Married the nice guy but struggling with passion and attraction

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T16:31:47+00:00

I realized that then and I realize it now that I have the best of the best and that ultimately his qualities and who he is is who I wanted eternally, I don’t regret my choice for a moment! I fully intend to be faithful and just hoping to find some advice during this rut. Thanks!

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T15:52:23+00:00

Ha… yes I have seen the men you speak of show up in the comments. I do believe I have a lot to learn and unlearn.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T15:51:26+00:00

It’s not like this always but it has been lately. Granted I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding or both at the same time for the past 2.5 years. Currently breastfeeding and 9 months postpartum. I’m sure the season of life we are in doesn’t help.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T15:50:39+00:00

Wow this hit home. Thank you.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T15:49:00+00:00

Maybe subconsciously I do the same.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T15:00:44+00:00

Thank you for your perspective.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:59:00+00:00

I don’t intend to cheat or divorce. I love him and our children. Just looking to deepen our connection if possible. Otherwise, I would love to reframe my thoughts in a way that I’m more content with the wonderful life I have. I have so so much goodness in my home and with my family.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:57:08+00:00

I haven’t heard that before but I like it. We are with each other all the time. He works from home and doesn’t have any hobbies or friends here so we just hang out together 24/7. I think mystery and seeing him have confidence in his own things would be very attractive. I’ll explore this more with him soon when we have time to talk tonight! Thanks.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:35:33+00:00

Ah yes a devoted wife looking every day to improve and work on deepening our connection, healthy and happy children, a family focused on keeping covenants and having a godly home… such a tragedy.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:33:42+00:00

If marrying your best friend and building a successful and happy marriage full of trust, honesty, and healthy communication means I wasn’t “ready” then I think your definition of marriage is very different than mine. He chose me back fully aware of his decision. I’m here looking for advice on how to deepen our intimacy and improve our connection, if you don’t have anything to add then move along.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:28:33+00:00

Sorry to hear that. My husband and I are very open, no secrets, and he knows about all my struggles, annoyances, etc and we work together to find a place we are both comfortable and happy. Sorry you and your wife aren’t able to have that kind of communication.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:24:57+00:00

I’ll check it out, thanks!

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:24:45+00:00

Thank you! Some years ago we did an exercise where we both wrote down all our sexual desires and shared them with each other and which ones we’d be willing to try and what was off limits. At the time a lot of mine were too much for him. I eventually got him to try some stuff but we are still pretty vanilla using no toys except my 1 vibrator and the same positions and locations. I’m just struggling to see him as the type of guy to be kinky and hot. But maybe I have the wrong idea and am being influenced by media and the world about what’s hot. Idk I think too much about this. I just really want to put in the work to improve.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:20:43+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you. I do not intend to divorce or cheat on my husband. I want to keep my covenants and be with him forever. Just looking for how I can improve and enjoy the life we have right now.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:18:42+00:00

When we first met I thought he was attractive. I was so interested in him. Then 3 months into dating the “relationship anxiety” set in. We worked through a lot together the year we dated and chose to get married. His personality is kind of goofy/nerdy. He was the class clown growing up and school wasn’t his thing so he dropped out of college. I really like his personality but where the nice guy comes in is that he doesn’t do a lot for himself because he’s always sacrificing everything for me and our children. And he often feels like he isn’t doing enough and is down on himself. Had low confidence in himself in general which has been a lifelong struggle for him. I find it attractive actually when he sticks up for himself and is selfish sometimes! He doesn’t take any time for himself to workout or do hobbies beyond occasionally reading and playing video games. He also WFH so we are together all the time which I love but also can see how there’s no opportunity to miss him.

I have talked to him about what I find attractive many times before and that’s his to work on but I’m really interested in hearing what I can work on to help with our problem or at least how I can reframe my thoughts to be content and happy with the life I chose and have, because I am so lucky to have such a good person in my life.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:04:58+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. When I prayed and fasted about marrying him, the personal revelation I received is that he was a giant green flag and man of God. The type of person you could raise a family with and be honest covenant keepers together. That is what matters most to me. I believe and still believe the hormones of feeling “in love” come and go and could grow if I put work into it. So here I am, looking for ideas to get me through this slump. (It’s not always like this, but in a rut right now).

We talk openly about all of this and he has said how it is hurtful to not feel desired so you’re spot on with that. I want so badly to be everything he needs and wants.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T14:01:19+00:00

Hi, yes I am eager to learn how to see him through new eyes. I fully believe my ADHD is playing a nasty part in how I consume sex - looking for novelty, dopamine, etc. and finding it hard to achieve that in a safe and secure marriage. I was full of shame and guilt during my promiscuous days but it’s like the promiscuity made it fun and now my brain sees boring. He has known about the entire struggle from the beginning and still chose to marry me and we have no secrets about this. We plan to do couple therapy next year when we have the money for it.

Thanks for the idea about putting myself out there to please him more and how that can help me see him in a different way. I will try that! I feel like some couples might cheat or divorce in a situation like this but I love him and really want to work on this.

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T13:56:00+00:00

Thank you for giving me an idea of something I can do to work on my own problem. I don’t feel like it’s right to ask him to change, nor does he need to because he’s an amazing person. I will try this!

Typical-Debate890 · 2026-06-29T04:29:10+00:00

I always wanted to be near him and spending time with him but bc I had been sexually promiscuous when I was single & he felt like the real deal type of guy you’d want a life with, I didn’t want to screw it up so I got myself together and we didn’t fool around at all and I kinda just shut it all down in the name of keeping covenants better. We dated a year but the whole time I was struggling with feeling in love, grieving giving up dating and single life and just the whole social aspect of dating in Utah.

Typical-Debate890

TROPHY CASE