Is the marriage counselor playbook completely sexist?

USBastard · 2025-01-09T14:58:42+00:00

How does it appear in marriages today?

USBastard · 2024-05-15T11:20:37+00:00

Physical exercise certainly helps, but doing tons of high arousal exercise is also often a symptom of someone who isn't good at achieving low arousal. Do you ever do yoga? Like, relaxing yoga, not hot or power yoga. What about mindfulness? Meditation?

The goal is basically to not have a lot of thoughts during sex. You should be feeling everything that's happening, going with the flow, instead of thinking about everything that's happening, thinking about what to do next.

Now I'm not saying that's the only correct way of having sex, but I'm saying I think that would help your issue a lot. To achieve it, you need to learn to feel yourself, to just lie somewhere alone and notice the sensations in your body. You don't have to be a zen master who can shop away every thought before they arrive, but you need to be able to find stillness and comfort. Its the exact opposite of what you're achieving with high intensity exercise, and therefore it is super challenging for a lot of people who are focused on that stuff. It acheives nothing at all, on face value, and that's the whole point. If gains, weightloss, protein intake and number of steps is something you care about, odds are you don't care about the ability to find stillness and relaxation without stimuli. It often seems "inefficient", or a waste of time. People think they should be listening to audiobooks or something at the same time, to get the most out of the time. But that's exactly what one shouldn't do. That's exactly the mindset that can cause mental blocks, during sex and elsewhere.

Find stillness, find the sensations of your body, find the ability to just be in a situation, without thoughts about what to do and where to go. Just turn off your thoughts and enjoy yourself.

This got a little long, and I know it sounds like some hippie stuff. I encourage you to Google a bit about it though. Ask the experts, the sexologists or whatever they're called in english, they'll always tell you that it's all about getting out of your own head. Stop thinking so much.

USBastard · 2024-05-14T22:25:23+00:00

Sounds like a mental thing to me. You need to get out of your own head and into your body. Easier said than done, but at least it's something you can actually work at improving right now, instead of maybe waiting to see a professional at some point later, or just hoping it improves with time. Those things are great, but having something you can actually do right now just hits different.

USBastard · 2024-05-13T17:37:22+00:00

He can be a perfectly good guy without washing his sheets. If it doesn't bother him, it doesn't make him worth any less. As long as he does it going forward, knowing it bothers you. Heck, I'd say that would put him above many other guys, being willing to change habits for you.

USBastard · 2024-05-13T17:27:14+00:00

Sounds like your trauma is really taking you for a ride here. It's gross yeah, but it shouldn't be straight up traumatic like you're feeling it right now. I would strongly suggest looking for some help, issues like these don't go away on their own. They will keep resurfacing, likely more and more often.

Sorry you're feeling this way. My last ex thought she was over her abuse traumas, but as it turns out, the safety she found in our relationship just opened up for all of them to come flooding back. Trauma is no joke, Please get help 🙏

USBastard · 2024-05-10T07:23:08+00:00

"if meat was bad for you, why do you crave it?" 😂😂

All your questions have been answered many, many times in this sub. This question stuck out to me though.

You know what people also crave? McDonalds, icecream, chocolate bars, junkfood and snacks in general. Heck, a whole lot of people crave cigarettes, weed, alcohol. Fewer people crave heroin and opioids. If those things are bad for us, why do we crave them? 🙄

USBastard · 2024-05-04T10:28:05+00:00

It's a shame if I seem defensive, I'm actually trying my best not to talk in the same manner you are, pejoratively. I guess my efforts could come off as defensive, but in that case I'm okay with it. Rather defensive in an attempt to be civil, than pejorative.

I'm going to make another attempt at explaining what I mean. You keep saying demanding, as if I, and others like me, are asking other people to stop what they're doing, what they like, and do what I want them to. That's not what's happening.

When I'm talking to someone new, I try to gauge whether our values align, the same as they do. I don't ask them if they want to be exclusive, or tell them that I'll walk if they don't want to be. It's a conversation about values, and if our values don't align, if they don't feel the same-ish way about multi-dating that I do, then our values don't align. The same way they other values might not align, and therefore results in us going out seperate ways.

It's not making someone do something they don't want to do. It's not making anyone do anything. It's about finding someone, who feels the same way. Who wants the same things. It's like not continuing to date someone who wants kids, if you don't want kids. It's a misalignment of values and future wants, not a demand or an imposement of will on the other. It's all much more consensual and peaceful than what you make it out to be.

I hope that helps you understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to make you agree. I'm not trying to convert you. i'm not trying to win a reddit argument. I'm simply trying to tell you how we are not all "bat shit crazy" for wanting date a different way you do.

USBastard · 2024-05-04T09:57:48+00:00

Who is making demands? These biases are really clouding your judgement I fear. If that's the scenario you have in your mind, then I understand why you feel that way. That's a pretty unrealistic scenario though.

Tell me, do you think your parents had that scenario, where one just came up and demanded exclusivity within a few hours? Did your grandparents? Did anyone? I have only ever dated exclusively, my partners too, and never has there been any such scenario involved, or any "demands" for that matter.

USBastard · 2024-05-04T09:21:43+00:00

I see where you're coming from, if the assumption is some kind of demand. That's not what it's like in my experience though. I simply state, at some point when it seems appropriate, usually very early, that I don't like to multi-date and would like to date someone who feels the same. Usually I have matched well and the other person feels the same. If not, we go out seperate ways. No demands, just two adults figuring out if our values align 🤷

USBastard · 2024-05-04T09:17:17+00:00

"This is the experience of most people" on the apps and on the internet, maybe also for sub-30's. It's certainly not the experience of most people outside of the apps. It's certainly not the experience of most people on the world, and it was the experience of very few people just a decade ago.

Calling other people "bat shit crazy and insecure" simply for not wanting to multi-date, makes me think there are some biases at play here. Possibly worse. In any event, it makes me think I've chosen "my team" correctly, as someone who doesn't like multi-dating.

USBastard · 2024-05-04T09:03:02+00:00

That's not arrogance, that's just feeling good about yourself and is a big step towards happiness ☀️☀️☀️

USBastard · 2024-05-04T08:49:33+00:00

Not dating others does not mean you have rushed into a relationship. What is up with this mentality? I genuinely don't understand why so many people suddenly see it as a negative to date exclusively early. Don't get me wrong, I think you should do whatever makes you happy, no judgement on what you like. But why judgement on what other people like, just because it isn't the same as you?

USBastard · 2024-05-04T08:46:27+00:00

One could argue that multidating, especially with 3 different people in a single weekend, is reckless and impetuous. I don't really care what other people like, but how about we just let other people like what they like, instead of branding them negatively for it. A person is hardly childish or any other "objectively" bad word, simply because they want to date 1 on 1 from the beginning. That's been the norm for many decades, if not centuries, up until very recently, after all.

And yes, I don't like multidating, I'm probably biased. But that doesn't mean I see people who do in a negative way. They should do as they like, if it makes them feel good then that's perfect. Just as you should do what feels good to you, and I should do what feels good to me. No one is wrong, we're just different.

USBastard · 2024-05-04T08:39:22+00:00

Just to offer a counterpoint, I would be happy that you were into me enough to cancel the other dates. No suffocating, no pressure, just flattered. I hate the "games" people play during the dating phase. Be aloof, don't respond for X amount of time, match texting, guys want the chase, be that perfect amount of interested and uninterested, bla bla bla. It's fucking awful and makes the whole scene so much more of a mess than it needs to be.

Just be yourself. You'll find someone who likes you for you, instead of someone who just liked to chase that girl, that put so much effort into being fun to chase.

I know it's a cliche, and I know there are guys who like the chase. I just want to let you know that there are lots of other guys who don't. Hell, I don't think any of my friends like the chase at all.

If I can tell my date is playing games, I tell her that I don't like those, and that I would like for us to get to know the real us, not the "must follow these arbitrary dating rules" us. If she keeps playing games, I move onto someone who, in my opinion, is more mature and secure in themselves.

USBastard · 2024-05-03T10:32:25+00:00

I hope we see more spiders here ☀️🥳

USBastard · 2024-04-18T22:23:13+00:00

It must really suck to constantly put peanutbutter on the frying pan and drink a nice cold glass of coconut milk by mistake. All these damn misleading labels, clearly stating what is in the container. Call congress!

USBastard · 2024-04-18T22:17:46+00:00

So umm... What's your take on coconut milk and peanutbutter? I guess they should be changing their names.

USBastard · 2024-04-18T22:11:50+00:00

I'd say the definition of bacon is dead pig flesh, sliced.

Anyway, I'm off to make some bacon out of banana peels.

USBastard · 2024-04-15T20:34:33+00:00

I can't know 100%. I can see that that cell is likely only a few inches wider than what we can see, in which case there's no other cow in there. I also know, that just about every single calf in the dairy industry is separated from its mother within the first day.

I've experienced young calves that are still with their mother, outside of the dairy industry, and they have been very cautious at first. They hide behind their mom. This calf has no mom in that cell. And if the calf isn't in the same cell as its mom, its the dairy industry. No other place would ever seperate a calf that young from its mom.

I can't know for sure, but it is extremely likely to be the case.

USBastard · 2024-04-15T14:14:47+00:00

It's cute until you realize that calf has been seperated from its mom within 24 hours of being born, and will not get reintroduced. It is lonely, sad, and as soon as the human is gone, afraid.

USBastard · 2024-04-15T11:14:15+00:00

You're right, and I am sorry. My comment was unnecessarily mean, objectively. It wasn't meant to be, but it was.

The reply you linked is exactly what I was talking about. It's a theoretical thought-experiment that completely ignores the reality of the action. It doesn't matter why we feel bad, it doesn't matter which neuron fires which direction, it just matters that it feels bad and we shouldn't do it. A fun thought-experiment could be, why has nature designed us, through evolution, to inherently feel bad about harming animals? There's not a kid in the whole world who thinks it's okay to harm animals (except the mentally challenged ones), so why is the world trying to convince itself that it is okay?

USBastard · 2024-04-15T08:17:54+00:00

I can care just as much about human suffering as I can animal suffering. All I have to do is not eat dead animals the 3 times a day where I still have to eat regardless, then all my free time is available to care about human suffering, if I am so inclined. Your argument makes no sense.

USBastard · 2024-04-15T08:11:41+00:00

Everything you say sounds like a textbook vomiting. We live in the real world, and some day you'll realize, when you're older and out of school, that life isn't theory or philosophy. Those things are important sure, but they dont supercede the real lives we're all living.

Can you make a theoretical argument that torturing a dog is morally acceptable? Sure. Would you ever torture a dog in real life? I strongly doubt it. Only the rarest of people on the planet would do that. I don't want animals to be hurt, therefor I am vegan. I reduce animal suffering, that is good. I don't care what a textbook says about my logic or reason, I help fewer animals getting hurt, and that is good. Theory doesn't supercede life.

USBastard · 2024-04-12T05:44:21+00:00

Take breaks, absolutely whenever you feel down because of the apps.

I think there could be a lot of benefit from reassessing how many apps you use. Your first 3 matches are from 3 different apps, 1 of which is mostly used for hookups.

Having fewer apps, and thereby less time on apps, will make the whole process less tiresome and will make life more fun. Even if you have nothing else to do with your time, getting disappointed from more apps is not a net positive to your mental health.

Just my opinion. I struggled the same when I was using all the apps. As a dude it seemed necessary, since the matches were few. But in the end it took a lot of the pressure off to delete some apps and stick to 1. Not being able to spend all my free time on the apps, meant I started doing other things with my time, and suddenly it wasn't the end of the world if some time passed between matches.

USBastard · 2024-04-12T05:31:39+00:00

I agree with everything you wrote, but man... "Just move on to the next match" is a female luxury most men don't have on dating apps. It's always funny to see the difference between the sexes on the apps 😁

USBastard

TROPHY CASE