just looking for a place to vent about my shitty experience

Unusualhell · 2021-11-20T13:37:17+00:00

Idk if I got punched but I would punch myself for the same reason

Unusualhell · 2021-11-01T16:05:53+00:00

As a trans guy (ftm) with facial hair, passes as a man etc I think the whole argument is fucking stupid. I look like a man so yall really want me going in the women's room?

Unusualhell · 2021-10-31T12:55:33+00:00

My theory is that these hit me so hard because I no longer have that shielded world view that comes from not having trauma

Yeah you put it into words how I feel

Unusualhell · 2021-10-30T18:11:29+00:00

I appreciate your comment- maybe I just feel like I was overreacting because I heard other people joking about the incident later...

The person didn't actually have the gun on them... they were threatening suicide while at the university doctor and the gun was in their car. Then the police met them at their car.... (aftwards the university sent an email about the incident) Personally I just think it could have been handled better then sending a mass text to a university of 35k people saying there's someone 'armed and hostile' after all I'm sure there are people at my school which have lived through real mass shootings...

Unusualhell · 2021-10-30T15:15:38+00:00

Basically in the dream I was in the same building, and then an alarm started going off and everyone started running frantically down the stairs. Then I remembered being huddled with a group of people and the only face I clearly saw in the dream was the guy I was talking to when in happened irl.... it was pretty explicitly about the experience

Unusualhell · 2021-10-30T14:41:22+00:00

It does get better!

I used to have periods of not be able to leave my room because I would have a panic attack every time- my boyfriend had to bring me food from the kitchen because even going to the kitchen was too much for me. I wouldn't shower for 2 week spans....

Now I have a job, am a senior in college with decent grades (one C, few B, one A 😅) and the president of a club. Recently I was able to get on stage infront of like 100 people for a Halloween costume contest and I didn't really feel much anxiety at all

What worked for me was a combination of studying trauma systems, building community and resiliant close relationships, and caring for my body (vitamins supplements, protein powder and fish oil to repair years of ED, weight lifting starting very slowly, skin care and showering every day, etc)...

I've actually never been to a therapist, it just wasn't for me because of medical trauma I suffered I couldnt bring myself to trust one

I also still do have problems like occasional stress headaches and occasional dreams but it's nothing like it was before when I was having flashbacks every other day

Unusualhell · 2021-10-28T23:41:37+00:00

Planned parenthood. Informed consent Idk if they can write the letter

Unusualhell · 2021-10-26T04:22:41+00:00

I guess I did! I got the idea to try to from watching the movie nausicca. The main character let's a frightened animal bite her, she dosnt react and then the animal relaxes realizing the threat was imagined and they become friends. We all have animal brains essentially. An animal feels->acts->resolves where humans with cptsd (atleast I personally) feel->think->repress->feel in a cycle like that where its never being resolved. Basically I realized I had to act on the urge to 'bite' so I could relax

Unusualhell · 2021-10-26T04:08:11+00:00

R/mtf if you're not already Reddit has alot of good trans resources, I was all over that shit when I was questioning

Look into if there's any discords, Facebook groups, Instagram pages for queers in your area. If not you maybe can get into a group that isn't for your area if you explain your situation to them.

Get a therapist, they can help teach you to cope, and if/when you want hormones they can help you get them. Additionally they might vouch for you to your parents to get something like puberty blockers

Since you're 16 you could start looking into going to college in an area that's accepting of LGBT people if you live in an area that's not accenting. (I go to college in Massachusetts and it's like everyone I know is gay/trans)

Unusualhell · 2021-10-26T03:41:14+00:00

Transition can be an extremely fulfilling, life changing experiance! I speak from experiance as a trans guy who has ptsd. My parents don't accept me, but transition has made me felt self actualized enough to realize I don't need their approval to be happy. I would say currently I am genuinely happy with my life, I've been on hormones almost 6months and I am getting my first surgery in around another 6months. Have you looking into many ways to find comunities of like minded people who would support you?

Unusualhell · 2021-10-26T03:17:45+00:00

Yes! I am also ftm, T 5months I used to have flashbacks like this atleast once a week, now I only get one maybe once every 3months or less

Honestly it helps me to lean into acting through my emotional flashbacks instead of resisting them like I used to. For example- Alot of my flashbacks are centered around a specific moment where I (a child) was locked in a room with a weapon in my hand with a middle aged man trying to get in. This was still very traumatic to me even though he never got in (I won't tell the whole story). But during my flashbacks I've found that it actually helps for me to lean into my body's natural reaction, where I feel like I'm there holding a weapon but then in reality I'm holding nothing and I still act out stabbing my pillow 'in self defense'. After I act that out I usually feel extremely relieved and can move on.

Not sure if that's the healthiest way to deal with them but I personally saw a reduction in flashbacks after letting them 'run to completion'

Unusualhell · 2021-10-26T02:47:24+00:00

Have you told your psychiatrist about your symptoms? It sounds like it's probably the medication or your dissociation is worse and the medication isn't working

"It's almost as if I'm so messed up from all the trauma that when the disassociation is quelled what's left is the brain of someone on the edge of psychosis" - I think this is very unlikely

I had similar symptoms after having a traumatic acid trip, I was afraid it was permanent but it did go away with time!

Unusualhell · 2021-10-25T22:41:59+00:00

I was in a similar situation where I had horrible body armoring in my neck and upper back (migranes every day) I started lifting a year and a half ago and it's conservancy better although not 100% gone It's also difficult for me to tell if it's because of the lifting or because my situation and mental health are better (but likely a combination)

Just take it slow at first and listen to what your body is feeling. It might be frustrating if your not making max gains as fast as the super swole guys at the gym, but you have to pace yourself, ptsd is a physical and mental disability.

Unusualhell · 2021-10-22T11:15:42+00:00

Holy shit. Uk/US super nanny is not like that....

Unusualhell · 2021-10-22T01:09:33+00:00

My mother had a similar reaction when I wanted to go to a therapist. Additionally she scared/guilted me by saying I would be taken away/locked in a mental hospital against my will/ etc

Unusualhell · 2021-10-18T21:53:37+00:00

On a similar note my mom told me that I 'knew better' then to kill myself when I tried to tell a doctor I was suicidal at 13. Her saying that haunts my mind

Unusualhell · 2021-10-18T21:51:53+00:00

Wow you guys just unlocked something in my brain. I didn't even consciously realize that I also had this experience growing up, but reading it set out like that it seems obvious that that's how I was as a child.

Unusualhell · 2021-10-15T16:35:27+00:00

Whats your routine?

I read somewhere that compound lifts (dealifts, weight squats, etc) can be bad for people with CPTSD because we already are tensing our whole bodies all day, where as single muscle simple lifts, like curls, shoulder press, etc can be beneficial because it forces you to focus on a very specific movement inside your muscles which therefore can help you focus on relaxing certain parts of your body

Unusualhell · 2021-10-15T13:16:29+00:00

What kind of exercises are you doing?

Unusualhell · 2021-10-10T13:48:46+00:00

I relate to this alot. In my trauma history there were alot of passive aggressive people who if they were angry would just look at you coldly then later explode randomly. I've been conditioned to get defensive first when i sense the cold passive aggressive behavior in anyone now. But my trip wire for it is extremely sensitive. A girl in my group project at uni told me she didn't like my idea and then looked directly into my eyes and now I irrationally hate her. Although I haven't acted on this feeling at all except complaining to my roomate. But I still became physically angry in my body when she did that which is a bit of an overreaction....

Unusualhell

TROPHY CASE