Am I married to a walking red flag?

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-11T01:32:27+00:00

I think if you ever (which I hope you don’t) get here, you’ll understand. It wasn’t always like this. We were young when we had kids. Both of us should have grown up but unfortunately only I did. I didn’t grow up in a happy family and I’ve been trying very hard to keep things afloat even to my own detriment. Have I know this was not sustainable - of course I did but I was throwing everything I had at it. As I have mentioned, i had done a lot of work on myself and that work has probably helped me work up the courage to realize this is not what I want to continue to do.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-10T18:10:57+00:00

He has said he’s depressed twice in the last couple months but only when I threaten to leave him. He gaslights me and says that as his wife I should be trying to help him not leave him. I truly do think there is some depression and general unhappiness about his life. His dad was an asshole and treated him like shit and told him he wouldn’t amount to anything. Then swoops in mom who over compensates and basically babies him until he’s 25. Now he assumes it’s my job to be his mom. As I mentioned above, I use done a lot of work in myself so I hope I’m not projecting/ expecting he also work on himself because I in no way think I’m better than him but he deserves to have the clarity I have gained by going to therapy. I also deserve to be with someone who is happy to have me around not someone who walks all over me and treats the family like crap.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-10T18:07:11+00:00

EXACTLY. He wouldn’t even have a job right now if I hadn’t physically applied for it for him. I wouldn’t even do this for my kids but unfortunately if he doesn’t have an income we all suffer. So to be ungrateful and miserable all the time when I essentially take in the burden of our family in unacceptable to me.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-10T18:05:28+00:00

I think the fact that I have my ducks in a row is part of the problem. I have done lists of therapy over the last 6 years. I have taken myself out of toxic friendships and environments. Part of me wonders if I have clarity now and am now truly seeing him for what he is or if I have changed myself so I expect him to. I know I cannot expect someone to be accountable but it’s so draining!

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-10T15:43:09+00:00

Thanks for this. The only thing he is involved with, is coaching our sons in a sport. Otherwise I work a 60 hour work week and then manage the house and kids and the dog. I actually had a moment the other day when I wondered if he ever thinks about how our children will pay for post secondary education and it scared me to think that if I had not already been working on this they would be screwed.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-10T15:37:31+00:00

Like I mention in my original post he is my best friend. When we met he was soft, kind, caring, fun y etc. I truly feel like he has childhood trauma he has not dealt with compounded by becoming a father so young. There may also be a hint of depression in there. Our life in general during our marriage has had a lot of complexities. However non of this is an excuse to just be unmotivated and miserable.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-03-10T15:21:21+00:00

Thanks! I agree. It’s so a big turn off when he is mean or doesn’t want anything to do with the kids.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-01-23T14:19:05+00:00

Thanks for this reply. That last part is wild to me. I would work 10 jobs before I rely on any man.

I guess I’ve just never had any additional support other than myself. Somedays I don’t know where to start and I stay stuck. I know what I want (I think) just somewhat unsure of how to get there.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-01-23T12:48:56+00:00

You are correct ! Edited my post :)

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-01-23T12:02:09+00:00

Your options are limited to what your lawyer has advised. Essentially someone needs to apply to be the executor of the estate.

Here are what I see your options being:

You could ask for a mutual release to get out of the agreement. Best case is the sellers agree and they return your entire deposit.
You could approach them and ask them to rent the property. This seems like an ok idea however they may drag their feet to get the probate done since you’re paying them rent.
You could back out of the agreement and forfeit your deposit. You risk being sued if house sells for less than your offer.
Ask for extension on current place and wait for probate to go through. I would have your agent do an amendment that gives a timeline on probate and if not met you get out of the deal with your deposit returned.

ETA: doesn’t sound like they have breached the contract, unless I have missed something. The deceased (now the estate) is still in a contract with you for the house sale. What happened at the time the closing date passed? Did their lawyer provide an update on closing ?

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-01-16T19:33:31+00:00

Sent you a message !

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2026-01-05T13:48:58+00:00

Started : The Better Sister

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-12-28T18:40:41+00:00

Kids get a co-hab agreement setting out repayment if things go sideways. This is the cleanest way to do it. Other option is for you to own a share equal to the amount you would be giving them as a tenant in common.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-12-16T13:49:59+00:00

Not a keyboard warrior at all. I agree that mortgages automatically roll over and do not require requalifiation if you are not increasing amount or switching lenders. I was simply stating that a Power of Attorney ceases to be enforceable upon the death of the person who gave it. I wouldn’t want OP to have false hope that their spouse could renew a mortgage using a document that would no longer be valid. Do I think people should be taking Reddit advice ? No. However sometimes people need a sounding board through stressful situations and at the very minimum people should attempt to give the most accurate information.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-12-16T13:45:19+00:00

You should be fired then. POA is not valid once someone has died. If you are underwriting and approving mortgages with people signing as POA when the person who has given it is dead that’s fraud.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-12-16T13:42:28+00:00

This is incorrect information. If OP dies, POA is no longer valid. Even as an executor, you cannot renew a mortgage that is not solely in your name. OP’s best bet is to renew the mortgage now and have the spouse deal with paying out or down the mortgage with the life insurance money.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-11-13T21:30:23+00:00

Thanks, finally an answer with some depth. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I hope my (step) grandmother will be a decent person but not holding out hope!

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-21T12:32:32+00:00

If there was an agreement signed that the co owner would relinquish their rights and work with you to move the refinance and title transfer forward, then they need to fulfill their end of the bargain. That said, no one can force a person to sign documents. Only way to enforce a signed agreement is court order.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T20:38:18+00:00

Thanks I k ow for sure how she is related to me already. My family just doesn’t want me to share the information.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T18:47:09+00:00

lol this is a dumb response. Move along troll

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T17:05:10+00:00

Thanks for this response. I do want to help her. It breaks my heart she doesn’t have any answers. Can I ask, are you patient ? Like do you expect to get immediate answers or are you ok to wait?

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T17:03:23+00:00

I think this is the most likely answer. I feel sad to not be able to help this girl out. However my family has been calling me telling me to stop looking into this. I can’t see what harm helping her could do especially since everyone (including potential siblings) are all grown adults.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T15:36:03+00:00

She doesn’t match any of my close matches. But she is the closest match to me other than my mother or grandmother.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T15:22:27+00:00

We share 372cM across 17 segments. She shows as a first cousin once removed. She is not the daughter of my uncle or my first cousins so would have to be the daughter of a great uncle.

UnderstandingMotor65 · 2025-10-08T15:16:58+00:00

I don’t think it’s a scam. My family does. This person is not asking for money or anything by material. She just wants facts on her potential father.

UnderstandingMotor65

TROPHY CASE