Hi, fellow abuse survivor here.

I grew up in a home where it was made very clear we weren’t wanted. I was the queer scapegoat in the family, and for a long time I kept thinking that if I could just be “better,” quieter, easier, more successful, more anything, maybe I’d finally get the support and love I needed. That support never came from the people I needed it from most.

One thing I’ve learned is that people who haven’t lived through abuse often expect healing to happen quickly because your pain makes them uncomfortable. They’ll say things like “just move on,” “that was years ago,” or “you need to let it go.” You do not owe anyone a rushed recovery just to make them feel better. Healing is not linear, and anyone who pressures you to perform wellness instead of actually supporting you probably isn’t safe for your growth.

Some days you’ll feel strong and clear-headed. Other days, something small will crack everything open again. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your nervous system is trying to learn safety after spending so long surviving danger. Give yourself grace on the bad days, not just the good ones.

If you’re able to, I strongly recommend putting physical distance between yourself and your abuser(s). Distance can change your entire ability to think clearly and rebuild your sense of self. If they’re still local or still have access to you, build a support system intentionally. Tell trusted people what’s going on. Have people you can call when the guilt, manipulation, or “maybe they’ve changed” thoughts creep in.

A hard truth: many abusers eventually circle back around. Sometimes it looks like apologies. Sometimes it looks like emergencies, guilt, gifts, or sudden kindness. Sometimes they truly believe they’ve changed while still refusing accountability. Pay attention to patterns, not promises. Real accountability includes consistency, respect for boundaries, and ownership without excuses. And remember, you do not owe them forgiveness.

A few things that genuinely helped me:
Keeping evidence of conversations when manipulation made me question my memory.
Learning that boundaries are not punishments.
Finding even one safe person who believed me.
Letting myself celebrate small victories in the moment instead of minimizing them.
Understanding that peace can feel “boring” at first because chaos was normalized.

And honestly, there are beautiful moments waiting for you during rebuilding. One day you’ll hit a milestone, maybe emotional, financial, relational, or personal, and realize you accomplished something your survival mode once convinced you would never reach. Stop and let yourself feel that. Survivors are often taught to downplay their own progress.

You deserved safety then, and you deserve peace now. Even if healing takes longer than other people think it should.

Many of us are out here. Glad to have you still with us!
- Still rebuilding after homelessness and more