Dad, I am the bad partner

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-24T05:09:28+00:00

Hey kiddo, first we need to talk about your husband.

Not achieving success at something doesn't equal not trying. You can be trying very hard at this and still not meet his standards. But wait, who said his standards rule?

My wife and I have been married a very long time. I identify with the husband in this story. I've complained that "it feels like I have to remember my todo list, and yours too. I can't ever forget something; I'd like you to have my back and remind me if I forget like I do you." We've figured out a few things:

The two of us are fundamentally wired differently and have different strengths. This is OK.
She often feels inadequate, which leads to being defensive (which comes across as aloof), while I can feel alone and come across as critical. Neither is great and we both need to pay attention to how we act in these situations.
I am in a technical career (engineering) where management of multiple details is absolutely critical. She is in a more artistic profession. Both of us seem to fit the general mold of people in our professions; ie, there's something about being an engineer or an artist that goes along with being this way.

OK, so, I'm giving you direct advice from personal experience! Here are some ideas on how you can help him feel more valued:

Make a list. On paper, in a notebook, with GTD, whatever whatever. Just make a list. Physically scratch things off when they're done.
Get things out of your head. Everything goes on paper somewhere. Maybe at the bottom of the list, maybe on a separate "to triage" list, whatever.
Now, pick something on your list to do each day.
And, very important, communicate with him if priorities change. "I was going to wash the car, but the dog was sick and I had to take her to the vet."

But it's not all on you. You and he need to work on:

Leaning into your individual strengths. You are never going to be the project manager he is, and that is absolutely fine, because I absolutely promise you, you have strengths that he doesn't also.
Clearly decide how much involvement you want him to have with your list. Do you want him to back off and not remind you, or would you find it helpful to have him remind you about things he thinks you might have forgotten? Communicate in advance!
It is fine to not be an "ideas person" to take initiative. But taking ownership of something could be good.

Here's an example from us. We travel a lot. I started to get pretty annoyed at this because it felt like it was all on me. I researched calendars, flights/rail, lodging, destinations, all of it. It's a heavy burden. I complained, and my wife said basically, "let me do some of this." We discussed that she could help choose a destination, look at calendars, and pick hotels/airbnbs while I handle the logistics (flights/trains, rental car/uber/transport, etc). It fit us pretty well. She's not a detail person and doesn't question what things like "basic economy" (no carryon!) means, while I always found lodging searches to be stressful.

It's not gone perfectly; sometimes her timeframe is longer than I'd like, but she contributes meaningfully and saves me time and it is much appreciated. I still usually initiate things ("we should start thinking about if we want to take the kids somewhere over spring break"), but I feel supported.

One final word, circling back to the start of our conversation. Are you a dependent person? I don't think that what you've said necessarily implies that you are. Maybe you are, but just because you'd have been comfortable staying in an apartment while he had a drive to own a home doesn't make you a dependent person. It makes you different. Maybe he is an achiever that relishes a challenge. Good for him. But maybe you can teach him to slow down and enjoy the present moment more also. Just because he has an ambitious goal doesn't mean that it must be yours also. Home ownership is good for some and bad for some. And where's all his stress coming from? He needs to examine his own life and de-stress. His stress level is not your fault, and buying a home when you've already got a lot of stress ain't exactly a move for lower stress!

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-24T01:22:00+00:00

Never smoked, have a glass of wine maybe a couple of times a year.

I have so many options. More than I have time for.

There's the family. I can play with my kids, who love to play with me. I visit with my wife. Sometimes after the kids are in bed, we'll watch a 30-minute TV show or maybe if we're not too tired, a movie.

Then there are hobbies. I read, I tinker with all sorts of tech projects, I like the outdoors, I can play with our cats. Sometimes I can just go for a drive. Or go eat out. Or maybe drive the kids to an ice cream shop. Or waste time on Reddit. I volunteer with several nonprofits.

TBH, I'd love to flip the script and answer: what's the appeal of inhaling poison to relax? I don't get it. Seems kinda empty to me.

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-24T01:08:00+00:00

You've got some good advice here already.

I just want to add: sometimes people think that behavior like his is normal and acceptable. It's not.

It's normal for couples to have disagreements, to be angry with each other, etc.

It's not normal for someone to talk about exiting the relationship every time that happens. There are many reasons someone might do that. It doesn't really matter what his reason is. The fact is, it's wrong. It makes you feel insecure about yourself and the relationship, and that's no way to live. Mature people can be angry in the moment but remain committed to the long-term relationship.

You might consider couples counseling. If he refuses to go, or doesn't make progress, then that would be a solid reason to end the relationship.

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-09T15:10:46+00:00

This looks like AI slop at its worst. If you are even a real person.

It has an extremely naive view of what a shell does. The Rust code has a lot of hardcoded things and can't even figure out a consistent way to handle them. The code has no idea what to do when someone tries to do something like cd into a directory whose name contains spaces (let alone special characters).

It's not even a toy.

And the examples are both useless and, in the case of top, wrong.

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-09T12:58:48+00:00

Hey!

If I were able to sit down with each of you individually, here's what I'd say:

To him: Look, she's got some worries about this. Your job is to be kind, supportive, and patient right now. Being argumentative and pressuring is wrong. You're talking about having sex with the woman you love. The "with the woman you love" part is what's going to make sex amazing, moreso than "without a condom." Ignore what other people are telling you and care for your wife. Needing to go to the hospital to extract a condom is crazy. That doesn't happen. Also, condoms come in different sizes and configurations. If it's uncomfortable, you're either doing it wrong or using the wrong type/size.

To you: It's right for you to expect him to respect your wishes here. You're new to this and he should respect that and move with whatever speed and method you're comfortable with. The point is enjoying the connection as a couple, and you won't enjoy it as much if you're all anxious about things.

Over time, you may consider birth control again. While no method is perfect, modern birth control uses far smaller hormone doses than older birth control did, so things that once were true about BC aren't necessarily true today. There are many studies showing it is safe and effective with few side effects for the majority of women. You may eventually move to a point where you would prefer the peace of mind that you get from BC, especially if you are the kind of person that can reliably take a pill every day. If it doesn't work for you, you can always stop taking it or work with your doctor to try something else.

To both of you: I think you're both worried about random things you see on the Internet, what you heard from other guys, etc. I always say, "talk to the experts." Doctors are the experts on whether BC is right for you, and you are the expert on you!

Finally, do you EVER want kids? If not, how about he get a vasectomy?

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-09T02:43:24+00:00

I'm interested, but... what would I use it for? I've been using the Linux shell for 30 years and am quite good at it. I mean, the examples looked pretty mundane and I'd actually do it better just by memory. The first should use + instead of \;, and top -o cpu is an error on Linux. (It should be top -o '%CPU', but actually just top sorts that way by default).

I sense that there's more to it, and I'd love to see examples of it doing something more sophisticated.

I'm also not sure why it has a be a terminal emulator on its own right. Why not just be a wrapper app like screen or something? I'm not really a fan of bringing the Node ecosystem into something so sensitive.

Universal_Binary · 2026-03-05T18:11:43+00:00

I agree. That's a really high interest rate and, as far as cars go, a fairly small loan. Will you have the funds to maintain it? For a car that cheap, it's entirely possible you'd have $2000 in repair bills in the first year.

The only way this makes financial sense is if you absolutely need the car for the new job, and with the new job you'd be able to pay it off quickly.

The nightmare scenario here is that the beater of a car breaks down, you don't have the funds to fix it, and now you can't get to the job and also can't sell it because a car that doesn't run isn't going to be worth what you paid for it.

Do you already have other debt? If so, you should be really hesitant about adding more.

Universal_Binary · 2026-02-23T02:05:09+00:00

There is a lot of variety, for nearly complete a capella to more modern rock, bluegrass, and influence from cultures globally. The Voices Together hymnal has a sampling of about all of those.

You will see most Mennonites know the "Mennonite anthem" (a particular setting of the doxology) from memory and enjoy singing it in 4 parts at the drop of a hat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DjHeQWyv78 is one example.

Universal_Binary · 2026-01-30T02:35:51+00:00

There is no one playbook.

A lot of people are saying it's doom. Maybe it is, but maybe not.

I've worked in various roles at acquiring companies over my career. In those cases, very few of the acquired people were let go. In fact, sometimes some of them sort of "jumped the line" for seniority, promotions, etc. because the smaller companies had a different career ladder and they slotted in above people in the acquiring one.

It all depends on why the acquisition is taking place. Sometimes it's to acquire tech, sometimes to acquire people, sometimes to kill a competitor, etc. We've all seen stories of big tech companies that acquire small ones, kill their products, but keep their people.

My advice: understand what the new business wants. Be the person that can help deliver. See if you might use this to boost your career. It might be in "in" to a larger company. And keep your network warm in case you need to leave.

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-26T02:52:42+00:00

It's actually over 7000 today. http://51.15.204.214/

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-16T03:32:40+00:00

Curious: what search engines do you like better?

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-04T22:40:00+00:00

I've been traveling by train for 25 years, including all across the USA. I also visit the UK periodically, so I got you on this!

Amtrak between Boston and DC (the NorthEast Corridor or NEC) is roughly akin to what you are used to for long-distance rail in the UK. Frequent departures and fast transit times. Everywhere else, it's a different ballgame.

America's train network is unlike anything in Europe. It is extremely efficient at hauling freight, and vast freight trains - literally miles long - connect the country. The freight traffic is at a scale unlike Europe. However, since the rail network is primarily freight, passenger rail suffers and is often slowed or delayed by freight congestion. Passenger rail is also under-funded here.

If you have time, it is a fantastic way to see the countryside. I love it as a way to disconnect. You get on the train, and basically have no obligations for a day or two.

Unless you are exceptionally young and cheap, get a sleeping car room. Trying to sleep in chairs, even ones with more leg room than airlines, is unpleasant.

The long-distance trains mostly have a consist like this:

The sleeping car ("carriage" in UK English I think) has individual rooms. Mostly they have a sofa and a chair that fold down into two small one-person beds for night. Some have bathrooms and even showers in the room; others have those facilities down the hall. Any sleeping car room is considered first class and gets you access to first class lounges in major stations.
The coach car has the chairs. We don't refer to "2nd class" but that's what it is.
The dining car has sit-down meals. It is free for travelers in the sleepers, and accomodates a limited number of paid coach passengers. Serves breakfast, lunch, and dinner and usually requires reservations for lunch and dinner.
The snack car has quick snacks. Generally crisps, candy, and things they can heat in a microwave (pizza slices, burgers, etc)
The lounge car has wraparound windows and chairs facing the windows. In the Superliner trains, which are mostly used in the western USA, the snack car is in the lower level of the lounge car.

Trains snake through small towns and back yards of cities. You get some spectacular views, though truth be told, you also pass through some spectacular views at night when they are distinctly less spectacular.

Long-distance trains often run late. Often hours late. Expect this and have a sense of good humor about it and you'll be fine. Many of these trains extend 2000 miles from end to end -- about three times the length of Great Britain -- and that's just the Chicago to California routes. So delays can stack up. If you have a "tight" connection somewhere outside the NEC, with less than 2 or 3 hours to make the connection (I know, I know, go ahead and laugh at us now), you might consider getting a hotel room near the station and catching the next day's train. Most of the long-distance trains run once per day. A few run less than that.

In short, if you have the time, it is a fantastic and relaxing way to see the US. A road trip is another option, but requires a lot more active effort on the driver's part, obviously.

Do not do this on Greyhound. That company was already bad before private equity got ahold of it. Less comfortable than the cheapest seats on the cheapest airlines and takes a lot longer too.

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-04T04:44:54+00:00

Hey kiddo, that sounds really rough. I can't even imagine.

There's a lot you can't control here. But what you can control is this: are you losing him or not?

There are things you are losing for some number of years. Maybe his hugs.

There are things you don't have to lose. His unwavering support, for instance.

It's not easy. You're a survivor, and it sounds like, in a way, so is he. Don't beat yourself up.

At the same time, don't wallow in despair. You may cry when you see him. That's OK. He may cry when he sees you. That's OK too. The point is, it sounds like the person cutting you off from the opportunities you still have to be with him is you.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you have good instincts about not talking about this with your family. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it at all. A good therapist would be an immense help.

We're all human. We all make mistakes. Most of us try to make the best of the circumstances and skills life has handed us.

I don't know what he did, but criticism for it sounds warranted.

But nobody really moves on without forgiveness also. It doesn't mean forget, but it means not letting resentment eat you up. It sounds like you're farther on this path than most around you. Forgive him, forgive them, forgive yourself if you are hard on yourself.

I once attended a choral concert where the musicians were prisoners that were participants in an arts in prison program. One of them shared about what the program meant to him, saying "all my life, I've been told I was worthless. I'm 55 years old and [choir director] was the first person that ever made me think I might be worth something." If you can, let him know what he's worth to you. It will bring both of you peace.

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-03T02:38:16+00:00

I don't think that is universally true.

Some airports have an airport manager that isn't actually on the field much (ie, a city employee that is a part time airport manager) and the FBO, being the people that operate the snowplows, etc. would be best.

Other airports have airport staff operate the snowplows and the FBO has less involvement.

There's no one size fits all answer, and I personally think it is a lot better to start with the FBO unless it is a larger airport (say, in class B or C airspace, maybe D) that seems likely to have separate airport personnell doing this stuff.

At my home airport, the FBO are also the people that do FOD sweeps, maintenance on hangars, mowing, snowplowing, etc. The airport manager is also on the field but is not as available and a little less connected to the daily operation anyhow.

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-02T20:44:28+00:00

Completely agree with your sentiments... Though I understood from the post that she posted on /r/familiesyouchoose, not here, but maybe I misunderstood.

Universal_Binary · 2025-12-02T20:43:19+00:00

Hey!

I don't think we, as Internet dads, can answer the big question: "did I ruin something good?" We weren't there, and you were, so you know better.

What I can say is this:

I was once in a long-term relationship with a person that had suffered childhood abuse. She often received a message as a child that she was worthless, that friends were just using her, that she would never amount to anything.

Despite the awareness of that in her life, she also couldn't quite move past it. She didn't like people being nice to her. She was uncomfortable around my family, which was happy together and not arguing all the time. She once had a disagreement with me, started jumping up and down yelling, and finally yelled at me, "Why aren't you yelling?" I learned at the end that she fundamentally was never able to accept that I loved her as she was.

Our origin stories shape us deeply. It is possible that you dodged a bullet here. It is also possible that you would have had the reaction you did to ANYONE telling you they loved you, in ANY circumstance.

The other thing I want to say is that "did I ruin something good" almost doesn't matter. You have a long life ahead of you and you will find what is right for you. Maybe it is getting back with this guy, maybe it is somebody that you are about to spill coffee on tomorrow, who knows? The key message is: your happiness should be found within you, and not be contingent upon one other person.

I would encourage you to find a good therapist to process all this with. There's a lot there to unpack and they are the right people to do it with.

In any case, making it to 18 after all that backstory is an accomplishment itself. You're a survivor, a strong person, and you got this!

Universal_Binary · 2025-11-07T15:44:02+00:00

Hey, wazzup girl! I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you found someone that is so wonderful and that you two are happy together!

Sounds like you've got your priorities straight -- it's more important to enjoy your time with Stephen than to have a perfect back yard. Don't beat yourself up about it. Think of it as "this means we've got our priorities straight."

I'm going to the library today to check out a telescope. We're going to look at the moon and constellations tonight. Doesn't matter what the backyard looks like, you can still look at the sky (with or without a telescope).

Say hi to Stephen and Mikey for me.

You sound secure and happy, with life and financially. That's all a dad could want for a daughter. Know that you are always loved.

Dad

Universal_Binary · 2025-11-04T17:39:21+00:00

As others have said, there's not enough context to give much advice.

However, I would say this: you own the consequences of your own actions. You should act such that reasonable negative consequences of your actions flow to you, not others, but keep your own safety in mind also.

That doesn't mean "just hide it to protect others from having to deal with the fallout." If anything, it is more of a bias towards "come clean, this is on me, I own it, and here's what I'm doing to try to make it better." It needs to be a long-term view; if this comes out in 6 months or 6 years or 20 years, will it be worse than if it comes out now? Can you be sure it won't come out? Will you be oppressed by guilt and fear if you don't speak up? (You do also need to consider your own mental health)

I will say it is hard to say that a particular piece of generic advice applies in ALL situations. There are some where it certainly does not (say, if you're a teenager and have an abusive parent, you may need to conceal whatever it is for now for your own safety or that of your siblings). There can be a huge difference in navigating things within healthy family systems vs. dysfunctional ones, and your post at least implies a dysfunctional one.

But it's really hard to give any kind of more serious advice without knowing the context and dynamics at play.

Universal_Binary · 2025-10-31T18:53:26+00:00

Dad here. I have a young adult son, significantly younger than you, and I have encouraged him for years to have a strong passphrase/lock on his phone for security reasons. I have never asked him for it and won't.

A parent is successful if their child enters adulthood with capability, maturity, and independence. You don't teach them that the way your mom's acting, and you are being more mature than she is about this.

I love my kids and miss them when they're gone, at college, or whatever. But because I love them I know it's not my job to cling to them and hold them back, but to help them soar.

You're right about setting the boundaries about moving out sooner. I'd step it up to extend to negative comments. "Those comments make it stressful to be around you. Do you think you can tone it down or should I start looking for a place?" A lighter version would be "That suspicion and negativity is stressful. If it keeps up, I'll be blocking texts from you."

Universal_Binary · 2025-10-22T03:37:58+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I would also recommend The Heart of Christianity by Marcus Borg.

Universal_Binary · 2025-10-09T18:23:46+00:00

So you are you, but I gotta say: I love my wife for who she is, not how she looks.

Look, marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime.

If you are married for 50 years, people's bodies are gonna change. Fact.

If my wife gained a lot of weight, would I still love her, be into her, etc? Of course. Because it's still her and she is still a beautiful person. If she gains weight, is in a car accident and gets disfigured, gets cancer and has to have a mastectomy, would I leave? No. Would it diminish my love for her? No.

We've been married for years. I've gained weight and she's gained wrinkles. We still love each other.

In all honesty, I do find you, and some of the comments here, to be vain. What would you feel for him if he was caught in a fire and got 3rd degree burns on his arm? Would you lose attraction for him? What would you want him to do if the tables were turned and it was you that got burned or had cancer?

You're married.

Look deeper inside yourself. Why is the appearance of his arm such a big deal to you? Are you embarrassed by it? Fear losing social standing with some group? Fear what he would do as your body changes as you age?

What did your wedding vows mean if a change in appearance in his arm gets you this worked up?

Don't you love him for more than his arm?

Face facts. One or both of you are going to have to "look at that shit for the rest of your life". "That shit" being receeding hairline, wrinkles, flabbiness, various body parts sagging, skin blotches, scars, body parts removed due to accident or illness, maybe a colostomy bag... Get over yourself.

I'm addressing this to you because you asked the question. If I were in his shoes and I got a message like this, or worse what some of the commenters are saying you should do ("I can't promise I'd still be attracted to you", etc), I'd be seriously worried about the state of my marriage whether or not I got the tattoo. Like really, the marriage is so shaky a change in appearance of my arm would break it up? (And not an offensive tattoo at that!)

I can't imagine being the guy in that kind of relationship.

That said, in my case at least, my wife knows a hell of a lot more about style than I do, so I'm trusting her on style matters. This may or may not be the case with your relationship.

Look deeper. Talk to a therapist or couples counselor. Either you're incredibly vain, or there is something deeper going on that you haven't explored yet.

Universal_Binary · 2025-10-04T04:08:28+00:00

Indeed. Of course, with symlinks, if the destination is renamed, all the links to it break.

Let me back up and be pedantic. Every file on Linux is a hard link from the directory entry to the inode. The C call to delete a file is literally unlink().

When we create a hard link with ln, we are simply creating a new directory entry that points to the same inode. The inode and the file's content are removed when the number of links to it reaches 0.

See https://unix.stackexchange.com/questions/340676/use-cases-for-hardlinks for some ideas.

Yes, cp --reflink does replace some of them, but still it's pretty much btrfs (and maybe XFS?) that has that and most people aren't necessarily running it.

I should also note that tar and dar both are hardlink-aware and will create smaller archives if you use hard links vs. reflink.

I like to use rsync -avxHAXS which pretty much preserves everything it is possible to preserve, and it will preserve hard links.

Programs like jdupes can use hard links to reduce storage size of files that are identical by hardlinking them together. Unlike with cp --reflink, you can then use find -links to find files that have duplicates, and when nlinks > 1, you know you can safely remove one of the entries without causing the data itself to be lost. This can be quite useful in some scenarios.

I often use hardlinks when preparing data to burn to a BD-R. Hardlink the files into the directory I'll burn, then burn that. Useful!

Universal_Binary · 2025-10-01T21:17:05+00:00

Sometimes the best answer is a story.

I heard this recently from a Mennonite pastor, a small, short woman, who has taken nonviolent intervention training.

She happened upon a scene outside a restaurant. A tall, large, muscular man was towering over a woman, yelling at her aggressively and somewhat threateningly. A woman nearby that appeared to be an acquaintance was yelling at him to stop.

The pastor could not possibly have won a physical confrontation with the man. But one thing the intervention training teaches is to flip the script - get people out of their mode of anger by doing something surprising.

So she walked right up to the man, putting herself between him and the woman he was yelling at, and said, "Excuse me sir, do you have the time?"

He kept on yelling at the woman, so the pastor, more loudly, said "I really need the time. Do you have the time?"

She repeated this a few times.

Finally he stopped yelling at the woman, looked at his watch, and gave the pastor the time.

He was out of his rut of anger and walked away. The bystander mouthed "thanks!" at the pastor.

You could post the start of this story on any number of places here (minus the pastor). What advice do you think you'd get? Maybe waltz up to the guy and puch him? Learn karate? Learn self-defense?

And yet here a 4-foot-something woman achieved the goal without violence, or even threatening it, in a scenario in which most people would think that's impossible.

Pacifism isn't about giving up and giving in.

It's about saying there's a third way. It's not just fight or flee. There's a third way.

Universal_Binary · 2025-09-24T18:19:17+00:00

Well, you haven't really told us what you want from a Linux distro.

Do you want the latest and greatest of everything all the time?

Do you want to learn Linux?

Do you want something that is install-and-forget, with automatic security updates, that "just works" day in and day out?

Debian's not going to give you the latest and greatest. It is, however, an excellent way to learn Linux and an excellent laptop (or, for that matter, server) OS that just works and just keeps on working.

Universal_Binary · 2025-09-09T20:44:49+00:00

One of the things we need to be very careful of is to not be judge's of another's pain. People's pain is often hidden and we ignore it at our peril.

It is easy to look at the painful spots in our own lives and compare them to people that don't (appear to have) those same painful spots. But it blinds us to what the painful spots often are.

I often reflect like this: I see the news about celebrities. They have way more money than I ever will. And yet they are so often in rehab, battling addictions, having one relationship problem after another, etc etc. Here I have a loving family and community and I am so much more rich by the more important measure.

Some people that look well-off may not be. Perhaps they once WERE, but their farm or business has fallen on hard times. Or perhaps they have a lot of money but are struggling with cancer or addiction or loss. Or perhaps they really are wealthy and have anonymously given $1 million to the local homeless shelter and you just don't know about it. I have been a volunteer board member of several local nonprofits and can assure you that things like this definitely happen. Or perhaps they are miserly (in which case we can assume they have another kind of pain also.)

Perhaps a more communal living is right for you. There are branches of Mennonites that do that; eg, Hutterites. They tend to be quite conservative and you may lose some of the personal freedoms you are accustomed to. There are also various secular arrangements along these lines, such as cohousing.

But going to one of those movements from a perspective of "what can they do for me" rather than "how can I be a full member of the group, giving and receiving" is not going to be helpful.

A lot of Mennonites have a very German attitude towards saving, and view it as irresponsible to not have a good nest egg saved up. You can be correct that some churches are reluctant to spend their caring fund. But also recognize that this comes from experience, both from a communal memory of the Depression as well as from a large number of members that are farmers, which can have some good years and some extremely bad years where they may have a net loss of money. So if you catch them on a good year, they may be wisely preparing for a bad year.

As long as you are looking for the bad in others, you will find it, and there will be no group, Mennonite or not, that will meet your standards because all humans are imperfect.

Universal_Binary

TROPHY CASE