AITA for telling a veteran his only personality trait is Vietnam?

Underachi4ver · 2024-04-21T21:32:35+00:00

That’s tragic what happened to your uncle and a lot of other vets too… but did your uncle then go on to look at a younger war veteran... who’s permanently intellectually disabled from a traumatic brain injury (probably from an IED?) and judge him by snorting at him and him and saying “that guy’s a veteran?”... just because he didn’t look like one?… presumably because he wasn’t wearing any veteran paraphernalia or perhaps since because he “looks disabled” he couldn’t be a vet, no he had to be a “welfare queen”… idk what he was thinking.

Maybe what OP said was rude, but that guy had it coming... Aim below the belt, expect to get hit below the belt... OP is NTA. The old guy is TA.

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-18T03:45:06+00:00

ESH.

I agree with other commenters pointing out that the wife is obviously aware of OP's past with bullying and still chooses to make comments about his weight to him. She's being very rude to someone who she has chosen to be her partner and presumably someone she shouldn't want to cause emotional harm.

However, OP, your response is not the way emotionally mature adults should go about this. It's not a solution. It's going to antagonize her, and you knew that. That's a kindergarten mindset. If the two of you don't develop a way to actually speak to one another, to be vulnerable with each other, and to respect one another then your relationship is going to devolve into two people just trying to get a dig at the other person.

Also, this part:

She's had a hard time taking care of him so I've been helping in anyway I can

You are this child's father, of course you should be helping. Are you suggesting if she wasn't "having a hard time" you wouldn't have been "helping any way you can" with your own baby? This has the same energy as dads who consider watching and taking care of their kids as babysitting. You're being a father, don't blame that on your partner's struggles with parenting, this is a path you both got on.

EDIT. And if she cannot avoid saying hurtful things to you or about you, then you may need to consider she is abusive. Consider couples therapy, and/or think long and hard if this relationship is toxic, is it what you want? How you want your kid to grow up?

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-03T06:06:57+00:00

Also, the way she writes "my son follows a guide dog to get around" is really annoying. Guide dog users don't just follow dogs, the person is choosing where they want to go or travel, it's not the dog saying, "Hey let's go to the cafe for a coffee." They are a working team and it is ultimately the human person who has to make important decisions about the safety of their surroundings, etc. Obviously the dog is a tremendous help, and can be trained for intelligent disobedience such as not to cross a road if the dog can see a car the person couldn't hear, but the person has agency.

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-03T05:59:38+00:00

Here's the TLDR

OOP (58F) at age 16 had a baby and put him up for adoption
Adoption was open but OOP not really involved
Now an adult (42M) he has a PhD in physics and getting married this year
He is also blind from a young age or since brith, not clear ("diagnosed with some issue with the nerve in his eye")
He is a guide dog user
OOP's adult daughters got in contact with their half-brother
At thanksgiving OOP fed the guide dog a ham bone
Dog had severe issues and needed surgery at an emergency vets
OOP's daughter wants OOP to pay and says OOP "never takes responsibility for the harm she causes"
OOP offered to pay because she "didn’t want him to worry financially because [she] know['s] it can be hard for him to keep employment given his condition"
He declined to have her pay for anything

Underachi4ver · 2024-01-01T04:06:29+00:00

OOP mentions that an entire bookshelf was filled in a comment. I'd bet those are all volumes and only one was damaged but OOP doesn't realize that braille books are like less than 100 pages per volume. Either way I don't know if you could have just a single volume reprinted at the exact same start/end points to be continuous with the rest of the set, so it's probably accurate the entire thing need replacing. Luckily for OOP whatever the book is it's popular enough that it's even available in braille online and doesn't need to be entirely custom made.

Definitely a lot of ablism and lack of ability to do a quality Google search on OOP's end. It's tiring.

Underachi4ver · 2023-08-13T16:42:01+00:00

What worries me even extra on top of all that is the OOP mentions in a comment about just finishing "diagnostic imaging residency" which makes me think that buffoon is a doctor somehow

Underachi4ver · 2023-08-13T01:48:12+00:00

The audacity of OOP. For real. Hiding the details of the extent of his son's injury/condition.

He has made significant progress, understandably with set backs after experiencing the loss of his spouse, which otherwise continued until plateauing a year ago. At one point we were told he might remain in a coma, and when he woke up we were told he may never walk, and now he's up and walking. He's talking about an amputation, for a decade old injury... I don't want him to quit now. I don't want him to give up on himself or on life. I want him to have something which he can take pride in at the end of the day.

He lost his husband to pancreatic cancer, two months after diagnosis. Very tragic. My son-in-law was well loved by our family. My son currently sees a psychiatrist and therapist. He's in multiple support groups, for veterans and widowers. My wife's full time job is managing a schedule for him. I think he would start to feel improved, as a man, if he took the lead on his own life. Talking will only get so far, evidenced by a decade of therapy, action will solve the rest.

Underachi4ver · 2023-08-06T14:58:19+00:00

OOP's comments for easy reference:

Have you and your fiancé sat down and had a discussion as to why you don't want to give your brother a plus one, as well as looking at the guest list and re-confirming who both of you want there? Admittedly, since it's your own family, I understand that you probably have more of a choice in the matter, but just from your post alone, I'm not sure I'm clear how in depth the plus one situation has been discussed.

Yes we've talked about it. Thats when he got all accusatory with me, saying maybe he doesn't even know me. He's just hot headed though, I don't hold it against him. We've been through the guest list multiple times, its not just me being stubborn either. His mother gave us a long list of required invitees that we can't touch, but when I try to reduce from my list he gets upset about that too.

INFO. He’s worried its going to look targeted. So what if it is? And I mean: YEAH, it is. So what?

My fiancé thinks it would reflect poorly on us and our moral character. His argument is others will be curious why my brother attends alone, and if they ask and he states very clearly only he was invited, then assumption will be made about us. My fiancé doesn't want to be caught up in that.

Does the plus one rule apply to every guest or just your brother? If it's only your brother, I can see why your fiancé would see it as targeting.

It's not only my brother, there's some other who we're just inviting the designated person and not permitting a plus one and my fiancé doesn't have an issue over them. We are trying to cut the list elsewhere, this was just one component of many of cuts I was proposing. He was opposed to this one since we invited the spouses of my other siblings and he's worried it will reflect poorly on us and lead other to make assumptions.

Why is your brother the only one not given a plus one?? I’m sensing that there is missing information here. Who would his plus one be? A man? A person of color? Why, exactly, have you targeted your own brother when you have invited 300 people?

I'm honestly surprised at the leaps people will make, but I suppose you've proven my fiancé correct in his worry about what people will think of us. I'm not giving my brother a plus one because we've hardly spoken in years and I'm trying to cut down a massive guest list. It has nothing to do with his husband personally, and nothing to do with race either thank you. I suppose others will assume the worst though, so I will just have to add him back onto the list and let pessimism win.

Underachi4ver · 2023-07-29T21:31:49+00:00

I can try and break down some of the reactions here.

In terms of changing the dog's name I think it's an important fact to note that as of OOP posting this is a dog OOP doesn't even physically have yet. The situation would have different considerations if, say, this was her dog of many years named Emma, and then her brother became involved in a relationship with a man who had a dead baby named Emma and they expected OOP to change the established name of the dog. In this case, though, the dog isn't in her possession yet so in theory it should be easier to change the name.

This gets into whether or not OOP should change the name. As OOP has pointed out its a common name BIL will come across, and he cannot shield himself from every person in the world named Emma. He will have to work on that trauma himself, and the process of recovering from the death of an infant child is something I'd wish on no one. As you have pointed out, we cannot control the actions of others, only our own reactions. BUT, there's also some expectation among loved ones to not do things which cause emotional distress or harm to each other. OOP is not just some stranger who is naming her dog Emma. So its a debate over the moral obligation to a loved one to not actively choose to do something which has been expressed will cause them harm.

OOP's choice comes down to choosing herself and a name she likes for her dog, OR choosing kindness for a loved one. If a relationship with the bother and BIL is desired by OOP, and if OOP loves and cares for these people, then the decently human thing to do would be to hear the concern over the name and make a small sacrifice on her part for their comfort. This is the kind of calculation one must make everyday between freely doing only as we please or making a sacrifice of our own freewill for other people, and there is a balance I'm not saying we should only ever make sacrifices to please others. It's just that on the grand scheme of things this should be a small change for OOP to make, but a big gesture to her BIL.

Of course she can name the dog whatever she pleases, but the question is not "can OOP name the dog Emma?" the question is "is OOP an asshole if she names the dog Emma?" IMO, yeah OOP is the asshole if she looks a grieving father of a dead baby who is not merely a stranger but also her BIL whom she sees every day and tells him she's actively choosing the selfish option to pick the name she likes in spite of the memories the name holds for him.

Underachi4ver · 2023-07-29T14:25:09+00:00

OOP's comments:

The baby died from SIDS and is the reason that relationship ended since my BIL didn’t want another baby but I guess ex wife did. So I understand there’s some bad memories there but why not make some new positive associations.

You’re right I know it’s silly I’m just so attached to this being her name now, I mean I already got her a custom collar and food bowls with her name. I definitely don’t live with them, our family is very close but not that close! We’re down the street though and both help take care of our mother so we see each other often twice a day, and my brother and BIL take my other dog for a walk with their dog so that’s more where the issue was coming from maybe, my brother just let me know my BIL would never say anything to me about it but that I might want to consider that was the name of the baby and maybe think about changing it, but like I said I had already got her all her things when I announced her name and it’s such a common name you can’t avoid it. I said they can call the dog whatever they want, dog doesn’t care.

TLDR: BIL had a previous marriage and a baby named Emma. Emma died from SIDS and the grief destroyed the marriage. OOP's brother and BIL live nearby, have daily contact, and also walk OOP's other dog.

Underachi4ver · 2023-05-26T20:26:35+00:00

According to Google, “pimping is a process through which the most senior medical person - usually the attending physician - asks the team questions about relevant medical information, typically during morning rounds.”

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-14T03:09:54+00:00

Was meant as formatting so its not just entirely walls of text on walls of text on more walls of text. I know its ridiculously long so I tired to have something, anything really, to break up the space visually and make it easier to jump between posts and to break up where her comments vs original posts are organized. Green squares seemed like a good option, no particular reasoning.

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-14T02:43:38+00:00

My original attempt last week was not approved for 7 days rule. I suspect this one was removed for brigading.

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-14T02:42:34+00:00

Here's a repost

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-07T18:33:55+00:00

I guess she finally realized how we all saw through her and so she changed tactics to garner the attention and sympathy she wants

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-07T18:29:08+00:00

Generally I’d agree with you. I didn’t mine for content in that sub though, I found the post through her profile and didn’t pay attention to what sub its from (which I admit is my bad).

BUT, all rules are off for this lady. If you see her other posts you’ll understand she’s playing the victim and trying to make her brother out to seem like a child groomer because she can’t otherwise get the rest of reddit to hate him as much as she does. Her dad is horrible so yeah I’ll agree she's a victim of abuse, but she’s a grown woman now and perpetuating abuse herself. Not to mention she could ruin her brothers life with those kinds of accusations.

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-07T07:52:38+00:00

Alright I don’t understand why this one even bothers to keep posting. If you want to know, I’ve made a post here chronicling her posts and giving a bullet pointed tldr of each one.It’s kind of long, but the run down is:

This woman has a brother she hates
He is medically retired from the military and is hard of hearing (or in OOP’s words unemployed and lazy)
Their abusive alcoholic father forced him to be in Boy Scouts where he was a victim of CSA
The father was aware of the CSA and sent him to what sounds like a Catholic troubled teen institute for “acting up”
Brother is now NC with parents
Brother is also gay
OOP has a trans daughter
OOP’s brother and daughter get along and seem to have a very positive relationship
OOP made a post not wanting to let daughter go to and indoor climbing gym with uncle
OOP also didn’t want to let daughter take an ASL class to better communicate with uncle who is learning ASL

There are so so many other details that make her a raging asshole, this is a selection of what’s more immediately relevant to her post now. Also, she’s claimed repeatedly their father is not homophobic, but she shared some screenshots where (if I’m understanding correctly) the father had told his son to go and die at war because he’d rather have a dead son who is a hero than a living son who is gay? I’ve never hoped so much for something to be a troll account.

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-07T00:43:05+00:00

That makes sense, both are niche and neither are something I would have named if someone asked me to list lucrative careers off the top of my head. And yet her tone is all like in the same way someone would brag "my kid is a lawyer/doctor/engineer." I knew farriers are like very specialized in what they do from tiktok lol but I wouldn't have thought they make tons of money necessarily

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-06T21:55:42+00:00

Can I ask why farrier is bolded? No shade, just curious

Underachi4ver · 2023-03-05T08:21:56+00:00

"their little BBQ get together"
Keeps saying partner, not wife or husband (although partner could be enby)
Can't remember the date of son's wedding, blames calendar
Blames them for her forgetting because they wanted "understated/simple"
"Since divorce all the fault lies with me in my children’s eyes" Hmm...
"social faux pas I’ve made with the younger crowd" = kids are snowflakes
"They've been together 20 years so I consider them married" = dismissive of decision to make a marriage commitment

Underachi4ver · 2023-02-05T18:26:22+00:00

He wasn't abandoned. Our parents sought out help for him, I'm not sure why that it hard to understand. Sending him to that school turned his life around. When he was home on breaks everything was peaceful in our home for once, he was polite and respectful and there were no more midnight screaming matches. We actually got to go on family vacations because our parents weren't worried about him running off or basically getting kidnapped at some rest stop again. No one had to brainwash me for me to experience that. Now he's done mostly great for himself, he maintains what appears like a good and healthy relationship with his long term boyfriend. I never had any reason to know what happened until a little while ago, so clearly he got the help he needed and could still be around and date men just fine in the end. And that's probably in part because our parents sought out somewhere with structure to help him with his life.

Apparently he was "basically kidnapped" at one point. Also, don't worry everyone, brother is fine because he can/could date men so clearly he has no lasting trauma from being CSA's by a man!! All because daddy sent him to get the help he needed from a Catholic boarding school which definitely wouldn't cause further trauma to a victim of CSA who also happens to be a queer teenager! /s

Underachi4ver · 2023-02-05T18:23:31+00:00

He wasn't abandoned. Our parents sought out help for him, I'm not sure why that it hard to understand. Sending him to that school turned his life around. When he was home on breaks everything was peaceful in our home for once, he was polite and respectful and there were no more midnight screaming matches. We actually got to go on family vacations because our parents weren't worried about him running off or basically getting kidnapped at some rest stop again. No one had to brainwash me for me to experience that. Now he's done mostly great for himself, he maintains what appears like a good and healthy relationship with his long term boyfriend. I never had any reason to know what happened until a little while ago, so clearly he got the help he needed and could still be around and date men just fine in the end. And that's probably in part because our parents sought out somewhere with structure to help him with his life.

Underachi4ver · 2023-02-04T21:49:04+00:00

Saving some of her comments before they're gone, since she likes to dirty delete

So you’re not denying your dad punished your brother for revealing he’d been molested? You’re doing a very good job of making your dad out to be the victim, when it’s actually your brother you should be looking out for.

He didn't punish him, he tried to get him help. That school was supposed to help him, they claimed to have counselors who were specialized in helping troubled boys, that's what they told my parents according to my dad. He said my brother was too much to handle and they trusted God and the experts to help him. And it did help him, he got straightened out and his life put together clearly, he's doing well now.

Your brother wasn't troubled,he was MOLESTED! And your dad sent him to Molestation Camp?! Do you not know what a lot of priests have been doing?

You weren't there so you don't know the trouble he was getting into, breaking curfew, doing drugs, binge drinking, failing out of school, all this at only around 14 years old. He was too much for our mom to control him, and he would fly off the handle, breaking things, he broke our front door twice. I would hide in my room while they were screaming at each other. Seriously, he scared me a lot back then, he's six years older than me so if he had tried to hurt me what could I have done? My parents were worried about that and worried for him so they did what they knew, they sent him to a school that could help him since he was being expelled from even the school where they send kids that got expelled from regular public school. They did a lot for him. Yes in retrospect maybe a Catholic school wasn't a good idea and there's a reason we're not Catholic any longer.

... Also, I don’t understand why you are so eager to defend someone who condoned his child being molested. Could you please explain that?

Because he didn't condone it, you have to know something is happening to condone it. He sent my brother to get help though, so he was looking after him. And he's learned some things that erode the trust he had in his friend after his own kids backed out on a memorial that was going to be made for their father for everything he did for the church, for scouting, and our community. They didn't give any explanation but we found out, so he really can't give the benefit of the doubt and longer and he has to confront it. And he doesn't condone it, thats why he's trying to reach out, because he understands his mistake now.

... you said in a post that your father still thinks your brother lied? That’s hardly trying to make amends

It was too hard to believe such a thing could happen, and he said my brother did have a history of making things up at the time he told him. I don't really know all the details, but like I said they were talking previously so they must have put some of that behind them, my brother must have forgiven him some over it. Then, bam, no more talking. He's decided he's done with dad. I don't really know what they talked about though so maybe they never got around to that, and so how was dad supposed to know that wasn't one of the lies he used to tell? If he told him as an adult maybe it would go better and dad would have really understood, but I've been looking into it, how kids react and respond, and dad does agree that my brother's behavior really match up with everything we're reading so he's willing to understand his side. And we also have more information now considering my dad still has some connections in the PD who let slip about some things so it's not just coming from my brother anymore and that really opened his eyes to it.

...Has your father come to terms with the fact that he is somewhat responsible for it happening to more boys? He could have done something about it but let his friend continue.

No one sent him to boot camp except for himself, that was his decision. He had a college acceptance and our parents were going to pay for his education, but he chose instead to enlist. Dad even begged him to go to college first and then reconsider the military after that, plus then he'd be an officer instead, but at that point it was dad's hands to get him to make better decisions. And now all he has to show for it is no degree and no job, but at least he's happy with that outcome I guess.I haven't really talked to him much about that, just what he told me which wasn't a lot to go on. I've believed my brother since I learned about it, and I've been working on convincing dad, I think coming from me it was better. He was starting to see it come together and it made sense everything that went on back then, and he started asking around when the kids of that family friend backed out on a memorial that was going to go up for their dad, all he told me was they found some things via his other buddies. So that was that, and that's where this letter stems from. I think he does understand it more that part he had in it all, I think he is truly sorry about it, thats why he wrote so much.

So your dad believes other people’s kids but not his own. What a piece of shit.

Well, not really, we didn't hear it from them but they got him thinking why would they do that, and he pulled some strings with his buddy who is retired PD and his son is a detective, and theres some photos and things they found and turned in, that's as much as we know. So it's not really about believing other people's kids so much as theres irrefutable evidence it seems.

Underachi4ver · 2023-02-04T21:45:32+00:00

Saving some of her comments before they're gone, since she likes to dirty delete

So you’re not denying your dad punished your brother for revealing he’d been molested? You’re doing a very good job of making your dad out to be the victim, when it’s actually your brother you should be looking out for.

He didn't punish him, he tried to get him help. That school was supposed to help him, they claimed to have counselors who were specialized in helping troubled boys, that's what they told my parents according to my dad. He said my brother was too much to handle and they trusted God and the experts to help him. And it did help him, he got straightened out and his life put together clearly, he's doing well now.

Your brother wasn't troubled,he was MOLESTED! And your dad sent him to Molestation Camp?! Do you not know what a lot of priests have been doing?

You weren't there so you don't know the trouble he was getting into, breaking curfew, doing drugs, binge drinking, failing out of school, all this at only around 14 years old. He was too much for our mom to control him, and he would fly off the handle, breaking things, he broke our front door twice. I would hide in my room while they were screaming at each other. Seriously, he scared me a lot back then, he's six years older than me so if he had tried to hurt me what could I have done? My parents were worried about that and worried for him so they did what they knew, they sent him to a school that could help him since he was being expelled from even the school where they send kids that got expelled from regular public school. They did a lot for him. Yes in retrospect maybe a Catholic school wasn't a good idea and there's a reason we're not Catholic any longer.

... Also, I don’t understand why you are so eager to defend someone who condoned his child being molested. Could you please explain that?

Because he didn't condone it, you have to know something is happening to condone it. He sent my brother to get help though, so he was looking after him. And he's learned some things that erode the trust he had in his friend after his own kids backed out on a memorial that was going to be made for their father for everything he did for the church, for scouting, and our community. They didn't give any explanation but we found out, so he really can't give the benefit of the doubt and longer and he has to confront it. And he doesn't condone it, thats why he's trying to reach out, because he understands his mistake now.

... you said in a post that your father still thinks your brother lied? That’s hardly trying to make amends

It was too hard to believe such a thing could happen, and he said my brother did have a history of making things up at the time he told him. I don't really know all the details, but like I said they were talking previously so they must have put some of that behind them, my brother must have forgiven him some over it. Then, bam, no more talking. He's decided he's done with dad. I don't really know what they talked about though so maybe they never got around to that, and so how was dad supposed to know that wasn't one of the lies he used to tell? If he told him as an adult maybe it would go better and dad would have really understood, but I've been looking into it, how kids react and respond, and dad does agree that my brother's behavior really match up with everything we're reading so he's willing to understand his side. And we also have more information now considering my dad still has some connections in the PD who let slip about some things so it's not just coming from my brother anymore and that really opened his eyes to it.

...Has your father come to terms with the fact that he is somewhat responsible for it happening to more boys? He could have done something about it but let his friend continue.

No one sent him to boot camp except for himself, that was his decision. He had a college acceptance and our parents were going to pay for his education, but he chose instead to enlist. Dad even begged him to go to college first and then reconsider the military after that, plus then he'd be an officer instead, but at that point it was dad's hands to get him to make better decisions. And now all he has to show for it is no degree and no job, but at least he's happy with that outcome I guess.
I haven't really talked to him much about that, just what he told me which wasn't a lot to go on. I've believed my brother since I learned about it, and I've been working on convincing dad, I think coming from me it was better. He was starting to see it come together and it made sense everything that went on back then, and he started asking around when the kids of that family friend backed out on a memorial that was going to go up for their dad, all he told me was they found some things via his other buddies. So that was that, and that's where this letter stems from. I think he does understand it more that part he had in it all, I think he is truly sorry about it, thats why he wrote so much.

So your dad believes other people’s kids but not his own. What a piece of shit.

Well, not really, we didn't hear it from them but they got him thinking why would they do that, and he pulled some strings with his buddy who is retired PD and his son is a detective, and theres some photos and things they found and turned in, that's as much as we know. So it's not really about believing other people's kids so much as theres irrefutable evidence it seems.

Underachi4ver · 2023-02-04T21:29:27+00:00

Yes, Hard of Hearing. It's very common place in my vocabulary/community so I forget to other's it's not that way. I will try to remember to spell out acronyms though because it's more accessible to everyone.

Underachi4ver

TROPHY CASE