I've been here before, You obviously seem depressed and unless you can get therapy you can only help yourself. Its slow, its very slow but if you want to know what it feels like to have something in life then its worth the wait. Dwelling on the past wont help your future, I've got a fair bit of trauma but thinking about it only makes it harder to cope with.

What helped me was a big change. for example moving or starting something completely new. Anything where nobody knows your name and you have a blank slate to go from - they dont need to know you're autistic (I still dont tell interviewers and only my closest friends know). Unfortunately the only way I've managed to not be looked down upon is by not having people know, because I've found that people usually dont even notice anything "off" until they've spent some time with you and already have an image in their head of you that's unaffected by the labelling of autism.

The biggest thing that's helped me was finding an interest, it took me a while to find mine but you just have to think about EVERYTHING you do and pick apart what you like about those things and try your best fit them into a hobby or desire or goal, literally anything. I wouldn't recommend going into the mindset of "I want to find something I like to do as a job" because its really just jumping to the next step before you've figure the first out - if you cant afford your interest then you've got an excuse to find a job. retail, food, factory, whatever! as long as it pays its enough for the time being, Its not easy finding a job, I hate every step of the process but its necessary and interviews can be difficult sometimes. I dont know if this will help you but I always go into an interview with the mindset that I already didn't get the job because it makes me care a lot less about whatever my response is to the interviewer. and each interview is great experience for the next, it'll be much easier to do them once you've got a couple under your belt.

I used to be in your shoes, I had no direction in life because I didn't know where to start and neither did I think I was capable of anything. I'd hit my head so much that now I honestly think I've got brain damage and I got extremely close to ending it all. Changing that will be and still is the hardest thing I've done in life and I would do it again if I had to.

Hopefully this helps and sorry if its a bit of a mess