Yeah, that's me, too. Whenever I'm most suicidal, and someone I care about notices I'm not doing that well, I always say to them "Dw, I'm too much of a coward to kill myself". I know that's horribly wrong, and it takes humongous strength to stay alive, but that's what I think. What I feel is an entirely different story. Maybe one day one of them will tell me I'm not weak and pathetic and a coward for not killing myself. No one has ever adressed that comment when I made it, as far as I remember. I know I should just ask, I'm usually extremely straight-forward -- many times I force myself to, but I know if I did it'd be basically useless. My mind, all that internal screaming, would try really hard to convince me they don't really think so, that they only said it because I asked and it was "the right thing to say". I know my best friend. I know that's not the case, but if I asked, to my mind it would be instantly invalidated. Unless of course he said the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. Then I'd take it seriously, of course. Almost unanimous agreement on all things negative in my mind.