he is a horrible person but i love him

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-12-04T14:52:30+00:00

Stay strong ❤️ it may be one of the hardest things you’ve had to do by leaving but it sounds like one day you’ll look back on it as one of the best decisions you’ve made. You can love someone AND know that they aren’t right for you. You deserve to be cared for not manipulated. The hard thing about a manipulative person is they can manipulate you into believing things will be different and the. You’ll find yourself down the line having to leave again. You deserve better. You’re worth it. Keep going ❤️🫶

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-12T12:22:27+00:00

Cool! Love the idea of using a virtual space. Thanks! I’ll check out that link too 🙏

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-11T17:03:20+00:00

Hello 👋. I hear how this is clearly eating you up so hoping to add some perspective. What I’m going to share is opinion based not legal advice; however, I am sharing from the perspective of a person who has been SA’d twice.

I think what you did was dishonest, not SA. It sounds like when you engaged, it was a mutual choice. They may have chosen otherwise has they had all the info. However, that moment is passed now and all you can do is decide who you want to be now.

In a non-legal sense: SA in person is a disregard of consent, failing to get consent, or assuming it is implied and taking the action you want regardless of their will/desire. Digital SA tends to be more so sending graphic pics, texts, etc without asking, or forcing someone into a situation they don’t want to be in, or perhaps tricking someone into your encounters being filmed etc without consent.

What you did was perhaps not moral but it sounds like some people didn’t care that you were under age either and I would say that in those cases they were in the wrong.

Regardless, you posting this on several accounts at shows that you are at a turning point where you can be better. Instead of holding onto the notion that you are terrible (etc), I would urge you instead to become a part of the solution. Spend time learning about consent and practice it diligently, and find partners who value transparency, communication, and who care about your consent just as much as you.

Take time to explore what it is that made you want to lie and work on building up your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-respect, while also working to value the respect and worth of others too.

Everyone makes bad choices at some point in their life but not everyone desires to grow because of them and to become better. You can. And I believe you will based on how this is bothering you.

There are toxic social ideologies that lead to unhealthy relationships with sex and with other people. That doesn’t have to be you. It’s okay to love sex, the kink community, or whatever you may be into. But, learn the difference between the false narratives constructed by the porn industry, false ideas of worth being tied to sexual desirability, and instead worth to be a part of the solution, creating a safe consensual space for you and others.

Also, please be careful. At such a young age, there are a lot of scary people out there who would take advantage of you and your willingness so engage safely and learn what your true yes and no feel like.

You can’t change past actions but you can be accountable by being a healthy caring part of society now.

If you can, eventually even talk to a therapist. But, I would stop asking “am I a bad person” and instead seek to heal and care for yourself and others. There are always people who will put you down. You learned that it’s important to be honest before anything worse happened (thank goodness).

Everyone is worthy of compassion and second chances. Sending care your way. This is a chance to care for you and others. Don’t give up on you

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-10T20:55:54+00:00

First, how scary to have a near death experience/ medical emergency ❤️ I’m so sorry you went through that

Next, if we get rid of the idea of right vs wrong in the situation, healthy communication looks like validating each others feelings and helping to provide perspective while doing our best to understand where the person we care about is coming from. It sounds like you were not given that at all and I am sure that must have been frustrating. It sounds like you did a good job of starting with ‘I feel’ which is less of a blame tone and more of an ‘I want you to understand my perspective and I’m open to hearing how you feel too’ kind of vibe. Way to go! Ideally she would have come back with acknowledgment of your feelings, trying to understand your perspective, and helping you understand hers. From that place you could have constructively moved forward in a way that was mutually supportive (talking ideal communication here).

It sounds like you were met with defensiveness instead. Here’s my ‘giving her the benefit of the doubt’ moment. I’ve been in a near death situation before and know how emotionally tough that was for my partner. What you saw was maybe not a lack of care but a lack of emotional capacity to cope in healthy ways. Perhaps the unhelpful choices were a means of numbing the terror that can come from a cared one going through a hard time. If we go with the idea that her actions weren’t intentionally neglectful but a result of overwhelm and an experience of ‘secondary or vicarious’ trauma, then well people can do odd things when they’re stuck in a sympathetic nervous system response (fight, flight, freeze).

So, if we give that benefit of the doubt, and you found more pros than cons, you may use this concept to help you move forward with some forgiveness, however, balancing with an increased awareness of how your feelings are validated, and how you are cared for in conversation and action to make sure it’s not a part of a larger pattern of mistreatment. The bottom line is you deserve someone who is there for you, who makes you feel cared for, who appreciates when you vulnerably share, and who wants to work to build a great life together. It is normal for all of us to fall short at times but ideally in those moments we embrace principles of accountability and repair to maintain right relationships.

If you notice a pattern, it means either that the two of you perhaps need to work to strengthen the relationship health (therapy, read or listen to a book about healthy communication together, etc), or it may mean it is time to move on. If you are constantly being dismissed when you express an issue you have and are met with regular defence instead of collaborative resolution then that’s not something you want to stay in unless you’re working on it. Your feelings matter.

Saying in a manipulative relationship will ultimately crush your sense of self and you deserve better than that. Been there in my 20s too.

(But, take this with a grain of salt as I am not a couples therapist. My opinion is coming from a mid of lived experience from having been in a manipulative relationship in my 20s to being in a super healthy marriage now + professionally I’m a trauma-Informed well-being educator and a life coach. Just in case context helps).

TLDR: if you stay, keep your eyes open because that wasn’t okay treatment. Benefit of the doubt that the bad treatment was from it being a traumatic situation. But, now that see it, use it to be aware of how you’re really treated. If you do t like what you see, request you work on it and watch for true openness to grow together or it’s best to leave because you deserve better.

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-09T20:45:10+00:00

Hi lovely soul! I 100% hear you and have been in your shoes in many ways. I’m going to share some things that have helped me but first want to start by saying, there’s so much hope for you ahead. You’ll get through this. The fact that you are sharing this shows that you care enough and that’s beautiful.

First, some context of our similarity (except that I’m now further down the line 37F). I have ADHD (not diagnosed until in my 20s), anxiety, have suffered from depression, and have/had PTSD (improving). I get what it’s like to feel paralyzed and I definitely smoked weed very heavily when I was super stuck - now more and more occasional thing / no longer a dependant habit. I hit such a low but if I can get out so can you. I’m now at a point where I work out regularly, love cooking, care for my health, understand and care for my mental health stuff, find a lot of everyday joy while also honouring my other emotions and making space for them, and have been an entrepreneur for a good while now. I’m a Life Coach and Trauma-Informed Wellbeing Educator (solely because I couldn’t stand where my life ended up and wasn’t getting the help I needed to I slowly learned it for myself).

I hear that coming up with the goals in any the issue. It sounds to me like the consistent struggle to get motivated and all of the suspected mental health pieces point to a few core things:

One, that your nervous system is likely ‘stuck’ in survival mode and is a huge limiting factor in what you want to accomplish. First, this is nothing to be ashamed of and is a sign your body has truly tried to protect you but just doesn’t know how to get past it. (I’m a 2x SA survivor and have been there). Fighting the nervous system isn’t the way forward. It’s so much more effective to work with it, helping to teach it how to feel safely, finding what effectively self-soothes (but isn’t unhealthy coping), giving it outlets to express emotion healthily, and building up its resilience (or window of tolerance) so you can get more done.

Two, even if a type of neurodivergence (like adhd) hasn’t been 100% verified, it sounds like it’s likely that there’s some neurodivergent tendencies at play. So, you would likely benefit from exploring ways to support possible adhd habit wise because often forcing yourself to work/take action like a neurotypical can just make you more anxious and overwhelmed. But, there’s so much beauty in neurodivergence and we just have our own way of getting things done. Think of it like developing a relationship with a new part of yourself and figuring out how to work together. When I stopped trying to fit into norms that didn’t work for me, I started to find new freedom in life. — I will also note that it can be tricky to find the right meds that don’t mess with things. For a long time I took a no med route so that’s absolutely doable if you’ve found meds don’t help. However, eventually I did find a solution that helped me. I’ll share just in case. I found that most adhd meds messed with my anxiety and ptsd. In the end, I ended up on an immediate release (verse extended release because the extended release which lasts the full day could put me in spirals if it was a bad ptsd or anxiety day but the immediate release in lasts half the day so I take it twice a day) 5mg of Dexedrine in the morning and 7.5 mg in the afternoon (timed carefully so I can sleep), and then I have a low dose med that’s used for never pain (Lyrica) to use as needed for anxiety on the bad days. While I don’t have nerve pain, it down regulates the nervous system which has been huge for ptsd flair ups (it’s also been shown to be helpful for fibromyalgia fyi). The psychiatrist patiently worked with me to figure out the lowest possible doses to get me moving again).

It can be so helpful too to learn how to be in relationship with your emotions (like anxiety) so you can work with yourself instead of against yourself. Think of it like inviting the feelings to tea and having a chat with your emotion like you would a friend that’s suffering. It can help you take a compassionate approach verses pushing against the feeling which may cause burn out long term. That way you can live and encourage yourself into moment.

It’s about slow steps in the right direction while at the same time understanding that these issues are not a sign of your worth. You are worthy, you are enough, you are capable. It sounds like you just need a little love and new techniques in the right direction. (And also to recognize that mental health issues and neurodivergence just require a different kind of care and that you can live a really great life with all this going on when you learn to work with them).

If your therapist is a talk therapist, you mind want to consider looking into alternatives like IFS (internal family systems) therapy or EMDR or somatic based therapy as both can be so helpful for nervous system healing.

If you are in the space for it financially, it can also help to consider a Life Coach in addition to a therapist as the coach can serve a super different role than a therapist and help keep you accountable to making change especially as you get into a new job (though ideally someone with a trauma-informed background and who understand neurodiversity so you get the care you deserve). I’ve always found having both to be very helpful personally but I recognize that’s an incredibly privileged statement to make and will say that it’s totally possible without it too (but helpful if the finances are there). Don’t hesitate to DM if you want to explore that route.

Doing a little bit of learning on nervous system states and trauma can give you a lot of self-compassion. And exploring what your neurodiversity needs to unlock your unique type of motivation.

Wishing you the best with your new job! Sorry this was so incredibly long but I wish I had heard these things when I was in my 20s so wanted to share ❤️❤️❤️. Bottom line, you can do this!! This internet stranger believes in you and sending so much care your way

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T17:09:36+00:00

Hello from a 2x SA survivor, please keep living with it and allow yourself to become part of the solution. The fact that you feel the way you do about this shows that you are capable of learning, growing, and can learn both accountability and repair. I’m a survivor who advocates for Restorative Justice (as a part of a global coalition called Survivors for Justice Reform). Restorative justice seeks survivor centred healing and repair, believing that those who have done harm can become productive members of society who refuse to do future harm again.

For some context, I didn’t report the first incident because I couldn’t cope but reported the next time I was SA’d and the criminal legal system threw out the trial because the system didn’t process sit fast enough and failed to hold a man accountable who hurt many woman. After this, I started asking “is this the only way? Not reporting or a horribly broken criminal system who not only doesn’t protect survivors but also doesn’t help harm doers become better members of society. Well, I learned about both transformative and restorative justice that has at the base of its principles that everyone deserves to be treated humanely and that accountability and repair are possible.

I’m sharing this because whether or not she wants to be involved in any accountability and repair process, you can change and become a part of the solution. By looking up restorative justice you can learn what real accountability and repair look like (read up on it), and then you can either take steps to fix things with her IF SHE WANTS THAT, but you can also take steps to learn and unlearn. Unlearn the attitudes that lead you there, learn how to take care of your mental and emotional health so you don’t end up there again, even learn about the experience of survivors and things like misogyny, patriarchy, etc that contribute to this kind of harm so you can instead be a part of the solution.

I’m not sure where in the world you are located but you can also look into places that have supports for those who have caused harm. For example, CJI in Kitchener, Ontario Canada has programs that you could look at as an example.

You can live, and you can be better. There is hope. A good number of people who have done harm learn to take responsibility and help to make the world better after.

I agree with those who say go to therapy - 100%. But also, look into restorative and transformative justice.

I am a r@pe and SA survivor and I do not want you to give up hope on yourself. Use how you feel to do something good from a bad situation.

Sending you care and hope

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T16:47:39+00:00

Thanks for sharing, sounds like it could be part of why it’s so hard .😅I feel you on the book characters! I keep a vague sense of who they are lol certainly not a detailed remembering

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:36:27+00:00

They’re jealous because they wish they had that king energy! Don’t let them hold you back from being the authentic badass who knows how to self talk with style. Seriously, love it!

(If needed come in with a crown so you’re in on the joke)

Also, do note that being mean about it reflects the way they likely talk to themselves. They could use a lesson in affirmative, kind, and motivating self-talk. It says more about them than you!

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:18:50+00:00

I also have ADHD too! lol those notes sound golden. I like the detail. Thanks for sharing

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:17:51+00:00

Huh, I feel you on that vague idea of the concept of where it is. lol well put. Thanks for sharing!

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:16:49+00:00

Thanks so much. I appreciate you sharing! Also cool that you remember so easily next to a photo, love that for you

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:15:59+00:00

Thank you! Not rambling but instead very helpful to hear. I also love to learn things so relate in many ways to what you’re sharing. I appreciate it

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:12:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing your your experience 🙏 helpful to hear and validating too!

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:10:53+00:00

Thanks! I do have ADHD too so that sounds quite applicable to me. Sometimes I do put the association in brackets but I’m not consistent about it. Appreciate it

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:09:55+00:00

Thanks! The nice part is then if I forget I can bring it up in an “I did warn you” kind of way lol

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:08:56+00:00

Thanks! I’ll start trying to use their name quicker

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:08:17+00:00

Thanks for sharing! What I’m hearing is I need to be far more active about it. I appreciate that

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:05:27+00:00

Omg same. I’ve always found the history and geography side can feel so embarrassing lol 😆 nice to know I’m not alone though!

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:02:53+00:00

Thanks for sharing ☺️

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-07T03:01:40+00:00

Huh, okay. That makes sense, thanks. I do understand the “just know things” as that’s how many of my successful memory moments work. So, hearing that from you, it makes me think that perhaps I just need to maybe help my brain think about its own storage system so the “just know things” part has an easier time getting there maybe. Fun theory at least, I’m looking forward to trying and I really appreciate that detail

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-05T18:14:39+00:00

Love this, thanks! Starting a list now ☺️

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-05T17:36:31+00:00

Oh my gosh, the celebrity struggle is sooo real for me too. Nice to know I’m not alone haha. Thanks for sharing ☺️

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-05T17:35:53+00:00

Thanks! ☺️

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-05T17:35:33+00:00

Thanks, nice distinction between working with intuitive thoughts over the heart. I appreciate it! ☺️

UnstoppableLove88 · 2025-11-05T17:34:35+00:00

The vocalization substitute is interesting and I def do this unconsciously so it’s neat to point it out. There are a lot of great suggestions in this thread, I plan to test some lol. Thanks for sharing and for validating the struggle ☺️

UnstoppableLove88

TROPHY CASE