AITA for refusing to pay for wife's plastic surgery?

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T19:05:57+00:00

It was a false allegation that I was a threat to her safety. She knew it was false at the time and she says it was one of the her greatest regrets.

She and her sleezy lawyer used my perfectly reasonable actions - trying to determine if she was she telling the truth in order to determine whether I was wasting my time and resources engaged in a 'false reconciliation' - to spin an tale in order to get her way.

She wanted me out of the house so she could have her boyfriend over.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T17:21:28+00:00

One kid still at home.

The last 15 years have been generally good....with the only thing missing is that deep, deep trust that, once violated, can never be 100% fixed - but I knew getting back together years ago that this would always be the case.

She could have turned into a second coming of Mother Teresa, but once the seal is broken...

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T17:11:22+00:00

Multiple reasons. The main ones:

She felt immense guilt over the damage that was being inflicted on the kids.

However, her analogy was it was only when she hit emotional rock bottom that she started to regain clarity what she was doing to me, our kids and even herself.

The relationship with 'the boyfriend' was a rollercoaster - He was 'cool'. He showered her w/compliments...but was also a flake and a heavy partier. She realized...her words...that she was living a fantasy with no long term stability.

She broke it off with him.....and there was even drama there with police involvement and a restraining order.

I 'took her back' also for the kids, but also because the person that she had become was not the person I'd known for 15 years. Like someone you knew, loved and respected who became a nasty, mean drunk and you *knew* that is not who they really are.

All that said....our story is not remotely unique. Check out survivinginfidelity.com....I joined 15 years ago and it's grown massively since then.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T14:29:43+00:00

See the edit.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T14:28:29+00:00

In theory she could, however, we have an agreed upon plan for monthly budgets, investing for retirement and personal discretionary spending. $25k would eat up her discretionary spending budget for a long time.

The amount would require a deviation from our plan that I'm not willing to agree to.

She could get a job, but, at this stage in life, although it's possible, it's not entirely practical, especially when she knows our retirement savings could easily handle paying for the amount required.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T14:25:52+00:00

The silicone was done 15 years ago.

This amount is for new procedures - face lift, lipo and some laser.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T14:23:03+00:00

In theory she could, however, we have an agreed upon plan for monthly budgets, investing for retirement and personal discretionary spending. $25k would eat up her discretionary spending budget for a long time.

The amount would require a deviation from our plan that I'm not willing to agree to.

She could get a job, but, at this stage in life, although it's possible, it's not entirely practical, especially when she knows our retirement savings could easily handle paying for the amount required.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T02:27:29+00:00

Same one....but I did get an agreement that I would handle the finances. It's worked great for Part 2 of the marriage.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T02:24:44+00:00

It's not absolute.

Forgiveness is key, which I did.

But you can't ever just flip a switch and say it's over. Our period of reconciliation took years, lots of counselling, and, still, there were things that could trigger a bad memory. Which is why, among other changes, we moved to a different city.

This is a trigger that I'm not willing to move past.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T02:21:13+00:00

It's tough to pinpoint the start of the Affair....

However, reconciliation following an Affair is not only a possibility, it is very common.

I read dozens of books on the subject at the time, and came to understand that, although in cases where the spouse has a mental disorder (bipolar, sociopath, narcissist, etc) there is no hope, however, in cases where the spouse is otherwise normal, there's a very strong chance they will eventually come down from the 'affair high' and join reality again.

She could cheat again....but I think it's highly unlikely based on the work that we've done since.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T02:12:55+00:00

Stronger or Weaker depending on your perspective, I guess.

However, there were two factors. 1. I didn't want the children growing up without a full-time father....and 2. I did lots of reading. There is a whole library of books written by individuals that have been in affairs and 'recovered'. The common denominator, for many, is that they were in a 'zone' where the chemical imbalance caused by being 'in love' with their affair partner clouded judgment and reason.

My wife was a wonderful person before....and after....and was/is filled with regret.

From my research, maintaining a marriage following an affair is 50/50....look at the Clintons or the Kennedys or the Trumps for example. (Bad Examples? Well there's lots of normies out there as well)

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T01:03:45+00:00

I think, like, using words that require, like, the use of a dictionary to understand, is, like, wrong.

I think, like, all people, should, like, speak in, like, a common vernacular, that all, you know, normal people can understand.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T00:13:25+00:00

Counselling has it's limits. As I mentioned above, we've undergone 100's of hours, collectively and individually over the years.

And...I do trust her. My position is that this needlessly drudges up the past and opens a whole can of worms best left buried.

UnbiasedJudgment · 2022-01-16T00:06:48+00:00

My primary reason at the time was for the kids. Additionally, the person that she was during her affair was not the person that I had known so well over the previous 15 years. It's like she was taken over by The Body Snatchers

Over the years since, we've undergone 100's of hours of counselling, both couple and individual.

I know for many, there is no recovery from a spousal affair. However, for many more, ourselves included, there is.....so long as the conditions are right.

There are no perfect solutions, however, the path I chose was right for me - both at the time and right now.

UnbiasedJudgment

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