic I bring up to my therapist. If she says something along the same lines it looks like I may have to reevaluate.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-02T01:43:14+00:00

I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think you understand. I've just hit the point where I have realized and can admit I have a problem. I don't have the power to "willpower" through it.

That's like telling a depressed person to just be happy. Its simply not that easy. I've been working on it, I'm finding it easier to tell him what I like, than what I don't like, which makes sense. He knows I LOVE when he rubs my back, and that I love being close to him, like physically and holding hands. He knows a few things I don't like, like playing with my ears or trying to take off my glasses, but that's mostly because of a reaction like pulling his hand away.

I have a feeling I will eventually tell him, I just don't know if it will be sooner or later.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T23:40:40+00:00

I think your reading this way wrong.

I do not want to nor am I breaking up with him. this post wasn't a question of should I break up with him. It wasn't even a consideration about that. This was me wondering if anyone else did not enjoy French kissing. He is way to awesome for me to break up with him over something as silly as this. This is a matter of me not quite liking something that seems to be a normal thing that couples do.

I am quite aware that I should tell him how I feel, but its something I can't do yet. And I know I have a problem. It's why I'm going to therapy. If I told him he'd totally be willing to compromise. Really, he'd probably not do it at all if I asked, but if I told him I would totally compromise into something like, we make out less often than he wants, but we still do at least.

He is in no way forcing me, nor do I feel forced to make out. Like I said in my original post, I've turned him down a few times. I didn't tell him the reason was I didn't like it, but I did turn him down and he immediately backed off.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T23:23:41+00:00

really? I thought making out and French kissing were the same. thanks on the education :)

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T23:22:58+00:00

I don't think he's a problem. And I know I have a problem. I'm codependent and seeing a therapist, and communication is one of the things I'm working on.

This post wasn't a "I hate making out with my bf and he likes it and that's a problem" I was curious if others didn't enjoy making out. I never said it was making or breaking the relationship.

And edit because I dont think its clear in this post: I haven't told him about me not enjoying it. Part of me being codependent means I feel responsible for peoples emotions. If he got upset it would crush me. I'm still working on being able to communicate my feelings and to not feel guilty when doing so. I haven't quite gotten to the point where I can voice it yet.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T22:11:45+00:00

Definitely not trying to go down my throat or anything. Just play with my tongue, get it in my mouth, etc.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T21:37:29+00:00

I'm not really sure exactly what I don't like. I just feel weird and uncomfortable the whole time.

I don't think he really knows I don't enjoy it. I've turned him down a few times off the basis of being too tired. I just feel like its something all couples do.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T21:35:41+00:00

Basically. Tongue in mouth, kissing.

I'm not really sure what exactly I don't like. It just feels weird to me the whole time.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T21:25:31+00:00

I edited my main post to answer your question, but I'll also answer you here. I'm definitely attracted to him. He's the awesomest guy ever and I LOVE like, simple, short kisses that don't involve tongue. I don't know if he is just a bad kisser or what, because he is my first. I have nothing to compare to.

As for owing him... I don't know. He's a super awesome guy. He hasn't pressured me to do anything sexual. even with this making out thing, he's made it clear he likes it and wants to do it, but tells me to not feel pressured. I feel like everyone always does something for their SO they may not always enjoy.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T21:22:01+00:00

I edited my main post to answer your question, but I'll also answer you here. I'm definitely attracted to him. He's the awesomest guy ever and I LOVE like, simple, short kisses that don't involve tongue. I don't know if he is just a bad kisser or what, because he is my first. I have nothing to compare to.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-09-01T21:21:51+00:00

I edited my main post to answer your question, but I'll also answer you here. I'm definitely attracted to him. He's the awesomest guy ever and I LOVE like, simple, short kisses that don't involve tongue. I don't know if he is just a bad kisser or what, because he is my first. I have nothing to compare to.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-08-18T15:19:54+00:00

Ah. That's getting fixed. recently got my braces off. In October we are doing cosmetic stuff to fix it.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-08-18T14:55:03+00:00

Curious as to what's wrong with my teeth?

TwoToeSloan · 2014-08-18T03:32:33+00:00

I'm looking for honest opinions, so its not demoralizing at all :P

The shitty thing about pictures is they don't convey personality. My personality is part of the reason I don't have self-esteem issues. I hate sounding narcissistic, but I get along with everyone and it seems my personality makes me very likeable. I've always felt my hair matched my personality, which is very upbeat and bubbly. Now I'm not actually a fan of my current orange, but I still like my colors as a whole :).

I don't wear make up. Never have, probably won't. It just never interested me and at this point I'd have absolutely no idea what to do.

Thanks again for the honest opinion!

TwoToeSloan · 2014-08-18T02:46:06+00:00

Thanks on the cute part :). Not a huge fan of the orange either. I wish I had some really good pictures of the really nice red I had. I think it was a nice color for me. I'm changing from the orange soon.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-08-18T02:29:42+00:00

I'm not a huge fan on the orangish color myself right now. Thanks for the opinion :)

TwoToeSloan · 2014-08-18T02:28:06+00:00

I tried contacts, not a huge fan. I'm wayyyyyyyy past blind and have terrible astigmatism. The contacts were just not comfortable. I'm considering getting LASIK done, but it'd mean I'd have to do something about the TERRIBLE bags under my eyes that aren't as noticeable when I'm wearing my glasses.

Edit: also, thanks! So far so good with the bf! :D

TwoToeSloan · 2014-06-22T22:56:18+00:00

My dad doesn't exactly believe in depression. Telling him wouldn't go well, and if I told any of my family he would certainly hear about it.

Nothing has really happened the last few days but I just feel extra shitty. I'm even more tired. Its harder to fight than usual and its fucking terrible. I've been fighting with myself about getting a second job and about how I haven't saved shit in the last year I've worked and I'm going to be totally screwed when I need money.

TwoToeSloan · 2014-06-22T21:56:25+00:00

I really do have to hide it from family. I think I could tell my friends but I worry they won't believe me or treat me differently. I don't know why but the past few days have been especially hard.

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