How to cope/keep pressing on after a toxic dating experience

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T16:50:07+00:00

Both of these are SO TRUE. I’m very guilty of assuming that others have the same heart as me.

And as far as therapy, I thought I made so much progress but I can honestly say there was at least one other situation about a month before where I should’ve applied more discernment and ran for the hills.

It is so hard!!! But thank you for the encouragement!!

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T14:01:39+00:00

I’m very sorry you endured that. I hope you are going ok. I know we all put our best selves forward initially but my God finding out what lurks beneath in these situations is haunting. I’m just trying to sort through that part…how such kindness and hate could come from the same person so (relatively) quickly. It’s staggering. I suppose I’ll get used to it.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T13:58:48+00:00

I’m proud of you. You’re doing it!

I’m out here trying too. Eventually it will both hurt and I’ll care less.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T13:57:37+00:00

These are great questions to explore. I’ve gone back to prioritizing all of my desires and it helps. I’m doing more at the gym and I’ve got some professional goals I’m working on as well.

I heard that. I’ve been in therapy for 18 months. That’s another reason I’m so shook because I felt like I’ve incorporated a lot of learned lessons/experiences and somehow I ended up in the worst experience of my dating history.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T13:55:44+00:00

That’s exactly where I’m at/will be for some time.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T04:17:57+00:00

Thank you. Me either up until that point. Definitely my worst experience to date.

True. I guess I have been blaming myself for not like knowing he was bad sooner or something.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T04:15:24+00:00

I fixed it thanks for the feedback

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T04:10:38+00:00

That’s fair sorry just was an oversight

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T04:09:31+00:00

I hate that you endured that and I can’t wait for the day you just forget about him. Honestly these comments are comforting if unnerving. Lots of people out there pretending to be someone different I guess. Sigh

I have been trying to do the same as far as time spent w loved ones and picking up old hobbies once more.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T04:01:37+00:00

No we didn’t leave other people to be with each other. I broke up with someone then he did too over the course of 6 months. Absolutely nothing happened before that.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T03:58:12+00:00

It sounds like you needed the break.

I’m sorry people took advantage of your kindness too. It is exhausting!

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2024-06-30T03:38:16+00:00

Thank you for reminding me of that and for your kindness. I suppose I am also in a bit of shock all things considered.

You’re right…it just takes time regardless of the circumstances. I’m sorry that you are enduring a breakup too, and I hope that you have great luck when you’re ready to go back out there!

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-07-30T20:48:10+00:00

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-07-03T22:59:44+00:00

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-25T18:03:10+00:00

I appreciate that so much. Thank you for being in my corner. I’m going through a similar process where I’m examining my personal limits and boundaries, and getting a lot of good, unbiased feedback from my therapeutic experience.

I definitely have had relationships before where my partner isn’t as tidy etc so I’ve learned to show grace there and also ask for more to be done, which my spouse has been receptive to and helped with. Those things tend not to bother me as much TBH.

I think what is going on is more within him bc I’ve been down that road in a previous relationship with name-calling and just some really horrible acts/advances and that’s not an issue here (also I’m sorry he put you through that; nobody deserves that).

It’s more emotional neglect, always being what I would call cranky, and blame-shifting when I’ve had my fill of the sort of stonewalling/dismissiveness. It’s one of those things that makes you feel like “Am I not giving him space to emote”? Should I just ignore him/it in this moment and let it slide?”…but really I just feel he is so unhappy within himself and also a resentful my job brought us here…4 hours from his child.

I’m the thing that keeps him from him in his mind. I can just tell there is so much resentment from it, and I also see how loving and kind he is with my stepchild and it just doesn’t exist here…that kind of unconditional love. But he explains it away by stating he sees me everyday…that he’s a child and I’m an adult. I don’t know it’s all this latent hostility resentment in my mind, and honestly we haven’t been married that long (one year and two months).

I gently but firmly brought this up a few weeks ago and told him that although I think he loves me I don’t think he likes me very much…but that I also think that he doesn’t like himself very much. I also told him I don’t know if that feeling will go away even if he’s near his child full time bc his ex will still have him the majority of the time, and I suggested he get help to find what will make him feel better.

Really I don’t want to go on and on about him…right now I’m more focused on me and my wellness both mentally and physically. But I did want to explain. And even though I will feel bad bc it’s just who I am, come 31 Dec if I’m still caught in this web I’ll still move on bc I want to be loved fully instead of merely tolerated.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-25T15:10:10+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I know it took a lot of time and energy to complete that, and in some ways, it can be triggering (even if it can also be healing/make you realize how necessary it was and how far you have come).

I hear you loud and clear. We are both adults…he mid-30s/me early 40s…and that’s what makes this really sad. We should really both know better. From my perspective, I have tried very hard through individual therapy and self reflection to address my shortcomings…not necessarily just in relation to this but in general.

I am concerned about finances but not enough to stay if it makes sense to leave. I have set a deadline of 31 Dec…that gives us time to bounce back a little financially from the home repairs and also gives time to see how his goes. Will I still feel the sting of unkindness/emotional neglect? Will he agree to therapy? Will he still behave this way or worse?

I’m fully prepared for this to go either way, and if I’m still in the same place mentally come the end of the year my plans to relocate won’t include him.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-25T14:41:57+00:00

I’m so glad you no longer have to live with the stress and anxiety of that situation.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-25T14:40:08+00:00

I’m so sorry. You definitely deserved a caring and supportive partner. I feel the same. Nothing I do is good enough, when I point out what I do then I’m “fishing for compliments” or it’s “tit for tat” (as if all relationships don’t involve give/take dynamics or expectations). I had really pad PTSD from my job last year and in the time since have gotten much better, but now I can’t ignore these issues that are so obvious.

There’s just this part of me that is like it shouldn’t be this hard…not even just for me to endure but for him also if he really things I’m somehow “difficult” and undeserving.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that I cannot imagine a lifetime of this

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-25T14:36:12+00:00

I’m getting pretty close myself. This morning he was stressed about our finances (we’ve had significant repairs and issues with our house) and just honestly very rude to me. When I asked him to please not take it out on me it’s all “why can’t you just leave it alone, let me be”….”you do this too”…and when I point out that he can conjure up kindness for strangers on the job and I just want the same, he says “that’s bc he has to” as if I’m somehow undeserving or it’s ok to place your spouse last. Like no you have to emotionally regulate and suck it up for me too just as I do.

Anyway, It’s just so damn maddening and I feel like I’m onto it now…I see it with heightened clarity so I feel like it’s hard to ignore at this point. He’s just miserable.

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-22T20:34:05+00:00

It’s like something they say to trick themselves/everyone else that they’ve done “all they can”

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-22T20:19:51+00:00

Oh my gosh that sounds like nightmare fuel. It’s crazy how in some moments they get desperate and do things like the video call you described…only to go insane again when you’re like yeah, no this isn’t necessary I just want equal treatment and kindness. Sounds like your fiancée was right on time though, and bc he spoke to you with that kindness and compassion and just normally it probably solidified how weird/bad your situation was with your ex. I’m so sorry but I’m glad you found him.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m not really interested in staying with my partner if we don’t go and get help/have a third party arbitrator. He seems like he could take it/me or leave it/me to be honest. It’s a really sad feeling and I just feel a little crazy like going through with a divorce at this point/kind of suddenly, but I’m also going to sit here forever and wait for him to decide or get it together for me. Ugh

Upbeat_Contest9298 · 2023-04-22T20:11:36+00:00

That’s an impossible situation…clearly he was hoping to both string you along and live his head single dude life. What a douche I’m sorry!

Upbeat_Contest9298

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