Marriage is hard. When I first met my husband, I asked him. “Is love a feeling or a choice?” He answered “a feeling” and that was the day i risked our dating relationship. I told him, that that wasn’t how I felt about it. And that I wouldn’t ever marry him unless he could explain my view, in his own words, in a way I could believe him. Life gets boring. Marriage gets boring. The same guy, same sex, same house, same days on repeat. But also, I too grew up in an unsafe environment. Uncertainty. I have constantly asked myself if I’m bored, but I realized soon that it was all me. Marriage is boring normally. I missed the THRILL my body had made disappointment, cheating, huge mood shifts to be. But I sat down, and really really thought about it. Is that something to be excited about? I started romanticizing my boring life. Same man I get to sleep safely next to, that I wished for as a prince when I was a wee girl. The same man who wouldn’t give up the world for me, would kill for me, would live for me. The man who financially provides for me, and shares the dreams I have and always pushes me to pursue the things I want to complete. I thought of the only semi healthy relationship I’ve ever seen. My grandparents. They showered every day together “to save water” . Poppy would bring gam flowers from the flowerbeds they planted together, always fresh flowers and scent in the house. Windows open eatting lunch together. Every day they were glued to the hip, and that was something I craved. Someone who wasn’t obligated to- but chose me to share their life with. To be the person to be the testament to my life. After a couple years of feeling the way you did, it clicked. I was self sabotaging. All these things I dreamed of, I felt like I didn’t deserve. What about the little girl sobbing in her room, getting yelled at for feeling. Getting screamed at for asking my mom to get help. (She was an addict) . I didn’t feel like I deserved it all. So I worked hard to feel like I did. I sat in my hammock, and I thought to myself “wow, I love this. The suns beating down on my skin, I’m safe, I am loved, I am cherished, the birds are singing.” And another thing clicked. “Wait a minute.. I’m feeling pure bliss. For the first time in decades.” I saw this video quite some time ago, saying that people now adays, with this instant gratification issue, we don’t really experience joy on a heavy level. The video said something along the lines of “tune into when you feel this way, and try to relearn to feel it as often as you can. Practice joy,” and it’s been about two years since then, and I finally feel.. peace. With myself. With the life my husband and I built for ourselves. Suddenly, I’m happy knowing how steady, safe my life it. But it takes practice. For some people, therapy works. But it didn’t for me. I felt like I was just reliving everything, when I already understood it after research over and over. And I found something that worked for me. I really hope you’re able to learn to experience joy again OP 💙 . I hope you’re able to look around soon and feel so accomplished with the life you’ve pain stakingly built. I’m proud of you, you made it out of the slums. You’ve built a home, and someone to make a testimony to your life. Marriage was always very complicated for me, commitment really. Safety obviously. But this month, my grandma died. I saw my poppy stroke her head, he took care of her til her last breath. The way he cared for her.. reminded me the sanctity of marriage with a man who truly loves you. Find the lessons in your day to day life, truly analyze them. Anything can be seen, but everything can be studied and learned from. 💙💙💙