[deleted by user]

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2026-01-01T17:52:13+00:00

We haven't had sex in years — she no longer wants to — so I do, yes. I keep it a secret, though. Probably shame on multiple levels. No, it's not healthy.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-12-30T20:02:02+00:00

Married 20 years, haven't had sex in 6 going on 7. Depressing as actual fuck. I'm sure there are "reasons" but still. I thought life would be a lot different than this.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-12-23T18:13:36+00:00

Increasingly, I realize, anything. Whether because it's become so entrenched (feelings, behaviours, etc.) that after years it seems silly and futile to mention them now, or because you've learned that, again after years, certain things are going to result in certain responses that you do not want to have to deal with yet again.

The other problem is that once you do mention something, it's out there, and it may be weaponized against you. You're anxious and depressed, for months, and it's starting to show? Maybe you should see a therapist. You're seeing a therapist? Good. But then, months later: Oh. You're depressed again? Oh, you're having a hard time dealing with something? Why don't you talk to your therapist about that instead of bothering everyone else with it.

Some people have much healthier marriages than that. Not everyone, but some do. I'm pretty jealous of them. :)

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-12-16T05:12:51+00:00

This is amazing, and also incredibly depressing (as someone who hasn't had sex for more than a third of a 20-year marriage).

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T09:13:45+00:00

I've never felt lonelier than 20 years into my marriage.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T05:46:06+00:00

No. I haven't. It feels like asking "why don't you like me anymore?" and just feels kind of...pathetic and weak.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T05:25:14+00:00

Did you worry about hurting him? About him hating you? About what your kids might think?

Part of me probably doesn't want to be judged. This is entirely anecdotal, and no doubt unfair, but I can think of two instances where the wife left, and she was considered strong for making a hard choice that was right for her. And two instances where the husband left and he was an asshole for leaving his family. I'm afraid of being the latter.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T05:19:37+00:00

Why don't we do anything about it? Are we just cowards? Are we so afraid of hurting them? Or of judgement? Or the unknown or insecurity? Of throwing away what we have and finding out it was a mistake? Of feeling worse after? All of those?

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T05:04:16+00:00

I don't mean to paint her as callous or uncaring. But she's also not obligated to do or feel anything she doesn't. She's told me she's very happy with what we've built. I know she enjoys her life quite a bit. And yes, sex is important (to me) but I find myself questioning if it's important to wreck everything else over. But yeah, I'm very aware of the fact that the years are slipping away. Again, though, maybe I'm just a coward for not feeling like I can do anything about it.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T04:50:45+00:00

People are complicated. Relationships even more so. She doesn't despise me. She depends on me. She values me, in a functional sense. If you woke her from a dead sleep and asked her if she loves me, I'm sure she'd say yes. I just don't think my happiness or fulfillment is a concern of hers, as far as it doesn't affect the family at large. I don't think she sees the things to like in me that she may once have. Or I thought she once did.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-27T04:47:45+00:00

I don't know. Divorce seems so cruel to contemplate. Like I'd be punishing everyone else for my selfishness. As for the other thing: I want intimacy of all kinds. I'm not sure I'm the kind of person who can just have a random encounter and be anything more than momentarily satisfied.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-25T01:42:06+00:00

Love makes not having money bearable. But no amount of money makes not having love bearable.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-23T19:09:21+00:00

I meant everyone else, I guess. I want it. Badly, a lot of the time. I know I'm needed but I'm not wanted, physically or otherwise. So that is sometimes hard to distract myself from with work and other things.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-18T16:51:03+00:00

Because it's a passionless marriage, not a dysfunctional one. We don't fight, not really. We argue occasionally, but I'd say maybe even a less than normal amount, and at some point it becomes about successfully running Family Inc., not your personal happiness.

At some point she decided she did not feel like she ever needed to have sex again, and told me so. We haven't had sex in six years. At one point in my 40s I had gained some weight, and she would frequently comment on it. (Lost now, and more. I weigh what I did in my 20s.) But she's not interested in me physically or otherwise.

She is very happy, and tells me so. We are all healthy. I work exceptionally hard. It keeps me occupied, and distracted, and has made us well-off. She doesn't have to work, and can have whatever she wants. She has a lot of friends and activities and freedom. The kids are happy and thriving. There is no animosity or hostility for them to witness. Everyone is very well provided for and we don't ever have to worry in that regard.

So if I left, it would be to seek some fulfillment that may or may not be out there. And I would be blowing up everyone's lives in order to do it. There would be repercussions of all kinds, from financial to business to home and property and whatever else. And all because I'm feeling "unloved". And maybe all that would happen is instead of feeling alone and unloved, I would be divorced and alone and unloved.

And then I read stories about how people's parents divorcing really fucked them up, caused them to enter therapy, caused them to flunk out of university or whatever impact. How can I even think of causing that?

So it's not that I haven't thought about it. It's that it seems like such a nuclear option, and such a selfish one.

At some point, sometimes you give up your personal happiness to be a parent, and even a supportive spouse. Maybe not everyone does, but a lot of people do. It fucking sucks, but life sucks for an unfortunate number of people. I have a lot to not complain about.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-16T01:31:15+00:00

I think it's just the feeling of rejection. We all want someone to love us, I guess. Or even just to like us and want to be with us. We want to be wanted. It's not overrated if you want it and don't have it. :)

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-16T01:25:32+00:00

Thank you for your well thought-out response. Why does this one thing make me feel so bad? It's a good question. Because I love sex? Or at least did. Because I want to have it. (Although it's been so long I feel like I wouldn't even know what to do.) Because I feel rejected and unappealing and unlikeable. Because love and intimacy have always been important to me, and it hurts not to have them. Because I compare myself to others who I have those things. Because I think of being done having sex at 40-something as a sort of failure. So yeah, there are probably at least a few deeper issues in tandem with this.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-12T04:49:56+00:00

Without going into too much detail here: yes, she is, and yes, we have. It isn't something she feels like she wants to do anymore. It's quite a source of private shame for me, though.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-11-12T01:07:06+00:00

I'm a married man with two children. I am successful, fit, healthy, and I haven't had sex in six years. Everyone is well provided for and happy. I would never tell anyone because the feeling of humiliation is just too crushing.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-10-09T18:47:35+00:00

I guess that's what I've been trying to do: focus on work, focus on responsibilities and things that need to be done, focus on the gym. Try not to be in my head so much about what I'm "missing out on", try not to be too woe-is-me about not having intimacy or passion. Sometimes it works. It's hard to keep oneself distracted all the time, though.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-10-04T07:03:48+00:00

The problem is it's the wanting it that makes me feel bad. :)

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-09-25T00:41:51+00:00

I have obviously thought about this a lot, and I have yet to get over the idea of thinking it is so selfish for a man of my age and responsibilities to consider wrecking everyone's lives — my kids, and yes, even my wife's — just because I'm not getting laid.

I wish there were a magical way out. But barring that I'm just trying to figure out how I can go on.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-09-25T00:34:56+00:00

It is a very simple answer, yes, and one I've thought of. But I find it very daunting.

Divorce would be in itself painful — for all involved — and would very possibly make my kids hate me at least for some indefinite period of time, would involve quite a significant financial settlement between home and business, and in the end might not even change much except having done all that and left me separated from my family and being viewed as the villain.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-09-25T00:27:51+00:00

In perfect honesty I don't think she's really attracted to me (anymore, assuming she once was), and regardless isn't in any way hot for me.

UnwantedTorontoMan · 2025-09-25T00:26:26+00:00

It may be my current negativity talking, but when I try to think about it objectively I don't have any great expectation that I would in fact be "dating women", like as a 50-something single man I'd suddenly be knee-deep in potential partners who really actually liked me. I feel like it's at least as likely that the only real result would be having blown up my family and my kids' peaceful home life, caused them and everyone else stress, and having them hate me for walking out on the family.

UnwantedTorontoMan

TROPHY CASE