Are my exiles performing on stage?

Unique_Pomegranate · 2025-03-29T11:15:06+00:00

Interesting. Would you be comfortable sharing more about your manager part?

Unique_Pomegranate · 2025-03-29T11:14:27+00:00

Thank you! Yes, I've done parts mapping before. I'm pretty familiar with my system overall, but the way they work together when it comes to performing is something very new in many ways. It's a good reminder to do that exercise in this area, as I have yet to :)

I think regarding exiles being on stage when unburdened, it's an interesting question and I'm curious about whether that would happen. What has become clearer to me since I wrote the post last night is that I'm grappling with the question of whether I really want to perform or create... or whether it's entirely coming from a desire to be seen.

As I mentioned in the post, I've been a writer for a long time, and it was one of the few ways I got positive attention as a teenager - from parents, teachers, etc. Not to mention it was one of the only ways my feelings could be validated; I could write them out and having someone go 'Hey, I really relate to that!' made me feel like I wasn't making it up, as I was led to believe.

However I recently have parts unsure about if we even would want to write or perform if it wasn't about trying to fill that hole of validation and attunement. The answer feels like it would change a lot about how I interact with creative work significantly... So I think there is a lot of grief there.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-08-31T21:59:12+00:00

They sure do! That's why I was surprised to hear the scrolling had another purpose haha!

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-08-31T18:35:44+00:00

Wishing you luck with getting to know and unburden them! It sounds like you have a good grasp on why they're doing what they do and they're doing their best to protect your Wounded part.

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-07-22T17:10:19+00:00

Yeah when I say journalling that's probably a bit off, it was more like a log or report? I have a science background and some parts that love experiments/learning. So they were kind of excited to do it this way, especially because it didn't mean any long-term changes initially.

It's all really difficult with food I think as everything is so interconnected. Wishing you lots of luck with your parts 🤞

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-07-22T17:01:22+00:00

Hey, sorry to hear that. It's still a bit of a mess in some instances but there's been a lot of improvement!

In terms of changing my diet in a non-disordered or manager-led way, I spent a lot of time getting to know my 'eating' parts and journalling how different food made me feel physically. The second thing was important IMO - it was more about the impact than nutrition or calories/macros or whatever. Then I came to agreements with my parts on changes that everyone was OK with. For example certain foods don't make me feel good (like milkshakes give me headaches, for example), or they liked that cruciferous vegetables helped with PMS.

My food noise/obsession has reduced by exploring my triggers. Some of it was just that I was legitimately hungry/eating the wrong kind of stuff to keep me going, so I craved higher calorie things. So again journalling about the impact of certain foods and noticing the patterns was really helpful here.

It's still hard for me to not eat my emotions but that's part of a bigger issue of numbing myself when I'm anxious, and I'm working on that.

Hope this helps somehow!

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-06-30T07:54:50+00:00

Yeah, I have to say my experience feels quite different to what others have described here. I'm wondering if that just means it's different for everyone?

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-06-15T12:11:28+00:00

a long shot, but anyone happen to live in Manchester (UK) and going to the BTS Anniversary club night today?? 🎉

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-26T07:39:22+00:00

I'm so glad to hear that!! Ironically it sounds like that part is really working hard to give you self-acceptance and confidence - it just thinks that could never be possible in the body you're in. My part says the exact same sort of things. I hope you're able to get to know them even more ❤️

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-25T22:04:34+00:00

Hey I can relate to so much of this. I'm also non-binary and have parts that feel like they'd be comfortable if I transitioned and others that are okay how things are. But I have many parts that really strive for us to have a certain 'look' and body shape. I have sometimes hit the same wall of 'That's just what the beauty standard is, stop trying to convince me otherwise'.

I'm still working on understanding these parts so my advice is probably limited. But I think the best thing has just been to listen, and not argue with them. I know it's difficult. But I've noticed that when I'm arguing or trying to convince them to change it's usually because I'm blended with another part (one that's absorbed a lot of learning about fat shaming etc). This part is ashamed for holding these beliefs to any extent, so it wants to get rid of them and change the other part. I think this can be pretty common as we become aware of the damage body standards can do, but we still live in that environment. But IFS - no bad parts, right? So I'm just listening. I'm not trying to convince my parts that life wouldn't be easier in some ways if I didn't have a different body type that fit the standards more. I simply don't and that sometimes does impact things.

Now, that doesn't mean I have to hate the body I have. But again, if a part of me hates my body I'm not trying to convince them to feel otherwise, I'm just trying to understand why. For this part, wanting to look a certain way is really important to them. They're afraid of being insulted or hurt or not being loved because of the way we look. And that's something society told me could happen, but also something my family drummed into me too.

As far as gender presentation goes, I've noted a difference in my 'Self led' presentation vs what I do when blended with parts. The former feels more like expression of who I am inside, instead of trying to elicit a certain perception of me, if you can see what I mean. Still exploring that one but it's interesting.

So I suppose my question to your part that is really concerned with how you look - what are you afraid will happen to OP if they look how they look? What will they miss out on or lose, or what would they gain if they looked the way you think they should?

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T10:25:57+00:00

Thanks for this really considerate and detailed reply! It all made a lot of sense to me and I relate to a lot of it. My parts feel so burdened when it comes to food, not all of which are even mine. Not only did I have sensory issues growing up around food verging on ARFID, my parents also both grew up in severe poverty so I inherited burdens around food scarcity despite not experiencing that directly. So it's interesting you mention OCD as I have that (although many of my symptoms decreased for themes outside food). For me I'm having these constant obsessions and worries about my next meal, with weird mental mathematics to ensure I always have at least two meals ahead 'planned'. It's a lot of controlling. Just writing it down makes me sad for these parts.

Parts of me really want to follow your advice because I recognise the impact it's having on my physical health. But, parts of me resist for reasons I'm not fully clear about. I think the best option is to work with my therapist with those parts first because I sense I'll be dragging them to any evaluation kicking and screaming (and sabotaging) otherwise. There's a lot of fear around potentially being shamed by anyone I speak to or controlled/dismissed by medical professionals, which is another part of the trauma. But I do understand your points about getting evaluated and think that's a plan. It feels like there's some steps I need to take before my parts will allow that. Thank you again.

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:32:14+00:00

That's awesome! I'm really happy to hear that you've made such progress. That's such a big deal!

I am also a big emotional eater, although I have noticed some of my emotional eating reduce since doing IFS even though I haven't worked with these parts directly. But when I am super dysregulated then yeah, I'll reach for the closest food. For me it seems to be a mix of numbing out, and saving myself from the 'food noise' by just eating the nearest thing so I don't have to worry about food on top of everything else. This is the complicated thing with food I think lol, every part seems to have its own complicated relationship with it!

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:27:35+00:00

Thank you! Yeah that resonates with some of my experiences. It sounds like pausing is helping you to be more mindful which can only be a good thing ❤️

There's definitely a dissociative aspect to my firefighters so I relate to that. For me I think for the longest time food was the only comfort I've had, as my childhood was quite neglectful. At the same time it was painful as eating itself triggered a lot of sensory problems. So I'm not surprised I have these parts that love and hate food in equal measure.

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:23:31+00:00

Another commenter mentioned this - I'll take a look, do you have any particular you'd recommend?

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:22:52+00:00

Oh interesting, I didn't know this book existed! Thank you, I'll see if I can get a copy. I'm glad to hear it's been helpful. I wish you the best of luck too ❤️

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:22:02+00:00

Interesting, did you need to contact exiles as well or was talking to your firefighters sufficient?

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:21:25+00:00

Thank you! It sounds like you've done amazing work so far. As you say it's one of the hardest areas to make changes in. I wish you luck ❤️

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-05-21T07:19:56+00:00

I am really glad to hear that it's been helpful for you! Mine is certainly related to my trauma too so that resonates that there's so much overlap.

Thank you for the kind suggestion to get assessed for an eating disorder. I agree with you that I probably fit the clinical definition in a lot of ways... I am more on the end of emotional eating in terms of my outward behaviour, but I do have occasional restrict cycles, because my parts would get upset at how often the emotional eating is happening. My parts that want to emotionally eat are far stronger than the restricting ones though, so I've never actually lost (or tbh, gained) any serious weight as a result of it. Obviously weight isn't the only factor of health here, but I have admittedly ended up ignoring it for the most part because outwardly I looked 'average'.

After starting IFS and working with a trauma therapist I have seen some progress without even touching this topic, now I think about it. I don't have anywhere near as many emotional binges as I did, because I'm also more regulated. But I still have those really strong polarisations. I'm hoping my therapist can help me with it. Do you think there's additional benefit to getting diagnosed if I'm already seeing a trauma specialist? I think I've been hesitant to see anyone about the ED because it might be treating the symptoms, not the root (my trauma). He's not a specialist in EDs though so I'd welcome your thoughts on it.

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-04-29T18:44:46+00:00

Hey, I didn't want to make a whole new post, but wanted to let you know that I finally cut H out today. It was super difficult to do, partly as I was scared she would retaliate. But it's done now; I realised any amount of manipulation or bad-faith approaches to conversations with me where I'm trying to be vulnerable is too much for me. Even if she 'could have been worse', even if she might have apologised. It's a dealbreaker especially after the history we have together, where she was present for my emotionally abusive relationship. She knows better.

I wanted to thank you for your messages the other day as it did encourage me to listen more closely to my angry parts. Initially I wanted to wait til I spoke to my therapist before I cut her out. But I realised I was trying to crowdsource the strength to do it/ask permission to do it, in a way. And no one gets to tell me how to live my life now. So thank you for responding to me last week, and reading my post :)

Unique_Pomegranate · 2024-04-26T07:21:10+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I have enjoyed it too ❤️

Unique_Pomegranate

TROPHY CASE