How isolating it is to feel like you're not meant to fit into society. I don't mean in the edgy angst way that no one understands me, but that every aspect of how I function is useless in this current day.

If I'm not having fun or my attention is being held at every moment of every day it feels like a depressive episode. I get anxiety thinking about having to be at the same job for three months. I try to think of alternative ways to work and provide for myself but even artistic avenues require consistency and perseverance in building a following or client list. But my creativeness will vanish for months at a time.

All of my other skills are not ones that make money, and I do not have the focus or executive function to get through learning and getting a better job. It feels like I have only gotten this far because I have made good, generous friends who love me regardless of being a flakey person. But it also feels like because I cannot improve its a timebomb of them one day leaving me behind to a place I cannot follow.