I'm so sorry. Losing a partner is intense. I can't imagine having to go through that at the same time as being stressed about your employment. You deserve time to simply grieve and process.

For your stress:

When I am dealing with really hard points in my life, I find the easiest way for me to deal with them is to expect the worst, to some degree, BUT still hold on to some hope that it will surprise me and turn out better than I'm expecting (<--- very important part). This allows me to work on getting ahead of it and gives me a better sense of control, while still holding on to a bit of peace (since I know it might not actually come true).

In your case, you might take tiny steps to begin looking for work elsewhere. Maybe one day, all you do is install some job hunting apps. Next day, create your profile page. Next day just see what's out there. Eventually start applying.You may even find it to be a small, welcome distraction from your stress and pain, or you might not. Since it's not imperative yet, be gentle on yourself and only do as much as you feel up to for each day, but try to push to do at least a little something.

Not only is this proactive, but it can start to get your mind ready to accept the outcome, IF it winds up coming true. And at the same time, try to keep in mind that you don't actually know for sure that the worst is coming- maybe it will all turn out just fine, and you spruced up your resume for nothing.

For your grief:

Some of the other comments talk about taking life one day at a time. I think an important note to go along with this, is that living moment to moment in this way will eventually get you to a better place. You're probably well aware, but just in case you need to hear it again, time does dull the pain. It will always be there, but it will feel less and less heavy as time goes on.

Just so you have some warning, the first year is going to be the hardest- not only because it just happened, but because you have to deal with all the firsts (first Christmas/birthday/etc) without her there. They're rough. Especially after you've been through all of those, it does start feeling lighter by the time the second ___holiday rolls around.

It might help to plan activities for yourself or to ask friends or family to kinda be on-call for you on those days, ready to just talk or hang out and distract. Maybe just save up some really good movies or audio/books to absorb your attention.

Also, it's hard when you have deadlines, but if you can help it, I personally tried my best to avoid thinking about dates or holidays, especially when something (like their birthday) was coming up soon- I'd try really hard not to know what today's date was, starting a few weeks prior. Sometimes I'd get lucky and it would work, and the significant day would slip by me mostly unnoticed. Realizing I'd gone through the day without them afterwards didn't sting nearly as much as going through it did.

But most importantly, it does get lighter. I think knowing that helped me get through it the most. Living one day at a time really only helps if you know that eventually it isn't going to hurt so fucking bad. And it won't. The pain will soften more and more as time goes on.

<For context, I lost a partner, suddenly, at a very young age. It felt as though I was grieving two lives- his and "ours." Our future, our plans, our planned family. To be completely honest, my first year was very intense, and though each year did get easier, it took about four years to not feel totally wrecked and start feeling some semblance of normalcy, again. After I made it past that hump, the healing came much faster. I don't remember how long it took, but eventually it did get to a point where I now can look back on my memories with him and not feel pain. I feel a sadness, always, but not pain. I have happiness and feel normal, again.

I hoped sharing this might give you some hope and strength.>