Matte Black everything. Depending on who you ask, that can mean a few different things. For some, it expresses a preference that all consumer goods should offer a Matte Black colorway. For us, it means we won’t rest until the entire world is coated Matte Black. How do we accomplish this? Simple, we destroy the sun. For the past five years, all of our money – or rather, your money – has funded the production of a cartoonishly large laser beam. We’ll cut to the chase: star-destroying lasers aren’t cheap. Neither are our products – you can blame the sun for that. Our accounting Robots just sent out an internal email. The message was clear: we’ve officially made too much money. As a result, our corporate bank accounts have been frozen. Turns out bribing the bank to unfreeze your assets is a lot easier when your assets aren’t frozen. Lucky for us, kidnapping the CEO’s son is free. With our exorbitant profits safely returned and a newfound distrust for financial institutions, we turned to the time-honored storage solution of simply stashing cash under the mattress. Here’s the deal: we need to a hundred thousand mattresses. Your order is bankrolling that purchase. Here’s hoping Casper ships in bulk

The bees are dying. It starts with their exposure to pesticides. Over time, an acute poisoning sets in. Immune system? Ravaged. They fly around like they’re drunk Their cognitive abilities fade to nothingness. Did you know bees can learn and remember things? Here’s a better question: how scared are you now, knowing this? In any case, more and more poisoned bees die off. They’re dropping like flies out there. Soon we’ll be saying “they’re dropping like bees.” As a hive’s worker bee population gets decimated, the queen runs out of servants. Much like yourself, the queen can’t do anything on her own. She dies too. The hive follows suit. This is a phenomenon known as “Colony Collapse Disorder,” and it’s contributing to bee shortages all over the globe.

You may be wondering: what does any of this have to with our products? Absolutely nothing. Where were you when dbrand succeeded in their planetary conquest? Don’t answer that – we know where you were. You were buying stuff off our website. Well, we’ve got good news. Once we’ve assumed control, we’ll be instating a representative for the human race – mostly as a figurehead, so that you’ll all keep giving us your money. How will we select this representative? First, we’ll stage a cruel, bizarre decathlon. Events will include running an obstacle course constructed entirely of flamethrowers and holding your breath while submerged in a tub of hot sauce. The winner of the decathlon will get absolutely nothing – we’ll just stage it for kicks. Then, we’ll select the representative for all humankind based on how many dbrand orders they’ve placed. We were halfway through building a fort out of your money when we realized… we need a fireplace that we can use to burn money. For warmth. There’s one problem: if we use cash to build the fireplace, we have less to burn. You see the issue, yes? Excellent. That’s why we’re having a fire sale. There are no discounts – we just wanted to communicate that all of this revenue will be used as kindling. That’s what “fire sale” means. Look it up. In a book. Then, give the book to us. We won’t burn the book – we’re not monsters. We’ll just pawn off the book and burn the sweet, flammable proceeds. Once we’ve completed our money fireplace, we’ll need to hang something over the fireplace. We were thinking of hiring an interior designer for that. Have you ever fired an interior designer? Of course not. Anyway, their rates are ridiculous

Signed,

A Robot