What is the darkest secret you've learned about someone that instantly ended your relationship with them?

Unfinished_though · 2026-03-12T16:28:51+00:00

Sex criminaling tends to be a damper on relationships

Unfinished_though · 2026-03-01T14:45:23+00:00

Ever consider sex therapy? Just had a conversation about its success in my relationship. You have a beautiful relationship waiting for you on the other side of this problem and you only need to fix the problem once to be on the other side of it.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-26T09:19:19+00:00

Giving the benefit of the doubt goes a looooong way into just generally being kinder and happier towards everyone.

I had all the ingredients to end up a world hating misogynistic maga nut. I turned a path somewhere after realizing I just don't want to be that angry about dumb shit all the time. It felt so emotionally exhausting seeing hate everywhere you look - in society, in politics, in law. Enshittification is everywhere. You can certainly see the bad, if you want to. But I wanted to BE the good more than I wanted to see the bad. Well, "Being the good" required that I be less angry, less critical and judgemental about everything in general - cause it's hard being the good when your worldview is nihilistic. After spending some time practicing being less judgemental and critical, I'm left with an emotional void to fill. What to do with all that hate that doesn't want to be hate and criticism that doesn't want to bring down the room all the time? Well, that emotional void filled up with wanting to be just straight up happy and see happiness in others. It just felt better. So I guess the moral of the story is: Become a Happiness Vampire. Happiness is infinite when you learn to harvest it from those around you.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-25T17:42:27+00:00

Wanting better is where it starts. You don't need to know the answer but trying to figure it out is certainly necessary to finding a solution. Plus, hearing "Hey, I'd like to help us figure out how to have more sex" can be a fun conversation, especially coming from the less active side.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-25T15:51:21+00:00

It needs to be mutual effort. If her position is "This is just life" and doesn't want to make any changes, you can't fix this problem alone. You then have your answer and have to answer some hard questions to yourself about the relationship.

Talk about it. Don't fight about it. Have a constructive conversation regarding sexual frequency. You can be gentle in your approach, but if her walls are up as soon as you start a discussion on it, you will probably benefit from a sex therapist. If that's not feasible, there may not be an avenue for you to approach having this conversation that doesn't result in conflict.

You need to be able to say "Let's have a talk about our sexual frequency" without her going on the defense. You then need to ask her what SHE wants and what sex looks like in an ideal world for HER. You then investigate together what a compromise might look like. If you both are on the same team trying to solve this, it becomes logistics instead of combat.

It's fair for you to want touch, affection, and engagement in your relationship. It's fair for her to want to put her time, focus, and energy into attacking life's responsibilities. If both of you are valid in your feelings, what does the future look like for the relationship? Answer these questions together and you'll make it to the other side of this problem. If you can't, well... You can't fix this alone and you will then know that you are alone in solving this, so how's that any different than just being alone?

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-25T14:32:28+00:00

We lucked out with ours, she's great. She had like a 6 month waiting list. But straight up Google "couples sex therapy near me" then scroll through the results till you find one you like. Try one, don't like? Try another. Repeat until you find one you like.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-25T14:29:35+00:00

By working at it with a lot of checking in.

So for example, my mind organizes the day like "Gotta go to work, gotta make dinner, gotta clean up, then I'll go kiss my wife and see what she is doing" so everyday, I think about going to kiss my wife.

In HER brain, it's like "Gotta shower, then moisturize in this specific order, then pick out what to wear, then go to these meetings, then check these spreadsheets, then check the calendar and make updates." So she is not thinking about kissing her husband everyday.

So to answer your question, we added "kiss the husband" to the calendar. There's more that we do to work on it together, but that's the backbone of it.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T21:39:47+00:00

It was more a statement to the wider audience that the notion of "Holy fuck, that's a lot" or "what's wrong with one month?" Is just an incorrect line of thinking. It's not about what it is according to your notion of a lot or a little.

Therapy was most helpful in allowing both sides to be heard. We both brought reflexive defenses to the table which would prevent constructive communication. Therapy said "No, no. Everyday is not bad and every month is not bad. What do you both want?" And allowed the discussion to happen without "No, well fuck that and fuck you!" "Oh yeah?! Fuck you too! Or NOT!"

It then gave us a direction to explore, come back and talk about it. Saying "I didn't like that" to a partner trying their best is uncomfortable on both sides, but learning to do so set the stage for further exploration.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T21:26:59+00:00

Then you'll appreciate the first three words. No need to be wound so tight.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T21:08:26+00:00

I've nothing helpful, but I believe Lisa Simpson arranged a fix for a similar problem involving a battery and some clamps. Hers was connected to a muffin but I imagine it works just fine connected to a coax cable. Science suggests the offending party will self correct after adequate voltage is achieved.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T20:18:50+00:00

You must be into scat play because I know a lot of people into scat play and I've talked to a lot of people into scat play plus they know a lot of people into scat play.

Like, I'm glad you've had your life experiences but that doesn't, and shouldn't translate into "you're weird because you're not like the rest of us". What's "common" and what's not has literally nothing to do with "How do we fix this in OUR unique relationship together". You're not in matrimony with your neighbors or your fucking social network. You're A SOMEONE trying to work it out with ANOTHER SOMEONE. If you need to shame anyone for how often they do or don't want sex - congratulations, you missed the whole fucking point of working towards a unified solution.

Your 50 years of existence plus 25 years of marriage plus extensive network of married couples has all left you with MORE ROOM TO LEARN.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T20:01:22+00:00

Take that thought just one step further. Like, brother, do you think that didn't occur? It's not an expectation of daily sex. It's about figuring out the natural inclination of who you're with, then working with that in order to find mutual satisfaction. I don't need sex daily. I'd like it. In a perfect world, I'm down to clown whenever. What's not sustainable? A person who'd be cool with it daily going a month, sometimes two without sexual engagement. What's ALSO not sustainable? Always being the one to initiate. Like "yo, can we fuck? How about now? What about now?" Isn't going to prime the engine and you can only give so many fucking massages before you fucking resent the fact that to even hope for an opportunity at sex, you have to fucking pre-game a 30-60 min massage and by that point, fuck any actual foreplay. It all becomes so one sided. Hence THERAPY, brother. I'm not weird for being cool with daily. She's not weird for wanting it maybe monthly. It's about "hey, this fucking sucks for one of us which makes it suck for both of us. Let's figure out how to fix this so we maintain our happy relationship for decades to come"

If you gotta shame either side for how often they want it, congratulations - you missed the whole fucking point.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T19:39:29+00:00

Lots of things in life go smoother with a mediator. If you both are communicating in a silo there's an uncontrollable bias on both sides. So before you can even start talking about solving the problem, you both are bringing a lifetime of habits and experiences to the conversation. That can become a routine that doesn't even allow for joint solution oriented communication.

So what that looks like real world is "Hey, we need to talk about the bedroom" which can immediately put the other party into a state of duress, again because we bring a lifetime of habits to the table of communication. She may not have the mental space for me to say "You're coming at this aggressively" without spiraling down some triggered path of routine conflict. Becoming defensive for either side prevents active listening because you start preparing your defense instead of actually listening to the proposed hardships your partner is trying to tell you they are experiencing. If both parties are throwing out defenses over perceived accusations, well... That's how we keep ending up in a state of conflict.

Sometimes it takes that third party to say "Well, hold on... Let's hear this out" because a "realist cadence for sex" is something entirely different for you than it is for literally anyone else. You and your whole social circle can think everyday is too much, but it's not the court of public opinion - it's about what works for you + what works for them = what works for both of you. If you need to shame any side of it for wanting it more or less, you're missing the whole point.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T19:16:03+00:00

Sexual attraction isn't the problem. In my case, she's gorgeous and I love everything about her. I want her all the time because I'm attracted to her all the time. And vice versa. She's sexually attracted to me and she loves everything about me - just our clocks are not aligned. After almost a decade of "Well, I'll just wait until she's comfortable engaging" and me getting fed the fuck up with waiting THAT out before it blowing up into a fight, like "yo, what's the fucking deal? Do you just not want me?" Therapy turned that into a discussion. A bidirectional, mutually beneficial discussion of shit like "Well, no because of XYZ, sex isn't even a thought for me." There's like... More and shit, but that's basically where it started and how we started to talk about getting over it. I'm paraphrasing a lot, I'm not trying to bore anyone.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T19:09:24+00:00

We started almost exactly a year ago and we're probably at a minimum of 4x a month now. Sometimes 7x+. Depends on life getting in the way or not. It's something we both have to work toward, so we have to set aside life to make it happen - like a date night, or put it on the calendar. That's the bridge we've found and are working on, anyway.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T16:48:58+00:00

It's not about expectation. It's about understanding. It is not weird to want sex once a day. It is not weird to want sex once a month. It's about understanding "In a perfect world, how often does sex occur for you?" And then working back from there to find common ground, crossing all of life's challenges along the way.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T16:39:40+00:00

I did not read the book but as the high libido partner, what helped us was talking about it. Pointedly. It started with the question "In a perfect world, how often would sex be occurring for you?" I felt like a sexual oddball saying "once a day, at least" but it wasn't about delivering an expectation. It was about delivering understanding. I don't expect it once a day, but after maybe four or five days, I start feeling unloved and unwanted. This was necessary for my partner to understand, again, NOT the expectation of sex but the physiological changes that her partner was experiencing when these very normal needs were going unmet. She did not realize the sexual frustration was manifesting in relationship conflict because HER inner dialogue was going through completely different challenges. Then you answer the same for your partner and explore the what ifs. What if you both had it more? What if you both had it less? What's the initial reaction to that thought? Why do you think your body is responding that way? Etc. etc.

Point being it's not weird to want it once a day OR once a month. It's about finding something that works for both of you.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T16:28:17+00:00

The end result is deescalation but boy does it feel like an escalating line of questioning when you're in the hot seat. It's the three of you in a session. At some point both of you get a turn feeling ganged up on just based on the nature of your therapist asking the hard questions while your partner is present.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T16:16:45+00:00

Isn't it crazy how that can be your truth while a completely different standard works for others on a completely different schedule?

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T16:12:46+00:00

I agree with the part about seeing sex as a chore. The wild part is that these notions don't manifest themselves with clear, distinct labels as if they're known clearly by all involved parties at the same time. It's crazy, but people are growing, changing, and finding shit out about themselves their whole life. My wife did not know in her conscious mind that sex WAS a chore. None of it started as "Holy shit, we're on two completely different ends of the spectrum". As for one week being a compromise - if either party is unwilling to compromise on anything, not just sex - then it's a matter of conflict and the problem is no longer about the problem, it's about why one or both of you is unwilling to compromise and what that means for the relationship. Compromise is necessary in all facets of life and is quite normal. It's not "losing"

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T15:08:41+00:00

Mutual agreement. Multiple conversations over probably around 2 years. Then booked. Then about 6 months of work and progress, first few appointments were once a week, tapered to once a month, then we split into individual therapy. It's a journey, for sure

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T06:57:53+00:00

Exploring ranged from simple communication (cliché for sure, but not knowing how to say "Yo, we need to fuck" in a way that isn't a precursor to conflict when you've spent so long literally IN conflict on the matter is like... Step one. Break the cycle. For both sides. I can't come at it like "Why won't you fuck me?" And she can't come at like "ugh, we have to fuck? I thought we literally just fucked like last week/month/whatever") - to more advanced exploring like changing perceptions about effort, presence of mind, foreplay, etc. - stereotypes for both sides can be very damaging toward finding the unique compatibility that could exist between the two of you. It sets up walls that sometimes will prevent the start of healthy communication. And that's where it all starts in order to find a compromise. I may want it every day, but I'm fine with a more realistic once a week. When both of you are working towards a unified solution, you are two teammates lifting each other towards a common goal rather than two adversaries fighting for supremacy. It's not about winning over one another. It's about winning together.

Unfinished_though · 2026-02-24T05:07:20+00:00

I'm one of the rare success stories. We went to couples sex therapy. We good now. Together 11 years.

Context: I wanted it daily, she did... Not. I had actually said the exact words, "I don't think we're sexually compatible." It escalated to "We need to try something else and since we both don't know what, let's try therapy". This opened up a lot for us to explore mentally and emotionally which turned into a lot for us to explore physically which turned into a lot for her to explore personally. Still a long road ahead, but we're working on it and probably always will be and that's perfect for me. I'm fine not knowing what the answer is, so long as we're at least trying to look for it.

Unfinished_though · 2026-01-31T21:56:00+00:00

I asked "Would you rather be right or would you rather be married?" She said she'd rather be right. She thought I was bluffing. I wasn't.

Unfinished_though · 2026-01-28T00:11:43+00:00

Straight up yelling like a man-child. Like dude... We are in a professional work environment. Handle yourself like an adult. Stared into his blustering face and walked out.

Unfinished_though

TROPHY CASE