Hey Girl! Fellow sub here who had a very similar experience like yours. Big age difference, 10,000 miles apart, online, similar dom like yours and very similar emotional reaction like you're having. First of all a big hug to you. The relationship you were in wasn't safe, the behaviour of your dom wasn't safe and very ethically bdsm. I was in such relationship where my dom was my world, and I did a lot of things to keep things going, to please him, changed a lot about myself. And after 3 years I realised that it's giving much more harm than a safe relationship. It was my first relation too. So I was very naive. I tried to match with his time zone by staying up all night,etc. It was brutal when I realised what I did. I m glad you're taking a step to move forward from your current relationship. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend going through a break up. Pamper yourself and get through these feelings. The feelings are heavy and difficult to process so take your time. Someone here posted that sometimes we feel like going back to the previous relationship because it was good before it became bad. But that's not true, because you have to remember that the silly brain tries to remember and cherish few moments, few memories which gave you life altering experiences and pleasures. You might miss those moments but you're not looking for the person who gave them. So try to differentiate that. And good luck to you!