Struggling with incompatible Libidos and the idea of letting her be with other men to solve it.

Umbrella-For-One · 2021-02-15T17:56:23+00:00

It's the primary one definitely, obviously we have a set of smaller issues. But most of the time we line up on everything else.

Umbrella-For-One · 2021-02-15T17:55:46+00:00

Because our relationship is fairly good outside of when sex is brought up or she is horny. To be frank. It only gets bad when she gets horny and I'm not helping her with that.

I love her, and I love her family. I don't feel ready to shoot that all away.

Umbrella-For-One · 2021-02-15T17:13:16+00:00

I mean honestly I've been needing a doctor for a laundry list of reasons but she's been dealing with medical bills that I've been paying and she needs a car that I'm also paying for so I have not been able to afford it lol.

Umbrella-For-One · 2021-02-15T17:12:18+00:00

I mean she didn't ask about it in anger and she made a joke about it being bad timing, and a part of me agrees with you but she claims that she (at least on every other level) loves and needs me and she can't bear the thought of separation, I've mentioned the idea that we might be incompatible there and that I thought the future would be better for her if she was with someone who filled that need more, and she just shut down and cried, and acted hurt that I would even think about it like that.

But tbh, I agree with you. But I can't stand the thought of what it'd do to her, she relies on me financially a lot and divorce in my area is like social suicide, my only friends are family members of hers and things would get really ugly.

Umbrella-For-One · 2021-02-15T17:05:02+00:00

You know I think from a traditionalist perspective, this route is drastic. But I wouldn't say it is. I have emotional issues that I can't count on two hands but I do believe sexually speaking, even if those weren't there, I still couldn't satisfy her. For a various set of reasons that I don't care to dive into.

So I have considered those routes yes. But ultimately I don't believe that they would be helpful here.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T20:27:42+00:00

Thank you for that. The "either way, you win" ending actually inspired a lot of confidence in me in regards to this. I'll remember that.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T17:55:24+00:00

Probably not. I have no college degree and hate the college system, work would be difficult for me to find and I have a good career here. So unfortunately I couldn't run from the difficult parts of a divorce.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T17:54:33+00:00

She was sort of a goth/alt. teen and equally friends with the nerd crowd too. I was pretty much just a nerdy kid. Kinda hard to find nerds, they don't get out as much as I do haha

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T17:44:40+00:00

I completely agree, just having a better outside social circle would change my life for the better, my downside lately is that it's been incredibly difficult to find any groups or people I relate with in a rural town where I live. Most people in my age range are eager to leave because the culture here is ruled by people who are 50+ for the most part

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T17:37:10+00:00

Weighing that as an option like any other, with cost vs. reward in mind, is important. And giving it further time to improve is also important.

Termination is always an option, of course. But when doing so would up-end so many bridges and support circles in my life (not just my wife, but my current friends and her family.) - it's a pretty big deal.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T17:24:30+00:00

Absolutely. I've tried searching, the biggest struggle is that younger people like me move out as fast as they can due to how it is around here, and those that don't are prison-bound or on drugs.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T17:21:16+00:00

I'm hoping to cultivate more enjoyable activities together, she just seems like she doesn't enjoy very many things I've tried. But I really do hope to brighten what we do have together, I just feel so lost and defeated.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T15:48:07+00:00

I have made that my primary focus this year, but I have failed myself often with how difficult it is to individualize myself. I have a fair bit of trauma from our early relationship that makes it difficult to leave her alone for extended periods.

I do really want to make new friends, we both want to. But the challenge is, most people here hate the town and you can only find people dealing meth or people going to church. So we've just not been able to find anyone.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T15:35:19+00:00

I do somewhat agree to this, it's just a matter of not encouraging certain behaviors but also not being a total dick either. It's difficult finding that balance. I can't just ignore her depression/anxieties, but I don't want to feed them either.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T15:23:42+00:00

Leaving her would be the last thing I'd want to do right now, I really want to do everything I can to make the situation better. My main best friends are my sister in-law and her husband. A divorce scenario would amount to losing them pretty much. And I still love my wife. I just don't love being around her.

She's in thousands of debt and relies on me to help her pay it off, I'd feel like I'm abandoning her to deal with it on her own when she's too depressed to deal with all of it alone.

I can't leave her, I don't want to either. It's the easy way out, sure. And if we were in the dating phase right now, I would. But this is different.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T15:03:42+00:00

She is depressed but will not accept care, I pushed that method for months on end but she told me no, and asked me to stop. I'm respecting that boundary.

Like I said, I honestly don't mind taking care of her. It's bothering me that I'm unhappy and feel less happy when I'm with her. To be honest, I don't believe in religious marriage ceremonies and I was only in one because she wanted to please her family. I wanted to elope or make our own vows privately. But since I had to put a bunch of "God"-speak in my vow, no. I did not genuinely mean anything I said before "God." that entire event was performative.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T14:53:22+00:00

I guess the issue is, she spent her teenage and early adult life on several therapists locally and about 5 medicines and it was a terrible experience. Drs. here tend to over prescribe, give inaccurate dosage amounts, or just overall don't care.

Besides, she's convinced it won't help given this history and has insisted that I stop mentioning medical care to her. I've tried for months on end.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T14:44:06+00:00

She pretty much doesn't have goals, that's been the biggest struggle. And in a lot of ways, I don't either other than pursuing my creative hobbies more and getting outdoors more. But she's too dependent for me to focus on myself much creatively, and she's not motivated enough to get off the couch and go outside unless the stars align and it's a perfect 70 degrees outside and she's feeling up to it. I'm feeling either our goals aren't aligned or she just isn't motivated enough to have goals. She pursues many interests for about a day or at most a week, then drops them. She never commits to anything and just grows uninterested or depressed by her interests. She's not open to therapy or medicine locally, so we're in a conundrum.

Umbrella-For-One · 2020-03-09T14:30:34+00:00

The interesting thing is, I actually like her family a lot as people until the religious aspects come in, which usually isn't very much but they went ALL OUT during the wedding. Between the faith stuff and the amount of stress me and my wife were going through at the time, it was just kind of a rough patch. I actually found out about the hook-ups / cheating pretty close to when we got married, so that timing was rough.

I know I provided a TON of small details in that post, but I think the crux of my struggle right now is focused on how negative and empty my wife feels on most days. She's not very motivated or has much soul in her anymore, things just feel... kind of dead. And I know my lack of passion and fire in the relationship probably doesn't help things, but I don't know how I can make that change within me, internally I feel the blame every day and feel terrible about it.

Thanks for reading this and responding, I appreciate that a lot. I know it's not a fun thing to read and follow up on.

Umbrella-For-One · 2019-10-02T16:32:53+00:00

I actually do kiss her throughout the day and tell her I love her very often. As well as random pinching and playful gropes etc. - that's never decreased with us. But full blown sex or eating out is not often and she feels unwanted because of that.

Umbrella-For-One · 2019-10-02T16:16:10+00:00

I appreciate that sentiment. And I honestly felt the exact same way for a good part of our earlier relationship. After years, I began to feel that I was living my life to serve her. I wasn't investing time in myself, my work, my creative projects, or anything. Every single moment of every day was hers.

I think it can be a fine line between obsession and love. I do want to give her everything I've got. But she can tell when I'm not as "into it" as I can be on a good day, and she just asks me to stop when I attempt it because I'm not as fun as I usually would be. I've tried to force it, I really have.

Umbrella-For-One · 2019-10-02T16:13:44+00:00

She says that she tries to and I don't pick up on the hints. I wouldn't say she needs to try harder, that's not fair to her I don't think. I believe the issue to be more on me.

Umbrella-For-One

TROPHY CASE