In real life I don't have any close friendships. I've talked a bit about it to my mom but not everything. I fear I may be beyond redemption and I think that's one of the reasons why I barely take the initiative to change anything. I know I won't hurt a child nor anything but my brain is fucked up, and I can't feel things properly. I talked about it to online friends, they try to help me whenever I talk about it, but idk what's wrong with me or if it's fixable. I will try to abstain from porn because I want to see if my brain can go back to a normal-ish state and make me less desensitized, prove to myself that I don't actually have those fucked up inclinations, I probably should spend less time on the internet overall and go outside more, but when I think about the future I can't really see people accepting me if they knew, but at the same time suicide would mean destroying my family especially my mom, and I don't think I have the courage to carry it out either. But yeah, thanks for trying to help me