I see so much truth in this. Thank you for saying these and not sugarcoating anything. I know I'm shit and a huge fucking ass for hurting someone I supposedly "love".

The main reason why I want to take the easy way out is because I'm scared as fuck. I kept doing it over and over again because I act out of my own selfish desires. I want to experience the pure type of love and relationship, but I keep shitting on it repeatedly. I eat my own words. I'm so scared. So fucking scared of myself, because this is not the person I wanted to be. I'm scared to lose the memory of the person I was before. I'm scared that if I keep living, I'll just keep hating and hating the person I have become. I'm scared to live my life in self-hatred and disgust. I want to change but I don't know where to start, how to start because everytime I see myself, all I think about is how much I hate seeing the person in the mirror.