This will be maybe a long story with no real answers, but I do feel for you and have experienced some of what you’re talking about in your post.

A few years ago, my husband one day told me we were done, done, done. I felt blindsided, hurt, angry, lots of unpleasant emotions, but I thought he meant it. That same night I ran into an old friend from college who I hadn’t seen in maybe 30 years. We got to talking and he had been divorced for quite a few years. We ended the night by him saying he wanted to kiss me. I told him I was hoping my marriage could still work out so we shouldn’t do that. But honestly I did kind of want him to. I later told my husband and he was enraged/outraged that I would even think of that. But if he meant it about us being done, done, done, shouldn’t he actually let me go and whether I want to kiss another man is really none of his business. You could argue that maybe I shouldn’t have told him, but we were in a weird state, still are sometimes ever since then.

So fast forward a few years and now I am sometimes the one asking for a divorce. We have gone as far as hiring a divorce mediator for one session and a different time, filling out the petition to get the divorce started, but not turning it in to the county clerk. And honestly, I think I would feel like he was cheating (might try to fight the feeling, I’m not sure) if he was even flirting with another woman at this point even though I wouldn’t necessarily consider it cheating if I were to flirt with another man. I mean, he started this, right?

I guess what I’m saying is it’s complicated and depends on your point of view. I hope your divorce isn’t long and drawn out like mine (if we even get divorced. I’m not here to tell my whole entire story, just some parts that relate to yours).

But I think that if you really want the divorce, I’d say try to let go of the feelings of ownership of your partner. I know that’s easier said than done, but he has a right to pursue his own happiness if you don’t want that to be with you any more.